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AMERICAN 
WIT  AN  D 
HUMOR  • 


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©AmGrican 
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A    COLLECTION  FROM  VARIOUS   SOURCbS 

CLASSIFIED  UNDER 

APPROPRIATE    SUBJECT  HEADINGS 

VOL.  I 

"PHILADELPHIA 

GEORGE  W.  JACOBS   &   CO. 

PUBUSHERS 

Copyright,  1900,  by 
George  W.  Jacobs  &  Co 


/3?'?f  S7 


r  IV 


V. 
Contents 

Chap.  Page. 

I.  To    BE  Read  While  Waiting 

FOR  THE  Train     ...         -9 
II.  To    BE  Read  While  Waiting 
FOR  Your  Husband  to  Come 
Home  from  the  Club  ...     34 

III.  About  Children 48 

IV.  Miscellaneous 68 

V.  Conundrums 128 

VI.  Josh  Billings 136 

VII.  Lawyers 144 

VIII.  Ministers 153 

IX.  Doctors 165 

X.  Editors 172 

XI.  Soldiers 184 

XII.  Women 188 

XIII.  Negro 206 

XIV.  Miscellaneous 218 


"  Care  in  our  coffins  drives  the  nails  no  doubt, 
But  Mirth  wilh  merry  fingers  plucks  them  out' 


Preface  for  Volume  I 

American  periodicals  abound  in  witty  say- 
ings. Not  only  the  comic  papers  but  almost 
every  newspaper,  whether  secular  or  religious, 
has  its  funny  column.  Every  community  has 
one  or  more  men  who  are  noted  for  witty  say- 
ings and  quaint  observations.  Almost  without 
exception  Americans  are  quick  to  recognize  and 
appreciate  wit.  Jokes  do  not  require  a  label  in 
America.  This  may  be  owing  to  the  cosmo- 
politan origin  of  our  people.  Coming  from 
many  other  countries  and  welded  in  a  com- 
mon citizenship  the  "bump  of  humor"  has 
become  abnormal.  Here  an  Irishman  loses  his 
brogue,  but  not  his  wit.  The  more  phlegmatic 
German  learns  to  perpetrate  puns  over  his  pipe 
and  mug,  and  the  Englishman  does  not  require 
a  night's  reflection  to  discover  the  point  of  a 
repartee.  Many  of  these  bright  sayings  deserve 
a  longer  life  than  is  afforded  by  the  ephemeral 
newspaper.  To  that  end  some  of  them  are  pre- 
sented in  this  volume. 

It  is  impossible  to  give  proper  credit,  in  many 
cases,  and  hence  it  can  be  only  said  in  a  general 
7 


8  preface 

way  that  they  have  appeared  in  Pitck,  Judge, 
Life,  Harper's  Weekly  and  Bazar,  D anbury 
News,  Cleveland  Plain  Dealer,  Texas  Sifi- 
ings,  Burlington  Hawkeye,  Yonkers  Statesman, 
Washington  Post,  Burlington  Free  Press  and 
many  more  papers  equally  deserving  of  mention. 
These  publications  have  very  kindly  given  per- 
mission to  use  matter  taken  from  their  cokimns. 
That  they  may  relieve  the  burden  of  care, 
lessen  the  tedium  of  a  long  journey  or  provok- 
ing delay  and  make  the  world  brighter  and 
happier  is  the  wish  of  the  compiler. 


CHAPTER  I 

To  be  Read  While  Waiting  for  the  Train 

A  wag  of  a  gouinKuul  who  had  made  himself 
ill  by  feasting  on  fish,  said  he  embodied  the 
trio  of  the  fiery  furnace,  thus — shad-rack,  me- 
sick  and  abed-we-go. 

Cruelty  to  animals — throwing  physic  to  the 
dogs. 

The  Free  Press  says  the  following  notice  is 
posted  on  the  door  leading  to  the  barroom  of 
the  Van  Ness  House,  Burlington:  "Notice! 
If  you  don't  see  what  you  ask  for,  want  it." 

The  stammering  silk  thief  who  was  caught  in 
New  York  owned  up  to  the  officers  that  he  was 
a  gone  co-coon. 

It  is  believed  now  that  congress  will  not  ad- 
journ before  the  middle  of  July.  By  remaining 
in  session  two  weeks  longer  it  would  become  an 
August  body,  which  is  otherwise  utterly  out  of 
the  question. 

9 


10  Bmerlcan  "CQit  auD  Ibumot 

Motto  for  grocers — Honest  tea  is  the  best 
policy. 

When  you  see  a  pretty  girl  putting  on  a  post- 
age stamp,  then  don't  you  wish  you  were  George 
Waslnngton  ? 

Beefsteak  is  meat  and  proper  for  breakfast. 

(  I'hey  have  a  brand  of  whiskey  in  Kentucky 
^known  as  the  "  Horn  of  Plenty,"  because  it  will 
corn  your  copiously.  /' 


Mice  harm  the  cheese,   but  girls  chariTf  the 


he'i 


A  Pennsylvania  paper  says  :  "  Boston,  pop- 
ulous Boston,  may  properly  be  described  as  the 
town  in  which  hundreds  of  thousand  daily  live, 
move  and  have  their  beans." 

The  greatest  nutmeg  ever  known  met  with  a/ 
greater. 

/     A  man   who  detected  a  piece  of  bark  in  the 

/  sausage  visited  a  butcher's  shop  to  know  what 

/    had  come  of  the  rest  of  the  dog.     The  butcher 

was  so  affected  that  he  could  give  him  only  a 

V  part  of  the  tale. 


amedcan  TIDKt  an5  t>umor  ii 

While  witnessing  a  game  of  baseball  out  West, 
a  boy  was  struck  on  the  head,  the  bawl  coming 
out  of  his  mouth. 

An  unpopular  ism  with  everybody — the  rheu- 
matism. 

Our  hen-pecked  neighbor  remarks  that  not- 
withstanding the  mildness  of  the  afternoons  it's 
always  scold  where  his  wife  is  when  he  comes 
home  late  at  night. 

Dollars  and  sense  do  not  necessarily  travel 
together. 

It  is  said  that  a  human  being  has  seven  mil- 
lions of  pores  through  which  perspiration  and 
exhausted  particles  of  the  system  escape.  We 
are  all  pore  creatures. 

^    Should  auld  acquaintance  be  forgot?     Not  if 
they  have  money. 

A  little  girl  the  other  day  referred  to  the 
mustache  of  a  young  man  as  a  "bang"  on  his 
lip.  If  she  doesn't  look  out,  one  of  these  days 
she'll  get  a  bang  right  under  the  nose. 

They  were  walking  by  the  seaside,  and  he 
sighed  and  she  sighed. 


18  amcrtcan  TKIlft  anD  tumor 

Barbers  are  well  informed  on  combing  events. 

Never  miss  a  kiss,  even  if  you  have  to  kiss  a 
Miss. 

A  child  for  adoption,  to  be  born  in  Novem- 
ber, is  advertised  in  a  New  York  newspaper. 
Sex  not  stated. — Such  enterprise  can  go  no 
father. 

A  motto  for  young  lovers — So-fa  and  no 
father. 

"I  think  I  have  seen  you  before,  sir.  Are 
you  not  Owen  Smith  ?  "  "  Oh,  yes,  I'm  owin' 
Smith,  and  owin'  Jones,  and  owin'  Brown,  and 
owin'  everybody." 

A  depraved  punster  says  he  shall  smoke  if  he 
chews  too. 

A  religious  contemporary  has  discovered  the 
style  of  the  first  parents.  He  said  :  "  Madam, 
I'm  Adam,"  to  which  she  replied  :  "Adam, 
I'm  madam." 

It  is  said  that  all  South  Carolina  people  who 
have  pains,  go  to  Aiken. 


amerfcan  Mit  anC>  Ibumor  13 

Boreas  is  the  sleet  swinger  of  the  arctics. 

An  exchange  speaks  of  an  armless  penman 
"Who  has  written  a  long  slory  with  his  toes." 
That  is  really  nothing.  "  Uncle  Tom's  Cabin  " 
was  written  by  Harriet  Beecher's  toe. 

Breach  of  good  manners — for  ruin  to  stare  you 
in  the  face. 

It  is  rather  unpleasant  to  hear  a  speaker  re- 
mark, "My  friends-ur,  I  wish  to  say  a  few 
words-ur  on  this  occasion-ur,"  etc.  ;  but  then 
we  must  remember  that  to  ur  is  human. 

The  patch  on  a  boy's  trousers  is  something 
new  under  the  son. 

A  lively  girl  had  a  bashful  lover  named 
Locke.  Getting  out  of  patience  with  him,  in 
her  anger,  she  said  that  Shakespeare  had  not 
written  half  as  many  things  as  he  ought  about 
Shy  Locke. 

"Yet,"  as  Boosy  says,  "Professor  Hall 
wouldn't  have  found  that  new  moon  if  Mars 
hadn't  satelite  out  for  him." 


t 


14  Bmcrlcan  TSflit  anJ)  Ibumot 

The  weary  husband,  as  he  proceeds  to  take 
down  tlie  clothesline,  unconsciously  trips  over 
a  croquet  arch,  and  from  the  iiottom  of  his  feet 
wishes  he  was   where  the  wickets   cease   from 

troubling. 

The  object  of  some  wives  in  blowing  up  their 
husbands  is  to  have  them  come  down. 

•'  Will  you  tell  me,"  asked  an  old  gentleman 

of  a  lady,    "what   Mrs.  's   maiden    name 

was?"      "Why   her   maiden   aim   was   to   get  1 
married,  of  course,"  exclaimed  the  lady. 

Time  will  only  hang  up  his  scythe  when  he  is 
no  mower. 

At  a  party  where  questions  were  asked,  and 
facetious  if  not  felicitous  answers  were  expected, 
a  coal  dealer  asked  what  legal  authority  was 
the  favorite  with  his  trade.  One  answered, 
"Coke."  "Right,"  said  the  coal  dealer. 
Another  suggested  Blackstone.  "Good,  too," 
said  the  questioner.  Then  a  little  hard-faced 
man  in  the  corner  piped  out  "Littleton," 
whereupon  the  coal  dealer  sat  down  without 
saying  anything. 


Bmetican  TlClit  an&  t)iimor  15 

A  man  who  is  always  in  a  stew  generally  goes 
to  pot. 

A  man  with  a  small  salary  and  a  large  family 
says:  "If  pride  goes  before  a  fall,  he  would 
like  to  see  pride  start  on  a  little  ahead  of  the 
l)rice  of  coal  and  provisions." 

It  is  a  queer  woman  who  asks  no  questions^ 
but  the  woman  who  does  is  the  querist. 

"  Our  terms  are  five  dollars  a  day,  with  moder- 
ate charges  for  extras,"  said  the  insinuating  young 
man  who  wore  a  diamond  pin  at  a  watering- 
place  hotel,  to  a  sensible-looking  stranger ;  "  we 
should  be  pleased  to  enrol  you  as  a  guest." 
The  stranger  said  he  guest  not. 

Strange  to  say,  a  negro  minstrel  most  over- 
flows with  humor  when  he  is  corked  up. 

The  only  pun  Abe  Lincoln  ever  made  was 
when  he  was  splitting  rails  and  his  boss  criticised 
his  work  severely.  "How  do  you  feel  now?" 
asked  a  fellow-workman.  He  thought  a  minute 
and  replied,  "I  feel  I  maul  right."  It  is  be- 
lieved that  this  was  what  started  his  presidential 
boom. 


16  Bmetican  Timtt  anO  fjumor 

Some  sons  are  chips  of  the  old  blockhead. 

A  young  lady  in  Chicago,  tired  of  going  it 
alone,  has  married  John  Rightbower.  It  is  al- 
together probable  she  uiil  order  him  up  on  win- 
ter mornings. 

It  has  been  ascertained  that  the  man  who  held 
on  to  the  last  was  a  shoemaker. 

There  are  some  cute  observers  in  New  Or- 
leans. The  Picayune  man  has  discovered  that 
the  reason  why  some  of  the  street  lamps  burn 
all  night  is  because  the  light  is  so  small  it  is 
afraid  to  go  out  alone. 

Are  the  Michiganders  any  relation  to  the  Por- 
tuguese, and  if  so,  how  much,  and  what? 

Here  is  a  bit  of  fashionable  intelligence  from 
the  Kansas  City  Times:  "The  daughter  of 
Mr.  Proddy,  of  12th  street,  has  returned  to  her 
fiither's  house  from  a  visit  east,  and  oh  !  how 
many  fond  and  foolish  boys  rejoice  over  that 
Proddy  gal's  return." 

An  Oil  City  man  traded  off  his  gun  for  a  dog, 
because  he  wanted  to  "  get  something  to  boot." 


Bmcrican  TKIlit  an5  f)umor  17 

/  Old  maid's  laughter — He  !  he  !  he  !    ' 

He  said  her  hair  was  dyed,  and  when  she  in-     *' 
/  dignantly  exclaimed,  "  'Tis  false  !  "  he  said  he 
presumed  so. 

V        The  man  who  sat  down  on  the  spur  of  the   // 
f  ^  moment,  will  not  do  so  again.  \ 

It  is  foolish  for  a  man  to  try  to  make  game  of 
a  boarding-house  chicken  by  looking  at  it,  under    \ 
the  impression  that  a  steady  gaze  of  the  human 
eye  will  make  any  animal  quail. 

How  to  get  a  long  well — Dig  it  deep. 

Fifteen  pounds  of  dried  apples  were  taken  as 
tpay  for  publishing  a  marriage  notice  by  an  Iowa 
paper,   recently ;    which  leads  to  the  inference 
that  the  wedding  was  a  swell  affair. 

Butter  is  strong  ;  but  cheese  is  mitey. 

It  has  been  carefully  estimated  that  Chicago 
might,  by  converting  her  /  into  an  e,  save  at 
least  five  thousand  dollars  per  annum  in  the  ink 
wasted  in  dotting  the  vowel  of  the  first  syllable. 
Cheekago  wouldn't  be  bad  either. 


18  Bmcrican  "BClit  anD  "fcumor 

Troubles  are  like  dogs  ;  the  smaller  they  are 
the  more  ihey  annoy  you. 

It  is  an  anomaly,  perhaps,  but  when  peace 
and  quiet  are  restored  in  Cuba  the  planters  will 
begin  to  raise  cane. 

"  Not  lost,"  said  the  man  who  bet  on  the  wrong 
horse,  "but  gone  behind." 

A  writer,  describing  the  exodus  of  Eden, 
says,  "  The  devil  drove  woman  out  of  Paradise, 
but  he  could  not  drive  Paradise  out  of  woman." 

The  sting  of  a  bee  carries  conviction  with  it. 
It  makes  a  man  a  bee-leaver  at  once. 

A  young  lady  while  out  walking  heard,  for 
the  first  time,  of  her  mother's  intention  to  marry 
again,  and  she  was  obliged  to  sit  right  down  and 
cry  about  it.     She  could  not  go  a  step-farther. 

Ephraim  Muggins  says,  "  Eternal  liberty  is  the 
price  of  vigilance,  and  dear  at  that." 

A  lecturer  against  women's  rights  named 
Tait,  was  hissed  by  the  women  of  Mattoon,  III., 
recently.  They  should  remember  that  the 
women  who  hiss  a  Tait  are  lost. 


K 


\' 


Bmcttcan  'Mit  aiiD  t)umor  lo 

Whatever  promises  to  pay  is  a  favorable  owe 
men. 

"  Call  me  pet  names — something  typical  of 
sweet  sounds,"  he  murmured  ;  she  said  he  was  a 
gay  lute. 

The  tune  the  old  cow  died  on  must  have  been 
written  in  beef-flat. 

A  bald  headed  man  with  a  black  eye  called 
here  yesterday,  took  off  his  hat  and  pointing  to 
his  eye  and  bald  head  said,  ♦•  Betsy  and  I — hair 
out." 

A  Western  paper  gives  the  following  as  the 
proper  motto  for  life  insurance  companies : 
"  Soc  et tu  emy 

A  correspondent  wants  to  know  the  best  way 
to  become  a  literary  man.  Well,  the  quickest 
way  for  him  is  to  make  a  short  voyage  to  sea. 
He  will  very  likely  become  a  contributor  to  the 
Atlantic. 

Mr.  Somerset  is  a  bachelor.  He  could  not 
persuade  any  of  his  female  acquaintances  to 
turn  a  Somerset. 


20  Bmcrican  TRIlit  auD  Ibumor 

,         A  Boston  man  calls  his  wife  Crystal,  becauseL 
k     she  is  always  on  the  watch. 

An  eminent  historian  traces  baseball  to  the 
time  when  Rebecca  went  down  to  the  well  with 
a  pitcher  and  caught  Isaac. 

A  blind  man  is  an  impatient  stock  speculator. 
He  always  wants  two  real  eyes. 

Cooing  is  well  enough  before  marriage,  but 
the  billing  doesn't  come  till  afterward ;  and  then 
it  comes  from  the  tradesmen. 

A  man  in  Delaware  who  has  a  half-sister  is 
now  wondering  where  the  other  half  can  be. 

A  gentleman  who  had  been  arguing  with  an 
ignoramus  until  his  patience  was  exhausted,  said 
he  didn't  wish  him  dead,  but  he  would  be  glad 
to  see  him — know  more. 

A  song  heard  by  a  hive — "Bee  it  ever  so 
humble,  there's  no  place  like  comb." 

Accuracy  of  expression  :  A  family  who  have 
recently  moved  into  a  suite  of  rooms  received  an 
elegantly  worked  motto  last  week,  which  read  as 
follows  :      ' '  Heaven  bless  our  flat. ' ' 


Bmcrican  'CUlt  anO  "fcumor  21 


Better  to  have  loved  a  short  girl  than  never  to 
have  loved  a  tall. 


Out  in  Montana,  where  they  start  a  man 
down  hill  in  a  barrel,  they  speak  of  his  appear- 
ance in  a  new  role. 

Tuneful  lyre — A  music-teacher  who  does  not 
keep  his  engagements. 

Bob  IngersoU  practices  on  the  violin  during 
his  leisure  moments.  Perhaps  that's  why  he  is 
an  in-fiddle. 

If  a  man  has  but  one  eye,  let  him  get  a  wife, 
and  she  will  be  his  other  /. 

A  hen-pecked  husband,  who  had  married  his 
wife  because  she  was  handsome  declared  that  a 
thing  of  beauty  is  a  jaw  forever. 

A  volume  that  will  bring  tears  to  your  eyes — 
a  volume  of  smoke.  / 

St.  Albans  boasts  a  man  who  revels  in  the 
patronymic  of  Stonegraves.  That  name  is  tomb 
much  for  us.  Well,  it  is  cemeterial  whether 
you  like  it  or  not. 


22  amerlcan  TIQlit  anO  t>umot 

The  latest  bankers'  song — Off  in  the  stilly 
night. 

We  hold  that  a  Woodchuck  is  fit  for  treason, 
strategy  and  spoil ;  because  he  has  no  music  in 
his  hole. 

When  a  man  has  a  house  lot  on  which  he 
cannot  pay  the  taxes,  he  has  a  site  too  much. 

A  toast  at  a  public  dinner  in  Connecticut : 
"The  Nutmeg  State,  where  shall  we  find  a 
greater?  " 

To  become  the  lion  of  a  party,  it  is  not  nec- 
essary to  make  a  beast  of  one's  self. 

Mr.  George  Barrel  committed  suicide  because 
disappointed  in  a  love  affair.  He  could  not 
bear  the  thought  of  remaining  a  single  Barrel. 

To  keep  warm  on  a  cold  day  the  women 
double  the  Cape  and  the  men  double  the  Horn. 

A  few  days  ago  a  Norwich  man  bought  a 
chest  of  tea  in  Providence,  and  on  opening 
found  a  stone  inside  weighing  nearly  eleven 
pounds.  He  remarked  that  the  weighs  of 
Providence  are  very  mysterious. 


Hmcrlcan  Mit  anJ)  Kiimor  23 

It  is  sad  to  see  people  squandering  money 
and  know  you  cannot  help  them. 

Masons  and  Odd  Fellows,  like  masons  and 
hod  fellows  ascending  a  ladder,  get  up  by  de- 
grees. 

It  is  as  impossible  to  get  money  out  of  a  miser 
as  to  cut  mutton-chops  out  of  a  battering  ram. 

A  patent  churn,  invented  by  a  Sioux  squaw, 
is  on  exhibition  in  Washington.  It  shows  con- 
siderable Injunuity. 

It  is  pleasant  to  find  a  four-leaved  clover,  but 
beware  of  the  poisonous  IV  plant. 

The  crow  is  not  so  bad  a  bird  after  all.  It 
never  shows  the  white  feather  and  never  com- 
plains without  caws. 

A  baby  lately  had  the  misfortune  to  swallow 
the  contents  of  an  ink-botde.  Its  mother,  with 
wonderful  presence  of  mind,  immediately  ad- 
ministered a  box  of  steel  pens  and  two  sheets  of 
foolscap  paper,  and  the  child  has  felt  write  in- 
side ever  since. 


84  Bmcdcan  "CClit  anO  Ibumot 


You  can  look  for  warm  weather  when  the  fly 


/    begins  to  put  on  his  specs. 

A  Philadelphia  gentleman  advertises  a  soap 
that  is  destined  to  wipe  out  the  national  debt. 
There  is  probably  some  "lye"  about  it. 

Sweetening  one's  coffee  is  generally  the  first^ 
stirring  event  of  the  day. 

A  contemporary  informs  us  that  Texans  raise 
hemp.  We  can  inform  our  contemporary  that 
hemp  frequently  raises  Texans. 

"Give  the  hens  a  rest,"  says  an  exchange. 
Just  so  ;   a  sort  of  inter-eggnum  as  it  were. 

A  young  man  who  proposed  to  a  handsome 
but  heartless  creature  the  other  evening,  sug- 
gested a  very  popular  poem,  the  Beautiful's  No. 

Now  is  the  time  for  spring  cleaning.  If  you 
have  not  got  a  spring,  clean  out  your  well. 


Knott  and  Shott  fought  a  duel.  The  result 
was  that  they  changed  conditions,  Knott  was 
shot  and  Shott  was  not.  It  was  better  to  be, 
Shott  than  Knott. 


/ 


Hmcrican  TRfllt  ano  t)umot  25 

New  Bedford  is  said  to  have  but  one  whaler 
left — a  schoolmaster. 

A  young  man  who  has  tried  it  suggests  that  j 
before  you  pop  the  question  it's  just  as  well  to  / 
(juestion  the  pop. 

All  men  are  not  homeless,  but  some  men  are     / ^ 
home  less  than  others. 

A  wag  suggests  that  a  suitable  opening  for 
many  choirs  should  be,  Lord,  have  mercy  on  us, 
miserable  singers. 

Fritz  says  he  can't  eat  oleomargarine  because 
it  disagrease  with  him. 

A  hard-hearted  parent  in  Syracuse  proposes  to 
change  his  daughter's  name  to  Misery,  because 
she  likes  company  so  well. 


Some  one  who  has  suffered  from  indigestion 
says  mince  pie  is  meat  for  repentance. 

When  she  told  him  he  was  a  flat,  Jones  said  it 
was  all  her  fault,  because  she  wouldn't  have 
him  a  round.  Jones  thinks  he  got  square  on  her 
then. 


26  Bmertcan  mit  anD  Ibumor 

I  hope  I  see  you  well,  as  the  bucket  said  when 
it  touched  the  water. 

A  schoolmaster  being  asked  what  was  meant 
by  the  word  fortification,  answered,  "twotwenty- 
ifications  make  a  fortification." 

An  itch  for  office  does  not  always  lead  to  a 
niche  in  the  temple  of  fame. 

Talking  about  modern  miracles,  the  Stamford 
Advocate  says  he  cured  his  boy  of  some  bad 
habits  by  the  laying  on  of  hands. 

It's  a  bad  thing  to  have  a  sore  mouth,  but  it's 
a  sore  thing  to  have  a  bad  mouth. 

A  Newburg  goat  the  other  day  devoured  an 
entire  novel  at  one  sitting.  That's  what  you 
might  call  a  regular  swallow-tail  goat. 

Why  they  call  a  sensational  report  a  canard 
is  because  one  can-ardly  believe  it. 

Brown's  ladyship  said  she  did  not  know  how 
to  make  both  ends  meet.  "Well,"  asked 
Brown,  "why  don't  you  make  one  end 
vegetables?  " 


A 


american  Timit  an&  Ibumoc  27 

A  conscience  void  of  offence  is  a  good  thing  ; 
but  a  farm  void  of  a  fence  is  quite  another 
matter. 


It  is  easy  to  breakfast  in  bed  if  you  will  be 
satisfied  with  a  few  rolls  and  a  turnover. 

Where  there's  a  will  there's  apt  to  be  a  con- 
test. One  touch  of  humor  makes  the  whole 
world  chin. 


General  Sevenyearich   would  be  the  man  to  \ 
bring  the  Russians  up  to  the  scratch. 


A  great  genius  says  :  "A  printer  who  set  in 
type  $10,000  to  read  ^1,000,  might  have  pre- 
vented his  mistake  by  a  little  fourth-aught." 

Advice  to  parents — When  your  boy  cries  for 
a  stick  of  candy,  just  take  a  stick  to  him.  ^ 

A  minister  nigh  to  Boston  had  a  son  born  to 
him  and  a  generous  donation  from  his  church, 
the  other  Saturday,  and  in  the  next  day's  prayer 
he  alluded  with  gratitude  to  the  arrival  of  a 
little  succor. 


28  Bmedcan  TKIlit  anJ)  •fcumor 

The  Chicago  papers  call  the  tornado  "she" 
— probably  because  it  made  a  bustle  in  the  out- 
skirts. 

Leading  out  of  the  village  of  Hope,  N.  J.,  is 
a  covered  bridge  upon  which  some  wag  has 
written:  "Who  enters  here  leaves  Hope 
behind." 

The  most  popular  book  at  watering  places 
this  summer  will  be  the — pocketbook.  )/ 

A  certain  Mr.  David  Fender,  popping  the 
question  in  a  letter,  concluded  thus  :  "  And 
should  you  say  yes,  dear  Mary,  I  will  truly  be 
your  D.  Fender." 

When  married  men  complain  of  being  in  hot 
water  at  home,  it  turns  out  half  the  time  that  it's 
scold. 

A  person  leaving  a  crowded  stage  at  New 
York  the  other  day,  steadied  himself  by  rest- 
ing his  hands  on  the  knees  of  the  passengers. 
"What  a  savage!"  exclaimed  one  lady. 
"Yes,"  replied  her  companion,  "he  is  a 
Pawnee." 


i 


Hmertcan  TKIltt  anO  Ibumor  29 

A  German  grocer  in  New  York  called  his 
horse  Napoleon  because  he  had  so  many  bony 
parts. 

A  fellow  who  has  actually  tried  it,  says  that 
although  there  are  three  scruples  in  a  dram,  the 
more  drams  you  take  the  less  scruples  you  will 

luive. 

A  Georgia  paper  promises  to  publish  a  thrill- 
ing cereal.  Its  readers  will  probably  make  an 
oat  of  it. 

Old  Hornblower  was  talking  very  big  about 
being  entirely  a  self-educated  man.  Sneerwell, 
who  heard  him,  said,  "  Ah,  I  understand  !  You 
were  at  the  school  where  every  man  was  his  own 
toot-er." 

"  Boy,  how  did  you  manage  to  get  such  a  big 
string  of  fish?"     "I  hooked  them,  sir,"  said 
^the  boy. 

A  young  man  from  Connecticut,  who  went 
West  a  year  or  so  ago,  has  just  been  hanged  in 
Nevada  as  a  horse  thief.  How  true  is  the  old 
adage  that  you  have  to  go  away  from  home  to 
get  the  noose. 


30  American  Timtt  ant)  Ibumor 

Charity  Ann  Burden,  of  Indianapolis,  has 
gone  into  the  Divorce  Court  to  get  rid  of  her 
Burden. 

A  Boston  paper  tells  of  a  young  man  in  Ja- 
maica Plain  who  woke  up  the  other  night  and 
saw  a  ghost  in  his  room.  Seizing  his  six 
shooter,  he  approached  it,  and  found  it  was  his 
collar  which  was  standing  on  the  floor.  He 
calls  it  a  case  of  collar  in  phantom. 

If  your  foot  is  asleep,  wake  it  up  quickly,  for 
the  poet  tells  us  that  the  sole  is  dead  that  slum- 
bers. V 

In  Siam  they  have  a  curious  way  of  deciding 
lawsuits  by  putting  both  parties  under  water  and 
awarding  the  victory  to  the  one  who  stays  the 
longer,  entirely  dispensing  with  lawyers.  Hence 
the  legal  term:  "Just  as  Siam,  without  one 
plea!  " 

Timid  people  prefer  a  shoal  place  for  salt- 
water bathing.  They  like  to  go  down  to  the 
brine  knee  deep. 

Pleasant- faced  people  are  generally  the  most 
J  welcome,  but  the  auctioneer  is  always  pleased  to 
see  a  man  whose  countenance  is  for  bidding.  W 


i 


Bmecican  Mtt  anD  Ibumot  3i 

Mutual  admiration — as  the  season  of  picnics 
approaches,  boys  begin  to  feel  gallant,  and  girls 

buoyant. 

The  Philadelphia  Bulletin  says  :  "  That  bury- 
ing a  man  alive  is  a  giave  error."  By  the  sauie 
token,  cremating  a  man  alive  is  a  burning  shame. 

Drinkers  in  this  country  can  hardly  be 
heathen,  but  still  the  great  idea  with  them  is 
jug-or-not. 

The  latest  fraud  hails  from  Fargo,  Dakota, 
where  a  man  goes  round  and  vaccinates  with 
mucilage.     It  is  a  regular  gum  game. 

Mark  Twain  says  the  Sandwich  Islanders  are 
generally  as  unlettered  as  the  other  side  of  a 
tombstone. 

All  the  signers  of  the  Declaration  of  Inde- 
pendence signed  their  names  with  quill  pens 
except  one — he  signed  his  Witherspoon. 

A  man  who  works  for  a  living  ought  to  marry 
a  woman  taller  than  himself.  The  laborer  is 
worthy  of  his  higher. 


^ 


32  amcrlcan  mit  anD  Ibumot 

Somebody  advertises  for  a  machine  girl.  The 
question  is,  in  what  particular  a  machine  girl  is 
better  than  a  handmaid. 

,      The  grasshopper  is  something  of  a  singer,  but 
y  the  potato  bug  is  the  most  indefatigable  musi- 
cian.    He  plays  on  the  tuber. 

y-    The  crocus  put  its  head  out  from  under  the 

^■'' snow  and   said  to  its  companion,    "you    lilac 

everything  if  you  say  this  is  spring."  J 

Two  soles  that  beat  as  one,  remarked  tlie  boy 
to  his  mother,  as  she  was  dealing  with  him  for 
his  sins,  using  both  slippers  at  once.  . 


^, 


Said  he:  "Matilda,  you  are  my  dearest 
duck."  Said  she  :  "  Augustus,  you  are  trying 
to  stuff  me."     She  was  too  sage  for  him.       y^ 

Enthusiastic  youth  on  horse  car,  "That  star 
over  there  is  Mars. ' '  Unsympathetic  Driver,  * '  Is 
it?     Then  the  other  one,  I  suppose,  is  pa's."  V 

The  Englishman  who  said  that  liquor  had 
been  the  horrid-gin  of  all  his  troubles  has  been 
spirited  away,  as  he  richly  deserves  to  have 
been. 


c 


Hmedcan  "CClit  anO  Ibumor  j^ 

"  Fred,"  said  a  young  man,  walking  up  State^ 
street,  in  Chicago,  the  other  day,  after  listening 
to  his  wonderful  story,  "do  you  know  why  you 
are  like  a  harp  struck  by  lightning?  " 
"  No,"  says  Fred  ;   "1  give  it  up." 
"Because   a   harp   struck  by  lightning   is  a 
blasted  lyre." 


CHAPTER  II 

To  he  Read  While  Waiting  for  your  Husbajid 
to  come  Hotne  frotn  the  Club. 

Mrs.  Partington  says  that  her  minister 
preached  about  the  parody  of  the  probable  son. 

Mrs.  Partington  says  few  persons  suffer  from 
suggestion  of  the  brain  nowadays. 

Mrs.  Malaprop  says  that  she  hates  intolerance 
of  all  kinds,  but  the  kind  she  hates  most  is 
bigamy  in  religion. 

One  day  when  Mrs.  Partington  heard  the 
minister  say  there  would  be  a  nave  in  the  new 
church,  she  observed  that  she  knew  who  that 
jjarty  was. 

It  was  bad  enough  for  the  Boston  Advertiser 
to  say  of  Wilkie  Collins  as  a  lecturer  :  "  The 
London  intonation  is  noticeable  in  a  flattering  of 
the  vowels.  But  it  was  worse  when  a  Western 
compositor  made  it  read  "  a  flattening  of  the 
bowels." 

34 


Smerfcan  TKUft  anCt  "toumor  35 

A  printer  recently  made  "Be  ye  therefore 
steadfast,"  the  text  of  a  minister's  sermon,  "  Be 
ye  there  for  breakfast." 

Old  mother  Partington  was  both  apt  and 
truthlul  when  she  declared  that  "  There  is  no 
blessing  like  health,  particularly  when  you  are 
sick." 

At  a  recent  free  religion  convention  held  in 
New  Haven,  it  was  asserted  that  man  had  made 
God  in  his  own  image. 

Boy  presents  a  dollar  bill  in  a  Hartford  bake- 
shop.  Little  girl,  who  is  acting  chief  clerk  : 
"  My  father  is  very  perpendicular  about  taking 
torn  bills." 

It  doesn't  matter  how  watchful  and  vigilant 
a  girl  is;  if  a  fellow  kisses  her,  it  is  ten  to  one 
he  will  do  it  right  under  her  nose. 

A  country  paper  says,  that  in  reply  to  a  ques- 
tion from  the  lecture  committee  of  the  chief 
town  of  the  district  as  to  the  subject  of  a  lecture 
to  be  given  at  the  institution,  the  lecturer  tele- 
graphed, ' '  A  Taste  of  Naples  and  Rome. ' '  The 
telegraph  made  it  read,  "A  Taste  of  Apples  and 
Rum." 


36  Bmericau  mtt  anO  Ibumor 

Mrs.  Partington  declares  that  she  does  not 
wish  to  vote,  as  she  fears  she  couldn't  stand  the 
shock  of  the  electrical  franchise. 

A  watering  place  correspondent  writes  that 
very  few  bathers  bathe  at  the  West  End  ;  where- 
upon Mrs.  Partington  says  she  had  an  idea  they 
bathed  all  over. 

An  Iowa  editor  recently  announced  that  a 
certain  patron  of  his  was  thieving  as  usual.  He 
declared  he  wrote  it  thriving. 

A  Michigan  paper  recently  closed  an  obituary 
notice  with  the  misquotation,  "He  is  not  dead, 
but  squeaketh."  The  printer  apparendy  wasn't 
minding  his  p's  and  q's. 

A  Jerseyman,  who  lately  fell  heir  to  a  con- 
siderable inheritance,  immediately  sent  for  a  tailor 
to  come  and  measure  him  for  a  coat-of-arms. 

A  rustic  youth  being  asked  to  take  tea  with  a 
friend,  was  admonished  to  praise  the  eatables. 
Presently  the  butter  was  passed  to  him,  when  he 
remarked  :  "  Very  nice  butter — what  there  is  of 
it,"  and  observing  a  smile,  he  added;  "and 
plenty  of  it  such  as  it  is." 


Hmerlcan  Mtt  and  mumot  37 

Mr.  Timpkins  has  just  returned  from  Europe, 
bringing  with  him  a  portrait  of  himself,  done, 
as  he  explains,  "  by  one  of  the  old  masters  !  " 

An  old  lady  Avas  admiring  the  beautiful  pic- 
ture Saved.  "  It's  no  wonder,"  she  said,  "  that 
the  poor  child  fainted  after  pulling  that  great 
dog  out  of  the  water." 

Mrs.  Partington,  reading  of  the  strike  of  the 
wire-drawers,  remarked,  "  Ah,  me  !  what  new- 
fangled things  won't  they  wear  next." 

"Is  that  your  offspring,  madam?"  asked  a 
Missouri  judge  of  a  woman  who  had  hold  of  a 
stub-nosed  boy's  hand.  "  No,  sir,"  she  replied, 
"this  is  my  oldest  boy." 

A  rural  poet  indited  a  sonnet  to  his  sweet- 
heart, entitled  "I  kissed  her  stid  rosa."  The 
compositor  knew  better  than  that,  and  set  it  up 
in  printer's  Latin,  "I  kissed  her  snub  nosa." 

The  Philadelphia  Ledger  recently  announced 
the  marriage  of  a  couple  as  occurring  suddenly, 
February  15.  It  meant  Sunday,  February  15, 
but  no  explanation  will  pacify  the  bridegroom 
who  is  on  the  war  path. 


38  Bmcdcan  Witt  anO  fbumor 

According  to  an  Auburn  paper,  they  are  go- 
ing to  put  up  in  that  city  an  addition  to  their 
seminary  to  accommodate  eighty-six  students 
200  feel  long. 

An  old  lady,  hearing  some  one  reading  about 
Congressmen -at-large,  rushed  to  the  kitchen 
door,  shouting  :  '-Sarah  Jane,  Sarah  Jane,  don't 
you  leave  the  clothes  out  all  night,  I  tell  you, 
for  there's  a  Congressman  at  large  !  " 

An  Irish  editor  says,  "that  a  child  was  run 
over  in  the  street  by  a  wagon  three  years  old 
and  crosseyed,  with  pantlets  on  which  never 
spoke  afterward." 

"  There  was  an  old  family  fuel  between  them," 
was  what  a  female  witness  in  a  Chicago  murder 
case  said  to  the  jury.  A  juryman  asked  her  if 
she  didn't  mean  feud  ?  and  she  asked  him  who 
was  telling  the  story. 

''Let  the  pudding  alone,  there!  That's  the 
dessert !  "  exclaimed  a  waiter  to  a  countryman, 
who  was  devouring  the  tapioca  at  an  early  stage 
of  the  dinner.  "/  don't  care  if  it  is  a  desert," 
testily  said  the  countryman;  "I'd  eat  it  if  it 
was  a  wilderness." 


Bmerican  "Mtt  anO  t>umor  .i9 

The  Chicago  Tribune  prints  a  poem  in  which 
the  writer  wishes  that  she  had  "  a  heart  full  of 
sweet  yearlings."  The  authoress  says  the 
printer  who  set  it  up  is  a  calf. 

What  agonies  must  that  editor  have  endured 
«-ho,  writing  of  his  love,  asserted  in  his  manu- 
gcript  that  he  kissed  her  under  the  silent  stars, 
fi.nd  found  the  compositor  had  made  him  de- 
rlare  that  he  kicked  her  under  the  cellar  stairs, 

''How  wonderfully  all  your  little  treasures  re- 
semble their  father,  Mrs.  Golloper  !  This  dar- 
ling now  especially  reminds  me  of  Mr.  G.  !  " 
Mrs.  G.  ;  "Oh  no,  Mr.  Blimkins,  that  is  Mrs. 
Littlejohn's  child,  who  lives  next  door."  Blim- 
kins subsides. 

The  intelligent  compositor  has  broken  out  in 
Natick,  where,  aided  by  the  vigilant  proof- 
reader, he  enters  into  a  conspiracy  against  a 
dead  clergyman,  and  remarked:  "Fraud  after 
fraud  departs." 

At  a  recent  meeting  of  a  society  composed  of 
men  from  the  Emerald  Isle,  a  member  made  the 
following  motion  :  "  Mr.  President,  I  move  yee's 
tliat  we  whitewash  the  ceiling  green  in  honor  of 
the  old  flag." 


40  American  imit  anD  tbumor 

At  a  town  meeting  a  large  taxpayer  rose  up 
to  protest  against  building  a  new  schoolhouse 
in  a  certain  part  of  the  town.  "  What's  the 
good  of  it  ?  They  are  an  ignorant  set  down 
there  anyway." 

While  the  boundary  line  of  Virginia  and 
North  Carolina  was  in  dispute  the  residence  of 
a  lady  was  uncertain  as  to  the  State.  When  the 
line  was  finally  established  she  was  in  Virginia. 
I  am  very  glad  of  it,  she  observed,  for  North 
Carolina  is  always  such  a  sickly  State. 

Proud  mamma: — "Don't  you  think  dear 
baby's  the  image  of  his  papa?  "  Dull  but  well- 
meaning  family  friend  : — "  Well  perhaps  he  is; 
but  I  dare  say  he'll  outgrow  it  in  time." 

"  La,  me  !  "  sighed  Mrs.  Partington,  "here 
I  have  been  suffering  the  bigamies  of  death  for 
three  moral  weeks.  First  I  was  seized  with  a 
bleeding  phrenology  in  the  left  hampshire  of  the 
brain,  which  was  exceeded  by  a  stoppage  of  the 
ventilator  of  the  heart.  This  gave  me  an  in- 
flammation in  the  borax,  and  now  Pm  sick  with 
the  chloroform  morbus.  There  is  no  blessin' 
like  that  of  health,  particularly  when  you  are 
ill." 


amecican  limtt  anO  Ibumor  41 

An  Irish  advertisement:  "  If  the  gentleman 
who  keeps  a  shoe  store  with  the  red  head,  will 
return  the  umbrella  of  a  young  lady  with  the 
ivory  handle,  he  will  hear  something  to  her  ad- 
vantage." 

A  Troy  paper  published  two  articles  on 
Wednesday,  one  of  which  was  an  obituary  notice 
and  the  other  a  funny  anecdote.  The  headings 
accidentally  got  changed,  and  when  the  paper  ap- 
peared the  editor  was  horrified  to  see  the  obituary 
notice  headed,  "A  Good  Joke,"  while  the  funny 
anecdote  was  prefixed  with  the  caption,  "  A  Sad 
Announcement." 

Mrs.  Partington,  in  illustration  of  the  prov- 
erb, "a  soft  answer  turneth  away  wrath,"  says 
"that  it  is  better  to  speak  paregorically  of  a  per- 
son than  to  be  all  the  time  flinging  epitaphs  at 
him." 

*'  Speaking  of  bathing,"  said  Mrs.  Partington, 
from  behind  the  steam  that  arose  from  her  tea  as 
a  veil  to  her  blushes  when  touching  upon  so 
delicate  a  subject,  "  some  bathe  with  perfect  im- 
purity in  water  as  cold  as  Greenland's  icy 
mountains  and  India's  coral  strand,  but  for  my 
part  I  prefer  to  have  the  water  a  little  torpid." 


42  Bmerican  Wit  anD  Ibumor 

A  young  lady  who  went  to  the  city  to  see 
what  was  advertised  as  a  Spectacular  Drama, 
came  home  greatly  disappointed.  She  says  not 
one  of  the  actors  wore  spectacles. 

After-dinner  orator  : — "  It's  in  the  wonderful 
insight  inter  'uman  nature  that  Dickens  gets  the 
pull  over  Thackeray  ;  but  on  t'other  hand,  it's  in 
the  brilliant  shafts  of  satire,  t'gether  with  a  keen 
sense  o'  humor,  that  Thackens  gets  the  pull 
on  Dickery.  It's  just  this :  Thickery  is  the 
humorist,  and  Dackens  is  the  satirest.  But, 
after  all,  it's  'bsurd  to  instoot  any  comparison 
between  Dackery  and  Tiiickens." 

A  lady  entered  a  drug  store  and  asked  for  a 
bottle  of  Jane's  Experience.  The  clerk  in- 
formed her  that  Jane  hadn't  bottled  her  ex- 
perience yet,  but  they  could  furnish  Jayne's 
Expectorant. 

The  fashion  reporter  who  wrote  with  reference 
to  a  belle  "  Her  feet  were  encased  in  shoes  that 
might  be  taken  for  fairy  boots,"  tied  his  wardrobe 
up  in  a  handkerchief  and  left  for  parts  unknown 
when  it  appeared  the  next  morning:  "Her 
feet  were  encased  in  shoes  that  might  be  taken 
for  ferryboats." 


american  TlClit  anD  Ibumot  43 

"Where  a  woman,"  says  Mrs.  Partington, 
"has  been  married  with  a  congealing  heart,  and 
one  that  beats  desponding  to  her  own,  she  will 
never  want  to  enter  the  maritime  state  again." 

It  was  after  a  concert,  and  a  prominent  Ger- 
man cantatrice  asked  a  gentleman  to  whom  she 
had  been  introduced  how  he  liked  her  duet. 
"You  sang  charmingly,  madam.  But  why  did 
you  select  such  a  horrid  piece  of  music?" 
"Sir,  that  was  written  by  my  late  husband  !  " 

"  Ah,  yes,  of  course  !    I  did  not  mean But 

why  did  you  select  such  a  cow  to  sing  with?  " 
"  Ach  Himmel,  that  is  my  present  husband  !  " 

While  Mrs.  Bascom  was  in  town  she  saw  a 
young  lady  and  gentleman  playing  lawn  tennis. 
"  Wal,  I  declar'  !  "  she  said,  turning  to  Ebenezer, 
"  they  keep  'em  .separated  with  a  net  nowa- 
days, don't  they  ?  " 

There  is  a  wealthy  brewer  in  Montreal  who 
built  a  church,  and  inscribed  on  it:  "This 
church  was  erected  by  Thomas  Molson,  at  his 
sole  expense.  Hebrews,  XX.  chapter."  Some 
of  the  McGill  College  wags  got  a  ladder  one 
night,  and  altered,  "  by  Thomas  Molson  at  his 
soul's  expense.     He  brews  (double)  XX." 


44  American  "Cmit  anD  Humor 

A  fashionable  but  illiterate  New  York  lady, 
traveling  on  the  Continent  writes  to  a  friend 
that  she  has  just  seen  the  museum  of  iniquities 
in  Genoa,  and  she  does  think  it  is  perfectly 
splendid. 

"  My  real  number  is  six,  but  my  hand  will  bear 
squeezing,"  is  what  she  said  to  the  young  man  at 
the  glove-counter.  And  the  great  thick-headed 
lunatic  got  her  a  pair  of  live  and  a  half  gloves 
without  finding  out  how  much  squeezing  her 
hand  would  bear. 

A  young  gentleman  remarked  to  his  female 
companion,  the  other  evening,  "Ah!  the  most 
beautiful  evening  in  my  recollection.  Luna 
looks  peculiarly  beautiful."  "Was  that  her 
just  went  by?  "  quickly  asked  the  young  lady. 

An  absent-minded  professor  in  going  out  of 
the  gateway  of  his  college  ran  against  a  cow. 
In  the  confusion  of  the  moment  he  raised  his  hat 
and  exclaimed  :  "I  beg  your  pardon,  madam  !  " 
Soon  after  he  stumbled  against  a  lady  in  the 
street.  In  sudden  recollection  of  the  former 
mishap,  he  called  out,  with  a  look  of  rage  in  his 
countenance,  "Is  that  you  again,  you  brute?" 


american  XKait  anO  fjumoc  45 

"  If  it  was  not  for  the  years  couched  upon  his 
head,"  wrote  the  obituary  writer;  and  then  he 
got  right  up  and  howled  when  the  typesetter 
rendered  it,  "If  it  were  not  for  his  ears  he 
could  have  stood  upon  his  head." 

A  little  fellow  who  attends  a  Hartford  primary 
school  one  day  failed  to  come  home  at  the  usual 
hour,  much  to  the  alarm  of  the  household,  and 
after  a  long  search  he  was  found,  some  time 
after  dark.  This  is  his  explanation  of  the  cir- 
cumstance:  "I'll  tell  you,  mamma,  how  it  hap- 
pened.    After    school   I   went    part   way    home 

with  Mary ,  and  at  the  corner  of  a  street, 

where  she  left  me,  I  kissed  her,  and  she  kissed 
me,  and  then  I  found  I  was  lost."  It  is  sus- 
pected that  this  is  not  the  first  young  gentleman 
who  has  been  lost  under  similar  circumstances. 


"Have  you  any  children?"  demanded  a 
house-renter ;  "  yes,"  replied  the  other  solemnly, 
"six — all  in  the  cemetery."  "Better  there 
than  here,"  said  the  landlord,  consolingly;  and 
proceeded  to  execute  the  desired  lease.  In  due 
time  the  children  returned  from  the  cemetery, 
whither  they  had  been  sent  to  play,  but  it  was 
too  late  to  annul  the  contract. 


46  Bmerican  Mit  aiiD  Ibumot 

"He  blew  out  his  brains  after  bidding  his  wife 
good-bye  with  a  gun."  "Erected  to  the 
memory  of  John  Phillips,  accidentally  shot  as  a 
mark  of  affection  by  his  brother."  "A  piano 
for  sale  by  a  lady  about  to  cross  the  Channel  in 
all  oak  case  with  carved  legs." 

A  young  man  in  Olathe,  Kansas,  who  is  par- 
ticular about  his  washing,  the  other  day  wrote  a 
note  to  his  washerwoman  and  one  to  his  girl, 
and,  by  a  strange  fatality,  put  the  wrong 
address  on  each  envelope  and  sent  them  off. 
The  washerwoman  was  well  pleased  at  an 
invitation  to  take  a  ride  the  next  day,  but  when 
the  young  lady  read,  "  If  you  muss  my  shirt 
bosom,  and  rub  the  buttons  off  my  collar  any- 
more, as  you  did  the  last  time,  I  will  go  some- 
where else,"  she  cried  all  the  evening,  and  de- 
clares that  she  will  never  speak  to  him  again. 


She  had  sued  for  breach  of  promise,  and  the 
verdict  of  the  jury  was  against  her.  "  Want  to 
pole  the  jury?"  she  repeated.  "Yes,  I  do. 
Jes'  gimme  the  pole  for  two  minutes,"  and  she 
had  thrown  off  her  bonnet  and  expectorated  on 
the  palms  of  her  hands  before  the  legal  phrase 
could  be  explained  by  her  counsel. 


Bmedcan  imit  an^  fjumor  47 

Senator  Scott,  talking  to  a  Pennsylvania 
Sunday-school,  recently,  asked  the  scholars  why 
Simon  was  kept  in  prison  ?  One  of  the  teachers 
quietly  prompted  a  boy  to  say  that  it  was  for  a 
hostage,  and  the  youth  not  quite  catching  the 
word,  piped  out,  "  He  was  detained  for  postage." 

Soon  after  Cliief  Justice  Chase  assumed  the 
gubernatorial  chair  in  Ohio,  he  issued  his  proc- 
lamation appointing  a  Thanksgiving  Day.  To 
make  sure  of  being  orthodox,  the  governor  com- 
posed his  proclamation  almost  entirely  of  pas- 
sages from  the  Bible,  which  he  did  not  designate 
as  quotations,  presuming  that  every  one  would 
recognize  them,  and  admire  the  fitness  of  the 
words  as  well  as  his  taste  of  selection.  The 
proclamation  meeting  the  eye  of  a  Democratic 
editor,  he  pounced  at  once  upon  it,  and  de- 
clared that  he  had  read  it  before — couldn't 
exactly  say  where — but  he  would  take  his  oath 
that  it  was  a  downright  plagiarism  from  begin- 
ning to  end.  That  would  have  been  a  pietty 
fair  joke ;  but  the  next  day  the  Republican 
editor  came  out  valiantly  in  defence  of  the  gov- 
ernor, pronounced  the  charge  libelous,  and 
challenged  any  man  living  to  produce  one  single 
line  of  the  proclamation  that  had  appeared  in 
print  before. 


CHAPTER  III 

About   Children 

"  Where  yet  was  ever  found  a  mother 
Who'd  give  her  booby  for  another." 

A  SCHOOLBOY  says  it  is  better  to  pursue 
pleasure  than  to  catch  it. 

"What  you  been  a  doin'  ?"  asked  a  boy  of 
his  playmate  whom  he  saw  coming  out  of  the 
house  with  tears  in  his  eyes.  "I've  been  a 
chasin'  a  birch  rod  round  my  father,"  was  the 
snarling  reply. 

Schoolmaster  :  ' '  What  is  nothing  ? ' '  Boy : 
"It  is  when  a  man  asks  you  to  hold  his  horse, 
and  just  says,  'Thank  you.'  " 

Sunday-school  teacher  to  pupil,  "  Now,  my 
little  man,  can  you  explain  the  cause  of  Adam's 
fall?"  Little  man  (emphatically),  "Yes,  sir; 
'cause  he  hadn't  any  ashes  to  throw  on  the  side- 
walk." 

48 


Bmerican  "CCllt  anO  Ibumor  49 

A  four- year-old  boy  recently  complained  that 
his  teeth  had  trod  on  his  tongue. 

"  Would  you  take  the  la^t  cent  a  person  has 
for  a  glass  of  soda  water?  "  asked  a  Kankakee 
youth.  "Yes,"  responded  the  unthinking  pro- 
prietor. Whereupon  the  hopeful  pulled  out  tlie 
cent  and  got  the  drink. 

A  boy  defines  salt  as  the  stuff  that  makes  the 
potatoes  taste  bad  when  you  don't  put  on  any. 

An  interesting  little  boy,  timid  when  left 
alone  in  a  dark  room,  was  overheard  recently  by 
his  mother  to  say  in  his  loneliness,  "  Oh,  Lord, 
don't  let  any  one  hurt  me,  and  I'll  go  to  church 
next  Sunday,  and  give  you  some  money." 

Our  schoolboy  remarks  that  when  his  teacher 
undertakes  to  show  him  what  is  what,  he  onlv 
finds  out  which  is  switch. 

The  deacon's  son  was  telling  the  minister 
about  the  bees  stinging  his  pa,  and  the  minister 
inquired:  "Stung  your  pa,  did  they ?  Well, 
what  did  your  pa  say?"  "Step  this  way  a 
moment,"  said  the  boy,  "I'd  rather  whisper  it 
to  you." 


50  Bmerican  "Wllit  and  Ibiimor 

An  experienced  boy  says  he  regards  hunger 
and  the  chastening  rod  as  about  tlie  same  thing. 
They  both  make  a  boy  hoUer. 

A  lady  asked  a  pupil  of  a  Sunday-school, 
"  what  was  the  sin  of  the  Pharisees?  "  "Eat- 
ing camels,  ma'am,"  was  the  quick  reply.  She 
had  read  that  the  Pharisees  "strained  at  gnats 
and  swallowed  camels." 

A  clergyman  was  recently  telling  a  marvelous 
story,  when  his  little  girl  said,  "  Now,  pa,  is 
that  really  true,  or  is  it  just  preaching?  " 

A  mother  who  had  with  her  a  little  daughter, 
was  examining  the  figure  of  a  horse  on  a  tomb- 
stone, and  wondering  of  what  it  was  an  emblem. 
There  was  nothing  to  explain  it  in  the  inscrip- 
tion. "Mamma,"  said  the  little  one,  as  they 
uioved  away,  "I  shouldn't  wonder  if  she  died 
of  tlie  nightmare." 

It  was  during  a  severe  thunder  shower  that  a 
maiden  of  four  summers  remarked:  "  Mother, 
it  yains  so  hard  Dod  can't  light  his  fire.  He's 
burned  up  most  a  whole  box  of  matches  al- 
ready." 


Bmecican  TUJltt  anO  "toumor  5i 

"Why  sliould  we  celebrate  Washington's 
birthday  more  than  mine?"  asked  a  teacher. 
"  Because  he  never  told  a  lie  !  "  shouted  a  little 
boy. 

A  remarkably  dirty  man  stepped  in  front  of  a 
small  boy  sitting  on  a  fence,  expecting  to  have 
some  fun  by  chaffing  him.  He  said:  "How 
much  do  you  weigh?"  The  answer  was: 
"  Well,  about  as  much  as  you  would  if  you 
were  washed." 

"  How  greedy  you  are,"  said  one  little  girl  to 
another,  who  had  taken  the  best  apple  in  the 
dish,  "  1  was  going  to  take  that." 

The  old  man  sighed  as  he  took  the  golden- 
hairetl,  laughing  boy  upon  his  knees  and  strok- 
ing his  shining  tresses,  said  :  "  Mow  I  should 
like  to  feel  like  a  child  again."  Little  Johnnie 
ceased  his  laughter,  and  looking  soberly  up  into 
his  grandfather's  face,  remarked:  "Then  why 
don't  you  get  mamma  to  spank  you?  " 

A  little  eight-year-old  rushed  into  a  teachers' 
examination  at  Oswego,  N.  Y.,  and  bawled  out, 
"Annie,  your  feller  is  down  to  the  house." 
Annie  didn't  pass. 


52  Bmettcan  WLit  anD  Dumot 

"There,  now,"  cried  little  Bessie  the  other 
day  rummaging  a  drawer  in  the  bureau, 
"  grandpa  has  gone  to  heaven  without  his 
spectacles." 

"Ma,"  said  an  intelligent  boy  of  nine,  "I 
don't  think  Solomon  was  so  rich  as  they  say  he 
was."  "Why,  my  dear,  what  could  have  put 
that  into  your  head?"  asked  the  astonished 
mother.  "  Because  the  Bible  says  he  slept  with 
his  fathers,  and  I  think  if  he  had  been  so  rich 
he  would  have  had  a  bed  of  his  own." 

"  Don't  a  Quaker  ever  take  off  his  hat  to  any 
one,  mamma?"  "No,  my  dear."  "If  he 
don't  take  off  his  hat  to  a  barber,  how  does  he 
have  his  hair  cut  ?  " 

"  Mamma,  where  do  the  cows  get  the  milk?" 
looking  up  from  the  foaming  pan  of  milk  which 
he  had  been  intently  regarding.  "Where  do 
you  get  your  tears?"  was  the  answer.  Then, 
after  a  thoughtful  silence  he  again  broke  out : 
"  Mamma,  do  the  cows  have  to  be  spanked  ?  " 

"  O,  George,  your  sister  is  a  nice  girl,  but 
she  does  dress  her  head  up  so."  "Yes,"  said 
George;  "but  it  is  the  fashion ;  there's  nothing 
in  it,  you  know.'' 


amcrican  "Wllit  anJ)  •fcumor  53 

A  little  boy  who  had  been  used  to  receiving 
his  older  brother's  old  toys  and  clothes  recently 
remarked :  "  Ma,  will  1  have  to  marry  his 
widow  when  he  dies?" 

"So  you  don't  care  about  donkey-riding, 
miss.  And  why?"  "O,  I've  got  a  pony  and 
one  doesn't  care  about  donkeys  after  that  you 
know."  "Has  a  pony  got  more  legs  than  a 
donkey,  then?"  Miss  (who  does  not  like  to 
be  chaffed),  "Yes;  exactly  twice  as  many  as 
some  donkeys  that  I  know  of." 

A  little  girl,  after  noticing  for  some  time  the 
glittering  gold  stopping  in  her  aunt's  front  teeth, 
exclaimed,  "Aunt  Mary,  I  wish  I  had  copper- 
toed  teeth  like  yours." 

"1  never  saw  such  a  restless  child!"  ex- 
claimed the  mother,  as  she  tried  to  fit  the  boy 
with  a  new  jacket.  The  little  fellow  grew  quiet 
and  thoughtful  for  a  moment,  and  then  suddenly 
exclaimed  :  "  I  know  why  I'm  so,  ma — the  day 
God  made  me  I  guess  the  dust  was  flying  awful." 

"  And  why  did  Aaron  make  a  golden  calf?  " 
Sharp  child  of  the  three-and-a-half:  "  Please, 
miss,  because  he  hadn't  got  enough  gold  to  make 
a  cow." 


54  Bmcrican  Mit  auD  Ibumor 

A  Danbury  boy  made  a  very  handsome  snow 
man  about  seven  feet  high,  the  other  day,  and 
robed  it  with  his  mother's  sixty  dollar  Paisley 
shawl.     He  is  saddest  when  he  sits. 

A  little  five-year-old  girl  was  taught  to  close 
her  evening  prayer,  during  the  temporary  ab- 
sence of  her  father,  with:  "And  please  watch 
over  my  papa."  It  sounded  very  sweet,  but 
the  mother's  amazement  may  be  imagined  when 
the  child  added:  "And  you'd  better  keep  an 
eye  on  mamma,  too." 

"I  declare,  mother,"  said  a  pretty  litde girl, 
in  a  pretty  little  way,  "  'tis  too  bad.  You 
always  send  me  to  bed  when  I  am  not  sleepy, 
and  you  always  make  me  get  up  when  I  am 
sleepy  !  " 

A  wee  bit  of  a  girl  in  Cusco,  Wis.,  while  at 
the  breakfast-table  a  few  mornings  since,  made 
ioud  and  repeated  calls  for  buttered  toast.  After 
disposing  of  a  liberal  quantity  of  that  nourishing 
article  she  was  told  that  too  much  toast  would 
make  her  sick.  Looking  wistfully  at  the  dish 
for  a  moment,  she  thought  she  saw  a  way  out 
of  her  difficulty,  and  exclaimed,  "  Well,  give 
annuzer  piece  and  send  for  the  doctor  !  " 


american  llClit  an&  fjumot  55 

A  little  fellow  who  had  just  commenced  read- 
ing the  newspapers,  asked  his  father  if  the  word 
Hon.  prefixed  to  the  name  of  a  member  of  Con- 
gress, meant  honest. 

A  gentleman  living  in  the  suburbs  was  taking 
aim  at  a  hawk  that  was  perched  on  a  tree  near 
his  chicken-coop,  when  his  little  son  exclaimed, 
"Don't  take  aim,  papa,  let  it  go  off  by  acci- 
dent! "  "  Why  so  ?"  asked  the  father.  "'Cause 
every  gun  that  goes  off  by  accident  always  hits 
somebody." 

A  new  style  of  boys'  trousers  has  been  in- 
vented in  Boston,  with  a  copper  seat,  sheet-iron 
knees,  riveted  down  in  the  seams,  and  water- 
proof pockets,  to  hold  broken  eggs. 

One  of  our  young  ladies  whose  company  is 
much  prized  by  an  enterprising  merchant,  took 
charge  of  a  class  of  little  girls  the  other  Sunday. 
After  the  lesson,  she  told  the  children  that  if 
tliey  wished  to  ask  her  any  questions  she  would 
answer  them.  "  Will  you  answer  true?  "  asked 
a  bright-eyed  cherub.  "Certainly,"  said  the 
teacher.  "Well,  then,"  said  the  little  one, 
hesitatingly,  "do — do  you  love  Mr.  B ?" 


56  Bmerican  TWlit  and  Ibumor 

"  Do  you  understand  me  now  ?  "  thundered 
a  country  schoolmaster  to  an  urchin  at  whose 
head  he  threw  an  inkstand.  "I've  got  an  ink- 
ling of  what  you  mean,"  replied  the  boy. 

A  little  five-year-old  boy  at  Hartford  was 
asked  by  a  lady  a  few  days  since  for  a  kiss. 
He  immediately  complied,  but  the  lady,  noticing 
that  the  little  fellow  drew  his  hand  across  his 
lips,  remarked,  "Ah,  but  you  are  rubbing  it 
off."  "No  I  ain't,"  was  the  quick  rejoinder. 
"I'm  rubbing  it  in  !  " 

The  old  gentleman  is  snoring  the  snore  of  the 
virtuous  in  his  easy  chair.  His  youthful  grand- 
son rushes  to  his  mother.  "Oh,  ma,  grandpa 
is  in  the  parlor — sleeping  right  out  loud." 

"  My  son,"  said  a  fond  father,  who  was  look- 
ing over  the  lesson  his  boy  had  recited  that  day, 
"  how  did  you  manage  when  your  teacher  asked 
you  to  spell  metempsychosis  ?  "  "  O,  father," 
said  the  boy,  "  I  just  stood  spellbound." 

"  What  part,"  asked  a  Sunday-school  teacher, 
"of  the  Burial  of  Sir  John  Moore  do  you  like 
best  ?  ' '  The  boy  was  thoughtful  for  a  moment 
and  then  replied:  "  Few  and  short  were  the 
prayers  we  said." 


Bmerican  THait  an&  Ibumoc  57 

"  The  bees  are  swarming,  and  there's  no  end 
to  thenn,"  said  farmer  Jones,  coming  into  the 
house.  His  little  boy  George  came  in  a  second 
afterward  and  said  "  there  was  an  end  to  one  of 
'em,  anyhow,  and  it  was  red  hot  too." 

"My  son,"  said  a  good  mother  to  her  young 
hopeful,  "did  you  wish  your  teacher  a  hapi>y 
New  Year?"  "No,  ma'am,"  responded  the 
boy.  "Well,  why  not?"  "Because,"  said 
the  youth,  "she  isn't  happy  unless  she's  whip- 
ping some  of  us  boys,  and  I  was  afraid  if  I 
wished  her  happiness  she'd  go  for  me." 

Two  little  girls  were  comparing  progress  in 
catechism  study.  "I've  got  to  original  sin," 
said  one.  "  How  far  have  you  got?  "  "  Me  ? 
Oh,  I'm  way  beyond  redemption,"  said  the 
other. 

Every  day  we  have  evidence  that  the  smai; 
boy  has  no  soul.  The  other  day  a  crowd  gath- 
ered around  a  farmer  whose  wagon  load  of 
butter  was  fast  in  a  mud  hole,  and  while  some 
suggested  that  he  pull  his  horse  gee,  and  others 
that  he  pull  him  haw,  the  ever-present  small 
boy  yelled,  "  It's  no  use,  mister.  Your  old 
horse  ain't  stout  enough.  Take  him  out  an' 
hitch  in  a  roll  of  yer  butter." 


58  Bmerlcan  XXMt  anO  Ibumor 

One  of  our  august  senators,  who  is  getting 
a  little  bald,  was  the  other  day  asked  by  his 
heir:  "Papa,  are  you  still  growing?"  "No, 
dear,  what  makes  you  think  so?"  "Because 
the  top  of  your  head  is  con^iing  through  your 
hair." 

At  a  mission  Sunday-school,  not  long  since,  a 
little  boy  was  crying  bitterly.  The  teacher  upon 
inquiry  learned  that  he  had  lost  his  mother,  and 
she  in  sympathy  remarked  to  the  scholars  that 
no  one  knew  what  a  loss  it  was  until  they  had 
lost  a  mother,  and  tha,t  Johnny  had  good  cause 
for  crying.  At  this  moment  a  little  urchin 
jumped  up  and  said:  "Oh,  teacher,  you  just 
wait  till  he  gets  a  stepmother,  then  you'll  hear 
him  cry  !  " 

He  sat  alone  in  her  father's  parlor  waiting  for 
the  fair  one's  appearance,  the  other  evening, 
when  her  little  brother  came  cautiously  into  the 
room,  and  gliding  up  to  the  young  man's  side, 
held  out  a  handful  of  something,  and  anxiously 
inquired:  "I  say,  mister,  what  'r  them?" 
^' Those,"  replied  the  young  man,  solemnly, 
"those  are  beans."  "There!"  shouted  the 
boy,  turning  to  his  sister  who  was  just  coming 
in  the  door,  "I  knew  you  lied;  you  said  he 
didn't  know  beans,  and  he  does,  too." 


Bmerican  "Wfltt  anD  Ibumor  59 

A  little  boy  recently  became  greatly  enamored 
of  a  little  toy  trumpet  which  had  been  given 
him.  One  night  as  he  was  being  put  in  his  little 
bed,  he  handed  the  trumpet  to  his  grandmother 
saying:    "Here,    gram'ma,    you   blow    while    I 

pniy."  

A  boy  was  sent  by  his  mother  to  saw  some 
stove  wood  out  of  railroad  ties.  Going  out- 
doors shortly  after,  she  found  the  youth  sitting 
on  the  saw-horse  with  head  down.  The  mother 
asked  her  hopeful  son  why  he  didn't  keep  at  his 
work?  The  boy  replied  :  "  My  dear  mother,  I 
find  it  hard,  very  hard,  to  sever  old  ties." 

Litde  boy,  "Please,  1  want  the  doctor  to 
come  and  see  mother."  Servant,  "Doctor's 
<iOut.  Where  do  you  come  from  ?  "  Little  boy, 
"  What !  Don't  you  know  me?  Why  we  deal 
with  you.  We  had  a  baby  from  here  last 
week  !  " 

A  schoolmistress,  while  taking  down  the 
names  and  ages  of  her  pupils,  and  the  names  of 
their  parents,  at  the  beginning  of  the  term, 
asked  one  little  fellow,  "  What  is  your  father's 
name?"  "Oh,  you  needn't  take  down  his 
name;  he's  too  old  to  go  to  school  to  a 
woman,"  was  the  reply. 


60  Hmcrican  Timit  anJ)  Humor 

Little  three-year-old  asked  his  mother  to  let 
him  have  his  building  blocks  to  play  with,  but 
she  told  her  darling  that  it  was  Sunday,  and 
therefore  not  proper.  "But,  mamma,"  said 
the  young  hopeful,  "  I'll  build  a  church."  He 
got  the  blocks. 

A  man  driving  a  wind-broken  horse  along 
Bridge  street  Saturday,  was  hailed  by  a  small 
boy  who  enquired  if  the  horse  was  for  sale. 
The  man  didn't  know  but  he  was.  "Wall," 
observed  the  little  rascal,  "they'd  like  to  git 
about  such  a  critter  up  to  the  church  to  blow 
the  organ  Sundays." 

A  schoolboy  had  just  got  his  face  fixed  to 
sing  "Let  us  love  one  another,"  when  a  snow 
ball  hit  him  in  the  mouth  and  so  confused  him 
that  he  yelled  :  "Bill  Sykes,  just  do  that  agin 
and  I'll  chaw  your  ear  off." 

A  very  young  miss  addressed  her  parental 
ancestor  at  the  breakfast  table  one  Sunday 
morning :  "  Pappy,  I  want  a  new  hat  and  a 
pair  of  new  shoes."  "  I  s'pose  so.  What  don't 
you  want?"  remarked  the  paternal.  "Well," 
answered  the  quick-witted  little  miss,  "  I  don't 
want  any  cigars." 


Bmcrican  "Cmit  anD  Ibumoc  61 

When  Arthur  was  a  very  small  boy  his  mother 
reprimanded  him  for  some  misdemeanor.  Not 
knowing  it  his  father  began  to  talk  to  him  on 
the  same  subject.  Looking  up  into  his  face, 
Arthur  said,  solemnly,  "  My  mother  has  tended 
to  me." 

A  Sunday-school  teacher  was  explaining  the 
omnipresence  of  the  Deity  to  his  scholars,  and 
ended  by  telling  them  that  he  was  everywhere. 
Whereupon  a  red-headed  boy  asked  :  "  Is  he  in 
my  pocket?"  The  teacher  replied  that  the 
question  was  rather  profane  but  he  would  an- 
swer. "  Yes,  he  is  everywhere."  "  I've  got  you 
there,"  said  the  boy,  "  I  ain't  got  no  pocket." 

A  certain  gentleman  recently  lost  his  wife, 
and  a  young  miss  of  six  years  who  came  to  the 
funeral  said  to  his  little  daughter  of  about  the 
same  age,  "  Your  pa  will  marry  again,  won't 
he?"  "Oh,  yes,"  was  the  reply:  "but  not 
till  after  the  funeral  !  " 

"  Boy,"  said  a  traveler  to  a  disobedient  youth 
whom  he  encountered,  "don't  you  hear  your 
father  speaking  to  you  ?  "  "Oh  y-a-a-s,"  replied 
the  youth,  "  but  I  don't  mind  what  he  says. 
Mother  don't  neither  ;  and  'twixt  us  both  we've 
about  got  the  dog  so  he  don't." 


62  Bmcrican  "Mil  anO  'toumor 

"Mother,  what  is  an  angel?"  "An  angel? 
Well,  an  angel  is  a  child  that  flies."  "But, 
mother,  why  does  papa  always  call  my  gov- 
erness an  angel?"  "Well,"  explained  the 
mother,  after  a  moment's  pause,  "she's  going 
to  fly  immediately." 

A  conductor  on  the  New  Haven  &  Hartford 
railroad  received  a  telegram  for  one  of  his  pas- 
sengers the  other  day,  and,  going  to  the  car 
door,  he  timidly  inquired,  "Is  there  a  Hone  in 
this  car?"  For  an  instant  there  was  no  re- 
sponse, when  a  youth  squealed  out,  "  Why  don't 
you  use  your  boot  leg?"  This  gave  the  con- 
ductor so  much  confidence  that  he  bribed  a 
brakeman  to  canvass  the  other  cars. 


A  few  years  ago  a  gentleman  who  had  lost 
his  nose  was  invited  out  to  tea.  "My  dear," 
said  the  old  lady  of  the  house  to  her  little 
daughter,  "I  want  you  to  be  very  particular 
and  make  no  remarks  about  Mr.  Jenkins'  nose." 
Gathered  around  the  table,  everything  was  go- 
ing well ;  the  child  peeped  about,  looking  rather 
puzzled,  and  at  last  startled  the  table:  "Ma, 
why  did  you  tell  me  to  say  nothing  about  Mr. 
Jenkins'  nose?     He  hasn't  got  any." 


Bmcdcan  XHfltt  an&  Ibumoi:  o^ 

A  small  boy  arose  at  a  Sunday-school  concert 
and  began  quite  glibly:    "  A  certain  man  went 

down  to  Jericho  and  fell — and  fell ."    Here 

his  memory  began  to  fail  him.  "And,  and — fell 
by  the  roadside,  and  the  thorns  sprang  up  and 
choked  him." 

Little  Freddie  was  talking  to  his  grandma, 
who  was  something  of  a  sceptic.  "Grandma, 
do  you  belong  to  the  Presbyterian  church?" 
"No."  "  To  the  Baptist  ?  "  "No."  "  To  any 
church?"  "  No."  "Well,  grandma,  don't  you 
think  it's  about  time  to  get  in  somewhere?  " 


A  clerical  gentleman  in  examining  the  Sun- 
day-school, asked  tlie  class  before  him  if  any 
could  tell  him  anything  about  the  apostle  Peter. 
A  little  girl  raised  her  hand  much  to  the  gratifi- 
cation of  her  examiner.  "Come  up  here,  my 
little  girl,"  said  he  ;  "  I  am  glad  you  remember 
your  Bible  lesson  so  well.  Now  tell  the  other 
boys  and  girls  what  you  know  about  Peter." 
The  little  girl  was  quite  willing,  and  commenced  : 
"Peter,  Peter,  punkin-eater,  had  a  wife  and 
couldn't  keep  her;  so  he  put  her  in  a — "  but 
before  she  could  get  to  punkin  shell  the  school 
was  in  a  roar. 


64  amedcan  mit  nnb  Humor 

The  title  of  the  lesson  was,  "  The  Rich  Young 
Man,"  and  the  golden  text  was,  "  One  thing 
thou  lackest."  A  teacher  in  the  primary  class 
asked  a  little  tot  to  repeat  the  two,  and  looking 
earnestly  into  the  young  lady's  face,  the  child 
said,  "  One  thing  thou  lackest — a  rich  young 
man." 

A  mamma  in  the  rural  districts  lately  gave 
her  five-year  hopeful  an  outfit  of  fishtackle. 
Soon  she  heard  a  shout  from  Willie,  and  run- 
ning out  found  one  of  her  best  hens  fast  wind- 
ing up  the  line  in  her  crop,  whither  the  hook 
had  already  preceded  it.  Willie  observing  the 
troubled  look  of  his  mother,  quietly  remarked : 
"Do  not  worry,  mother.  I  guess  she  will  stop 
when  she  gets  to  the  pole." 

A  promising  young  shaver  of  five  or  six  years 
was  reading  his  lesson  at  school  one  day  in  that 
deliberate  manner  for  which  urchins  of  that  age 
are  somewhat  remarkable.  As  he  proceeded 
with  the  task  he  came  upon  the  passage,  "  Keep 
thy  tongue  from  evil  and  thy  lips  from  guile. ' ' 
Master .  Hopeful  drawled  out,  "Keep — thy — 
tongue — from — evil  —  and — thy — lips — from — 
girls." 


Bmerlcan  TKIltt  anD  Ibumor  65 

Very  stern  parent  indeed,  "  Come  here,  sir ! 
What  is  this  complaint  the  schoolmaster  has 
made  against  you?"  Much  injured  youth, 
"It's  just  nothing  at  all.  You  see,  Jimmy 
Hughes  bent  a  pin,  and  I  only  just  left  it  on  the 
teacher's  chair  for  him  to  look  at,  and  he  came 
in  without  his  specs  and  sat  right  down  on  the 
pin  and  now  he  blames  me  for  it !  " 

At  a  school-board  examination  the  inspector 
asked  a  boy  if  he  could  forgive  those  who  had 
wronged  him.  "Could  you,"  said  the  in- 
spector, "  forgive  a  boy,  for  example,  who  had 
insulted  or  struck  you?"  "  Y-e-s,  sir,"  re- 
plied the  lad,  very  slowly,  "I — think — I — ■ 
could;  but,"  he  added,  in  a  much  more 
rapid  manner,  "  I  could  if  he  was  bigger  than  I 
^m." 

Pending  the  occurrence  of  a  threatened  earth- 
quake, a  South  American  pater-familias  sent  his 
boys  to  stay  with  a  friend  beyond  the  limits  of 
the  fatal  section. — The  convulsions  did  not  turn 
up  when  due,  but  the  youngsters  remained  in 
their  place  of  safety  till  the  following  note  pro- 
cured  their   recall :     "  Dear  P.  send   the 

earthquake   along   here,   and   take   home  your 
boys." 


66  Bmerican  Mit  anD  Ibumor 

A  lady  of  Washington  County  is  mother  of  a 
large  family  of  children,  and  they  are  all  rather 
diminutive.  A  few  days  after  the  birth  of  the 
youngest,  not  long  since,  a  little  niece  of  the 
lady  called  to  see  the  baby.  After  looking  at 
the  tiny  specimen  for  a  few  minutes,  the  little 
girl  said,  "Aunt  Maria,  don't  you  think  it 
would  be  better  to  have  less  of  'em  and  have 
'em  bigger?  " 

A  boy's  composition.  "  Last  summer  our 
dog  Towser  was  a  lying  in  the  sun  a  trine  to 
sleep,  but  the  flies  was  that  bad  he  cuddent,  cos 
he  had  to  cetch  em,  and  bime  by  a  bee  lit  on 
his  hed,  and  was  a  working  a  bout  like  the  dog 
was  hisn.  Towser  he  hel  his  hed  still,  and, 
when  the  bee  wos  close  to  his  nose,  Towser 
winked  at  me,  like  he  said  you  see  what  this 
duffer  is  a  doin,  he  thinks  I'm  a  lilly  of  the 
valley  which  issent  open  yet,  but  you  just  wait 
till  I  blossom  and  you  will  see  some  fun,  and 
sure  enuff  Towser  opened  his  mouth  very  slo  so 
as  not  to  fritten  the  bee,  and  the  bee  went  inside 
Towser's  mouth.  Then  Towser  he  shet  his 
dreamy  eyes,  and  his  mouth  too,  and  had  be- 
gun to  make  a  peacefile  smile  wen  the  bee 
stung  him,  and  you  never  see  a  lilly  of  the 
valley  ack  so  in  ol  your  life." 


american  TUHit  ant>  Ibumor  w 

A  Brooklyn  boy  wrote  a  composition  on  the 
subject  of  the  Quakers,  whom  he  described  as  a 
sect  who  never  quarreled,  never  got  into  a  fight, 
never  clawed  each  other  and  never  jawed  back. 
The  production  contained  a  postscript  in  these 
words :   "  Pa's  a  Quaker,  but  ma  isn't." 

There  is  a  precocious  six-year-old  boy  in 
Auburn,  Me.,  who  is  wonderful  on  spelling  and 
definition.  The  other  day  his  teacher  asked 
him  to  spell  matrimony  :  "  M-a-t-r-i-m-o-n-y," 
said  the  youngster,  promptly.  "Now  define 
it,"  said  the  teacher.  "Well,"  replied  the 
boy,  "  I  don't  exactly  know  what  it  means,  but 
I  know  mother's  got  enough  of  it !  " 

A  Sabbath-school  teacher  desirous  of  waking 
^he  dormant  powers  of  a  scholar,  asked  the 
question  :  "  What  are  we  taught  by  the  historic 
incident  of  Jacob  wrestling  with  the  angel?" 
The  cautious  reply  came  :  "  Dunno  'zactly,  but 
I  s'pose  'twas  to  tell  us  we  musn't  rastle." 


CHAPTER  IV 

Misce/Iir  neons 

"  Hangs  sorrow,  care '11  kill  a  cat." 

"  Don't  you  think,  husband,  that  you  are  apt 
to  believe  anything  you  hear  ?  "  "  No,  madam, 
not  when  you  talk." 

A  New  Orleans  juryman  was  asked  by  the 
judge  if  he  ever  read  the  papers.  He  replied  : 
"  Yes,  your  honor;  but  if  you'll  let  me  go  this 
time,  I'jl  never  do  so  any  more." 

"  Have  you  heard  ray  last  speech?  "  asked  a 
political  haranguer  of  a  wit.  "  I  sincerely  hope 
so,"  was  the  reply. 

A  young  woman  once  married  a  man  by  the 
name  of  Dust  against  the  wish  of  her  parents. 
After  a  short  time  they  began  to  quarrel,  alid 
she  attempted  to  return  to  her  father's  house, 
but  he  refused  to  receive  her,  saying,  "  Dust 
thou  art,  and  unto  Dust  thou  shall  return." 
And  she  got  up  and  dusted. 
68 


amertcan  TUait  anD  Ibumor  69 

Kate  Sanborn  inquires  :  "  Why  are  men  of 
genius  so  often  bachelors  ?  "  "  We  suspect  it  is 
because  they  are  born  so." 

"  Remember  who  you  are  talking  to,  sir," 
said  an  indignant  parent  to  a  facetious  boy ;  "I 
am  your  father."  "Well,  who's  to  blame  for 
that?"  said  the  young  impertinence,  " 'tain't 
me." 

A  city  fop  who  was  taking  an  airing  in  the 
country,  tried  to  amuse  himself  by  quizzing  an 
old  farmer  about  his  bald  head,  but  was  extin- 
guished by  the  old  man,  who  solemnly  re- 
marked, "  Young  man,  when  my  head  gets  as 
soft  as  yours  I  can  raise  hair  to  sell." 

"Ah!"  yawned  a  bachelor,  "this  world  is 
but  a  gloomy  prison."  "To  those  in  solitary 
confinement,"  added  a  witty  young  lady. 

A  few  days  since,  a  seedy  person  applied  to 
a  wealthy  citizen  for  help,  and  received  the 
small  sum  of  five  cents.  The  giver  remarked 
as  he  handed  him  the  pittance,  "  Take  it,  you 
are  welcome  ;  our  ears  are  always  open  to  the 
distressed."  "That  may  be,"  replied  the  re- 
cipient, "but  never  before  in  my  life  have  I 
seen  so  small  an  opening  for  such  large  ears." 


70  Bmcrlcan  THHit  anO  •fcumor 

Weary  person  on  evening  visit:  "Aw,  'm 
just  out  of  a  sick  bed."  Terrible  boy  :  "  Say, 
Mr.  Johnson,  what  ails  yer  bed  ?  " 

"Hope  for  bald  heads!"  angrily  explains 
the  editor  of  the  Jersey  City  Jourtial,  after  read- 
ing the  heading  of  a  newspaper  advertisement. 
"  Hope,  is  not  what  we  want.     We  need  hair." 

"Handsome  is  that  handsome  does,"  quoted 
a  Chicago  man  to  his  wife  the  other  day. 
"Yes,"  rejoined  she,  in  a  winning  tone,  as  she 
held  out  her  hand;  "for  instance,  a  husband 
who  is  always  ready  to  hand  some  money  to  his 
wife." 

"What's  the  use  of  trying  to  be  honest?" 
asked  a  young  man  the  other  day  of  a  friend. 
"Oh  !  you  ought  to  try  it  once  and  see,"  was 
the  reply. 

"  Nothing,"  said  an  impatient  husband,  "  re- 
minds me  so  much  of  Balaam  and  his  ass  as 
two  women  stopping  in  church  and  obstructing 
the  way  to  indulge  in  their  everlasting  talk." 
"But  you  forget,  dear,"  returned  the  wife, 
meekly,  "that  it  was  the  angel  who  stopped  the 
way,  and  Balaam  and  his  ass  who  complained 
of  it." 


American  Tllfllt  an5  Ibumoc  71 

A  wit  once  asked  a  peasant  what  part  he 
performed  in  the  great  drama  of  life.  "  I  mind 
my  own  business,"  was  the  reply. 

A  good  woman,  seeing  a  youth  emerge  from 
a  tavern,  said  :  "I  am  sorry  to  see  you  come 
out  of  such  a  place."  To  which  the  young 
man  responded:  "Why,  madam,  would  you 
have  me  stay  there  all  the  time  ?  " 

"  Are  there  any  fools  in  this  town  ?  "  asked  a 
stranger,  of  a  newsboy,  yesterday.  "  I  don't 
know,"  replied  the  boy,  "are  you  lonesome?" 

"  So,  here  lam,  between  two  tailors,"  cried 
a  beau  at  a  public  table,  where  a  couple  of 
young  tailors  were  seated,  who  had  just  begun 
business  for  themselves.  "True,"  was  the 
reply;  "  we  are  beginners,  and  can  only  afford 
to  keep  one  goose  between  us." 

A  young  man  who  thought  he  had  won  the 
heart,  and  now  asked  the  hand  in  marriage,  of 
a  certain  young  widow,  was  asked  by  her, 
"  What  is  the  difference  between  myself  and 
Mr.  Baxley's  Durham  cow?  "  He  naturally  re- 
plied, "Well,  I  don't  know."  "Then,"  said 
the  widow,  "  you  had  better  marry  the  cow." 


72  Bmerican  "Ulllt  anD  Ibumor 

"I  have  turned  many  a  woman's  head," 
boasted  a  young  nobleman  of  France.  "  Yes," 
replied  a  Talleyrand,  "away  from  you." 

A  man  out  ^Vest,  who  married  a  widow,  has 
invented  a  device  to  cure  her  of  eternally  prais- 
ing her  former  husband.  Whenever  she  begins 
to  discant  on  his  noble  qualities,  this  ingenious 
No.  2  merely  says  :  "Poor,  dear  man  !  how  I 
do  wish  he  had  not  died  !  " 

"  I  rise  for  information,"  said  a  member  of  a 
legislative  body.  "I'm  glad  to  hear  it,"  said 
a  bystander,  "  for  no  man  wants  it  more  than 
you." 

"I  meant  to  have  told  you  of  that  hole,"  said 
a  gentleman  to  his  friend  who  was  walking  with 
him  in  his  garden,  and  stumbled  into  a  pit  full 
of  water.  "No  matter,"  said  the  friend,  blow- 
ing the  mud  and  water  out  of  his  mouth,  "  I've 
found  it." 

"Do  you  really  believe,  Mr.  Podkin,  that 
anybody  could  make  a  head  from  butter?" 
asked  the  landlady.  "  Well,  yes,  ma'am,  I 
should  think  they  might,"  said  Podkins,  as  he 
pushed  back  his  individual  butter  plate  ;  "  some- 
body has  got  as  far  as  the  hair  with  this." 


american  mu  anO  Ibumot  73 

"  My  dear  sir,"  said  a  candidate,  accosting  a 
sturdy  wag  on  election  day,  "  I  am  very  glad  to 
see  you."  "You  needn't  be,"  replied  the  wag. 
"  I've  voted." 

According  to  a  Cincinnati  paper,  John 
Thomas  was  recently  sued  by  Hester  Prim  for 
breach  of  promise.  "John  Thomas,  come  into 
court !  "  shouted  the  constable.  "John  Thomas 
needn't  come  in  to  court  me  any  more,"  said 
Hester,  primly. 

"At  what  age  were  you  married?"  asked 
she  inquisitively.  But  the  other  lady  was  equal 
to  the  emergency,  and  quietly  responded,  "at 
the  parson  age." 

Apropos  of  the  Grahamite  theory  is  the  story 
of  old  Sam  Johnson's  definition  of  oatmeal. 
He  hated  the  Scotch  with  an  irrepressible  ma- 
lignity, and  never  lost  an  opportunity  to  express 
himself  on  the  subject.  When  engaged  on  his 
famous  dictionary  he  came  to  the  word  oatmeal, 
and  described  it  as  follows  :  "A  substance  that 
is  given  to  horses  in  England  and  to  men  in 
Scotland."  One  of  the  Edinburgh  professors 
saw  it,  and  said :  "  Ay,  and  what  splendid 
horses  you  have  in  England,  and  what  splendid 
men  we  have  in  Scotland  !  ' 


74  Bmctlcan  TlDlit  and  Ibumor 

"  A  fellow  must  sow  his  wild  oals,  you  know," 
exclaimed  the  adolescent  John.  "Yes,"  re- 
plied Annie,  "  but  one  shouldn't  begin  sowing 
so  soon  after  cradling." 

The  father  of  a  boy  whose  veracity  is  not  so 
marked  as  his  back,  asked  the  teacher  why  his 
son  didn't  have  a  better  acquaintance  with  fig- 
ures, and  was  considerably  electrified  when  the 
teacher  tenderly  observed,  "  I  really  don't  know, 
unless  it  is  because  figures  won't  lie." 

"Can  you  tell  me  how  old  the  devil  is?" 
asked  an  irreverent  fellow  of  a  clergyman. 
"  My  friend,  you  must  keep  your  own  family 
record,"  was  the  reply. 

One  night  Jones  came  home  very  late,  and 
found  his  wife  evidently  prepared  to  administer 
a  caudle  lecture.  Instead  of  going  to  bed,  he 
took  a  seat  and,  resting  his  elbows  on  his  knees, 
seemed  absorbed  in  grief,  sighing  heavily,  and 
uttering  such  exclamations  as,  "  Poor  Smith, 
poor  fellow."  Mrs.  Jones,  moved  by  curiosity, 
said,  sharply,  "  What's  the  matter  with  Smith  ?  " 
"Ah,"  said  Jones,  "his  wife  is  giving  him  fits 
just  now."  Mrs.  Jones  let  her  husband  off  that 
time. 


Bmerlcan  TKHit  anO  Ibumot  75 

Mrs.  Jenkins  complained  in  the  evening  that 
the  turkey  she  had  eaten  didn't  set  well. 
"Probably,"  said  Jenkins,  "it  was  not  a  hen 
turkey." 

An  old  citizen  in  a  country  village,  on  having 
a  subscription  list  handed  him  toward  purchas- 
ing a  new  hearse  for  the  place,  thus  excused 
himself:  "I  paid  five  dollars  for  a  new  hearse 
forty  years  ago,  and  me  and  my  folks  hain't  had 
the  benefit  of  it  yet." 

"I'm  so  thirsty,"  said  a  boy  at  work  in  a 
cornfield.  "  Well,  work  away,"  said  his  in- 
dustrious father,  "you  know  the  prophet  says, 
'  Ho  every  one  that  thirsteth.'  " 

A  commercial  traveler,  who  is  something  of  a 
wag,  thus  relates  his  experience.  He  and  his 
companion  were  the  sole  occupants  of  the 
smoking-car.  They  tried  to  converse  but  the 
road  was  so  rough  they  were  pitched  from  side 
to  side  like  ship's  passengers.  At  last  they 
were  able  to  make  each  other  understood.  One 
said,  "  Dan,  the  old  thing  is  running  smoother." 
To  which  Dan  replies,  "  Yes,  I  guess  she's  off 
the  track." 


76  Bmerlcan  imit  anD  Ibumor 

"  Can't  you  make  any  allowance  for  a  man's 
being  drunk?  "  "  Certainly,"  said  the  judge. 
"  I'll  allow  you  thirty  days  in  the  workhouse." 

Landlady — (to  boarder  who  has  passed  his 
cup  six  times)  "  You  are  very  fond  of  coffee,  Mr. 
Smith."  Mr.  Smith — "  Yes,  ma'am,  it  looks 
as  if  I  was  when  I  am  willing  to  swallow  so  much 
water  for  the  sake  of  getting  a  little." 

A  young  man  charged  with  being  lazy  was 
asked  if  he  took  it  from  his  father,  "  I  think 
not,"  was  the  reply;  "father's  got  all  the  lazi- 
ness he  ever  had." 

"  My  dear  boy,"  said  a  fond  aunt  to  a  fast 
living  nephew,  "  don't  you  know  that  in  leading 
this  irregular  life,  you  are  shortening  your 
days  ?  "  "It's  quite  possible,"  was  the  cool  re- 
ply, "that  I  may  be  shortening  my  days,  but 
tlien  look  how  I  am  lengthening  my  nights?  " 

A  man  with  a  long  nose  had  the  end  of  it 
frostbitten.  A  friend  remarked,  "  You  should 
have  rubbed  it,  and  prevented  the  calamity." 
He  replied  that  he  did,  as  far  as  he  could 
reach. 


Bmerlcan  Mit  anO  iDumoc  77 

"D'ye  mean  to  say  that  this  is  lamb?" 
Butcher,  "Cert'n'y,  mum!"  Old  lady, 
"Maybe  it  was  one;  you  and  I  was  lambs 
about  the  same  time." 

"I  can't  pass  you  to-night,"  said  the  door- 
keeper of  one  of  our  theatres  to  an  inveterate 
dead  head.  "Well,  I  don't  want  you  to  p.iss 
me,"  said  the  dead  head.  "You  just  stay 
where  you  are,  and  I'll  pass  you — and  he 
passed." 

He,  "By  Jove,  you  know — upon  my  word — • 
if  I  were  to  see  a  ghost,  you  know,  I  would  be" 
a  chattering  idiot  for  the  rest  of  my  life."  She, 
"  Haven't  you  seen  a  ghost?  " 

An  American,  after  dining  at  a  London  res- 
taurant, paid  his  bill,  and  was  about  leaving, 
when  the  waiter  suggested  that  the  amount  did 
not  include  the  waiter.  "  Ah  !  "  said  the  man, 
"  but  I  didn't  eat  the  waiter  !  " 

A  western  journalist  tells  us  what  he  would 
do  if  he  were  a  jackass.  A  rival  journalist  re- 
marks that  what  people  desire  to  know  is,  what 
he  would  do  if  he  wasn't  one. 


78  Bmertcan  TlUlit  auD  Ibumot 

"  Do  not  many  a  widower,"  said  the  old 
lady.  "  A  ready-macie  family  is  like  a  plate  of 
cold  potatoes."  "Oh,  I'll  soon  warm  them 
over,"  replied  the  damsel,  and  she  did. 

There  are  some  persons  who  can't  take  a  joke. 
Fogg  is  not  one  of  them.  One  of  the  boys,  ac- 
quainted with  Fogg's  frequent  changes  of  abode, 
asked  him  which  he  thought  was  the  cheaper, 
to  move  or  pay  rent.  "  I  can't  tell  you,  my 
dear  boy,"  replied  Fogg.  "I  have  always 
moved." 

"If  I  were  as  flat-footed  as  you  are,  I  would 
not  be  afraid  of  slipping  on  the  sidewalk." 
"Yes,"  was  the  response;  "some  persons  are 
flat  on  one  end,  and  some  on  the  other." 

"The  caution  of  the  New  Englander  in  giv- 
ing an  answer  to  a  direct  question  was  illustrated 
tome,"  says  a  correspondent,  "the  other  day, 
when  I  asked  an  eastern  friend  of  mine,  whose 
family  were  not  noted  for  very  active  habits, 
'Was  not  your  father's  death  very  sudden?' 
Slowly  drawing  one  hand  from  his  pocket,  and 
pulling  down  his  beard,  the  interrogated  cau- 
tiously replied,  '  Waal,  rather  sudden,  for 
him.'" 


Bmetican  TlUlit  anD  Ibumoc  79 

He  was  twitted  of  liis  baldness  and  retorted 
sharply  :  "  Well,  there  are  two  things  you  never 
saw  in  this  world,  a  red-headed  nigger  or  a 
bald-headed  fool." 

A  howling  young  swell  stood  in  the  vestibule 
of  a  theatre  scowling  savagely  at  a  countryman 
near  by  who  had  been  staring  at  him  for  several 
minutes,  and  said  :  "  What  do  you  take  me  for, 
anyhow?"  "  Wal,  stranger,"  replied  the  gran- 
ger, "I've  been  a  sizin'  you  up  purty  well  for  a 
second  or  so,  and  I  wouldn't  take  you,  just  as 
you  stand,  at  any  price — unless  I  was  awful  hard 
up  for  fertilizing  material." 

A  musician,  noticing  that  his  friends  wearied 
at  his  performance,  remarked  :  "  You  are  aware 
that  this  is  a  very  difficult  passage."  "  I  wish 
it  was  impossible,"  replied  one. 

The  young  man  with  presence  of  mind  resides 
in  Detroit.  Just  as  he  was  lifting  his  hat  to  a 
couple  of  young  ladies  on  Woodward  avenue,  a 
boy  ran  a  sled  against  his  legs,  and  the  fashion- 
able young  man  turned  half  a  dozen  pigeon- 
wings  and  came  down  on  all  fours.  Picking 
his  hat  up  without  so  much  as  a  frown,  he  re- 
marked to  the  ladies  :  "  I  am  always  subject  to 
these  dizzy  spells  in  winter." 


80  amccican  llllit  anO  Ibumot 

"Young  man,"  said  the  landlord,  "I  always 
eat  the  cheese  rind."  And  the  new  boarder  re- 
plied, "Just  so;   I  am  leaving  this  for  you." 

It  is  related  of  a  sentimental  Newark  youth, 
who  made  a  call  upon  a  young  lady,  that,  get- 
ting short  of  something  to  say,  he  remarked  : 
"  How  sad  it  is,  the  frost  has  killed  everything 
green  !  "  Whereupon  the  lady  arose  with  tears 
in  her  eyes,  and  shook  his  hand  warmly,  ex- 
claiming:  "No,  not  everything.  You,  thank 
heaven,  have  been  spared." 

A  drunken  Congressman  said  to  Horace 
Greeley  one  day  :  "I  am  a  self-made  man." 
"Then,  sir,"  replied  the  philosophical  Horace, 
"  the  fact  relieves  the  Almighty  of  a  great 
responsibility." 

An  Austin  schoolmaster  entered  his  temple  of 
learning  a  few  mornings  ago,  he  read  on  the 
blackboard  the  touching  legend  :  "  Our  teacher 
is  a  donkey."  The  pupils  expected  there  would 
be  a  combined  cyclone  and  earthquake,  but  the 
philosophic  pedagogue  contented  himself  with 
adding  the  word  "driver"  to  the  legend  and 
opened  the  school  with  prayer  as  usual. 


american  'Wflit  anO  Ibumor  8i 

Said  a  pompous  husband,  whose  wife  had 
stolen  up  behind  and  given  him  a  kiss : 
"  Madame,  I  consider  such  an  act  indecorous." 
"Excuse  me,"  said  the  wife,  "I  did  not  know 
it  was  you." 

As  a  young  couple  were  out  riding  the  other 
evening,  the  young  man  ventured  to  ask  for  a 
kiss.  The  lady  was  much  surprised — as  all 
young  ladies  affect  to  be  when  such  a  request  is 
made — and  asked  him  what  good  it  would  do 
him.  "Oh,"  replied  the  young  man,  "it 
would  make  one  feel  so  gay  and  lively." 
"  Well,  Charley,  if  as  you  say,  a  kiss  is  apt  to 
make  one  feel  so  gay  and  lively,  I  think  if  we 
expect  to  get  home  before  morning  you  had 
better  get  out  at  once  and  kiss  the  old  horse." 

A  witness,  in  describing  certain  events,  said  : 
"  The  person  I  saw  at  the  head  of  the  stairs  was 
a  man  with  one  eye  named  Jacob  Wilkins." 
"  What  was  the  name- of  the  other  eye?  "  spite- 
fully asked  the  opposing  counsel.  The  witness 
was  disgusted  at  the  levity  of  the  audience. 

Financial  :  "  They  tell  me  you've  had  some 
money  left  you,"  said  Brown.  "  Yes,"  replied 
Fogg  sadly,  "  it  left  me  long  ago." 


82  American  Mtt  anD  Ibumor 

"Do  you  think,"  asked  Mrs.  Pepper,  "that 
a  little  temper  is  a  bad  thing  in  a  woman?" 
"  Certainly  not,  ma'am,"  replied  a  gallant  phi- 
losopher ;  "it  is  a  good  thing,  and  she  ought 
never  to  lose  it." 

"  Nice  weather  for  corn  !  "  said  a  minister  up 
the  valley  to  one  of  his  parishioners,  the  other 
day.  "  Yes,"  said  the  old  farmer,  "  but  bad  for 
grain  and  grass."  A  few  days  later  they  met 
again.  "A  fine  rain  we  had  yesterday,"  said 
the  minister;  "good  for  grass  and  grain." 
"  Yes,"  was  the  reply,  "  but  awful  bad  for 
corn." 

A  timid  Bostonian  has  married  a  lady  whose 
weight  verges  closely  upon  200  pounds.  "  My 
dear,"  says  he  to  her,  "shall  I  help  you  over 
the  fence?"  "No,"  says  she  to  him,  "help 
the  fence." 

A  story  is  told  of  a  cool  Bostonian  when  un- 
dergoing a  cross-examination.  General  Butler 
had  badgered  him  unmercifully,  and  finally  said 
with  a  mixture  of  solemnity  and  fierceness,  "  Can 
you  look  me  in  the  eye  and  repeat  that?  "  The 
witness  looked  at  him  a  moment  and  asked 
quietly,  "Which  eye?" 


Bmerlcan  TKnit  an&  Ibumor  83 

"  Hovv  are  ye,  Smith,"  said  Jones.  Smith 
pretended  not  to  know  him,  and  answered  hesi- 
tatingly :  "Sir,  you  have  the  advantage  of 
me."  "  Yes,  I  suppose  so.  Everybody  has 
that's  got  common  sense." 

There  is  a  story  of  a  traveler,  who,  wishing 
to  reach  Taunton,  in  the  state  of  Massachusetts, 
had  somewhat  got  turned  around  and  was  trot- 
ting along  very  composedly  in  the  opposite  di- 
rection from  the  right  one  to  that  town.  Meet- 
ing a  farmer  in  the  road,  he  drew  up  and  asked, 
"  How  far  is  it  to  Taunton,  if  I  keep  straight 
on  ?  "  "  Well,"  said  the  farmer,  with  a  twinkle 
in  his  intelligent  eye,  "if  ye  keep  straight  on 
the  way  ye  are  going  now,  it's  about  twenty-five 
thousand  miles ;  if  ye  turn  right  round  and  go 
t'other  way,  it's  about  half  a  mile." 

A  composer  once  brought  a  manuscript  to 
Rossini,  who,  on  listening,  every  minute  took 
off  his  hat  and  put  it  on  again.  The  composer 
asked  whether  he  was  so  warm.  "No,"  said 
Rossini:  "but  I  am  in  the  habit  of  taking  off 
my  hat  whenever  I  meet  an  old  acquaintance, 
and  there  are  so  many  I  remember  in  your 
composition,  that  I  have  continually  to  bow." 


84  Bmedcan  Mit  an(>  tbumor 

"  What  did  the  Puritans  come  to  this  country 
for  ?  "  asked  a  Massachusetts  teacher  of  a  class 
in  American  history!  "To  worship  in  their 
own  way,  and  make  other  people  do  the  same," 
was  the  reply. 

A  sceptic  who  was  badgering  a  simple-minded 
old  man  about  a  miracle  and  Balaam's  ass, 
finally  said  :  "  How  is  it  possible  for  an  ass  to 
talk  like  a  man  ?  "  "  Well,"  replied  the  honest 
old  believer,  with  meaning  emphasis,  "I  don't 
see  why  it  ain't  as  easy  for  an  ass  to  talk  like  a 
man  as  it  is  for  a  man  to  talk  like  an  ass." 

A  young  man  went  into  a  florist's  store  the 
other  day  to  buy  a  rosebud  for  his  afi&anced. 
Seventy-five  cents  was  the  price  asked.  "Will 
it  keep?"  inquired  the  young  man.  "Oh, 
yes,  a  long  while."  "Then  you  may  keep  it." 
Exit  young  man. 

"What's  that?"  he  asked  his  landlady,  as 
she  set  his  cup  by  his  plate.  "Coffee,"  was 
the  prompt  and  decisive  reply.  "  Ah,"  inno- 
cently remarked  the  boarder,  with  an  air  of  in- 
terest, "and  what  is  it  made  of?  "  And  there 
was  silence  around  the  table  for  the  space  of 
half  an  hour. 


Bmerican  "Wllit  anO  Ibumor  85 

A  man  named  Oats  was  liaulcd  up  recently  for 
beating  his  wife  and  children.  On  being  sen- 
tenced to  imprisonment  the  brute  remarked  t'.iat 
it  was  very  hard  if  a  man  was  not  allowed  to 
thrash  his  own  oats. 

"  What  a  nuisance  1  "  exclaimed  a  gentleman 
at  a  concert,  as  a  young  fop  in  front  of  him  kept 
talking  in  a  loud  voice  to  a  lady  at  his  side. 
"  Did  you  refer  to  me,  sir  ?  "  threateningly  de- 
manded the  fop.  "Oh,  no;  I  meant  the  mu- 
sicians there,  who  keep  up  such  noise  with  their 
instruments  that  I  can't  hear  your  conversa- 
tion." 

A  lady  who  refused  to  give,  after  hearing  a 
charity  sermon  had  her  pocket  picked  as  she  was 
leaving  the  church.  On  making  the  discovery 
she  said  :  "  The  parson  could  not  find  the  way 
to  my  pocket,  but  the  devil  did." 

A  clerk  in  a  city  book  store,  thinking  to  an- 
noy a  Quaker  customer  who  looked  as  though 
he  was  fresh  from  the  country,  handed  him  a 
volume,  saying  :  "  Here  is  an  excellent  essay 
on  the  rearing  of  calves."  "Thee  had  better 
present  it  to  thy  mother,  young  man,"  was  the 
spontaneous  retort  of  the  Quaker. 


86  American  vlUt  aiiD  Humor 

Irascible  old  party,  "Conductor,  why  didn't 
you  wake  me  as  1  asked  you?"  Conductor, 
"  I  did  try,  sir,  but  all  1  could  get  out  of  you 
was,  'All  right,  Maria;  get  the  children  their 
bieakfast,  and  I'll  be  down  in  a  minute.'  " 

Adolphus'  courage  was  up.  Falling  on  his 
knees  he  cried:  "  Angeline,  dearest,  make  me 
the  happiest  of  men  by  accepting  my  heart  and 
hand."  Casting  one  look  at  the  great  paw, 
Angeline  thrilled  in  every  fibre  as  she  replied 
sweetly:  "  Oh,  Adolphus,  this  is  more  than  I 
expected." 

A  peddler  called  on  a  Uniontown  lady  to  dis- 
pose of  some  goods,  and  inquired  of  her  if  she 
could  tell  him  of  any  road  on  which  no  peddler 
had  travelled.  "Yes,"  replied  she,  "I  know 
of  one  and  that  is  the  road  to  heaven." 

A  bashful  young  man  escorted  an  equally 
bashful  young  lady.  As  they  approached  the 
dwelling  of  the  damsel,  she  said  entreatingly, 
"  Zekill,  don't  tell  anybody  you  beau'd  me 
home."  "Sary,"  said  he,  emphatically,  "don't 
you  mind,  I  am  as  much  ashamed  of  it  as  you 
are." 


Bmerican  tmit  anD  tjumoc  87 

Clough,  in  one  of  his  recently  published  let- 
ters, tells  a  story  of  an  aged  Calvanist  woman, 
who,  being  asked  about  the  Universalists,  said, 
"  Yes,  they  expect  everybody  will  be  saved  but 
we  look  for  better  things." 

When  the  renowned  Mrs.  Siddons  was  playing 
in  Dublin,  in  the  well-known  tragedy  of  "  Mac- 
beth," she,  as  Lady  Macbeth  came  to  that  i)art 
where  a  drum  sounds  and  she  exclaims,  "A 
drum!  a  drum!  Macbeth  doth  come."  There 
was  some  difficulty  or  neglect  in  obtaining  the 
necessary  instruments,  and  to  her  amazement  a 
trumpet  sounded.  She  immediately  saw  how 
absurd  it  would  be  to  say  "drum"  while  the 
well-known  sound  of  the  other  met  the  ears  of 
the  vast  audience,  and  she  said,  "  A  trumpet ! 
a  trumpet !  "  and  stopped  short  amid  breathless 
silence,  not  knowing  how  to  rhyme  it,  when  a 
voice  from  the  gallery  called  out,  "  Macbeth 
doth  stump  it !  "  at  which  the  house  broke  out 
in  one  peal  of  laughter  and  applause,  and  the 
tragedienne  advanced  to  the  foot-lights  and 
bowed  her  acknowledgments  for  the  relief.  She 
afterward  tried  to  find  out  who  it  was,  but  failed 
to  do  so,  and  never  forgot  what  she  considered 
the  most  genuine  piece  of  wit  she  had  ever  met 
with  in  all  her  experience. 


88  Hmccican  "CClit  anO  Kumor 

Between  new-made  lovers:  "Then,  Adel- 
githa,  you  will  be  mine?  "  "  Yes,  Ferdinand, 
if  pa  is  willing.  1  always  do  what  he  wants 
me  to."  "But  will  he  give  his  consent?" 
"  He  will.  Pa  always  does  what  I  want 
him  to." 

Whiskey  is  about  the  only  enemy  man  has 
succeeded  in  really  loving. 

A  few  days  since  a  man  convicted  of  drunken- 
ness stood  up  before  His  Honor  at  the  police 
court,  and  His  Honor  said,  in  his  slow,  solemn 
way  :  "  I'll  give  you  ten  dollars  or  thirty  days." 
"Well,  I'll  take  the  ten  dollars,  squire,"  said 
the  fellow. 

A  man  who  don't  know  anything  will  tell  you 
it  the  first  chance  he  gets. 

"Who  was  the  doubting  disciple?"  asked 
the  Sunday-school  teacher.  "  Peter,"  promptly 
replied  the  smart  boy.  "No,  Thomas,"  said 
the  teacher.  "Then  what  do  people  al  way  say 
Petered  out  for  ?  "  asked  the  smart  bad  boy. 

A  satirical  innkeeper  in  Wytheville,  Va., 
advertises  his  house  as  the  "only  second-class 
hotel  in  the  world." 


Bmerican  xaillt  anD  t>umor  89 

"I  aim  to  tell  the  truth."  "Yes,"  inter- 
rupted an  acquaintance,  "and  you  are  probably 
the  worst  shot  in  America." 

John  Randolph  met  a  personal  enemy  in  the 
street  one  day,  who  refused  to  give  him  half  the 
sidewalk,  saying  that  he  never  turned  out  for  a 
rascal.  "I  do,"  said  Randolph,  stepping  aside 
and  politely  raising  his  hat,  "pass on." 

And  Ananias  stood  forth.  This  is  said  to 
have  been  so  that  some  modern  liars  could  stand 
first,  second  and  third. 

"  My  dear  Polly,  I  am  surprised  at  your  taste 
in  wearing  another  woman's  hair  on  your  head," 
said  Mr.  Smith  to  his  wife.  "My  dearest  Joe, 
I  am  equally  astonished  that  you  persist  in  wear- 
ing another  sheep's  wool  on  your  back." 

"How  sensibly  your  little  boy  talks!"  ex- 
claimed Mrs.  Smith.  "Yes,"  replied  Mrs. 
Brown;  "  he  hasn't  been  among  company  yet." 

The  following  correspondence  explains  itself: 
"  Dear  Mrs.  Jones,  Please  let  me  have  a  dozen 
tomatoes  if  you  can."  Sallie  Smith:  "Dear 
Mrs.  Smith,  We  are  not  going  to  can ;  we  pro- 
pose to  pickle." 


90  Hmerican  "CUit  anD  Ibumor 

The  sweet  singer  of  Michigan  says,  that,  like 
Bryant,  she  desires  to  die  in  June ;  which,  it 
seems  to  us,  is  putting  it  off  too  long. 

Professor,  "  What  is  a  monarchy?"  Fresh- 
man, "A  people  governed  by  a  king."  Pro- 
fessor, "  Who  would  reign  if  the  king  should 
die?"  Freshman,  "The  queen."  Professor, 
"And  if  the  queen  should  die?"  Freshman, 
"The  jack." 

The  Louisville  Courier-Journal  says  the 
peculiarity  of  croquet  is  that  no  brains  have 
•ever  been  knocked  out  in  the  game. 

"Madam,  don't  you  know  that  your  baby 
will  catch  its  death  of  cold  there?  "  "  No,  sir," 
she  responded.  "  Well,  it's  such  carelessness 
as  that  which  fills  our  cemetery  with  little 
graves,"  he  continued.  "  While  all  the  old 
fools  continue  to  live,"  she  replied. 

A  clergyman  in  Iowa,  a  few  days  since, 
warned  his  congregation  against  trying  to  hide 
their  souls  behind  a  five-cent  piece  ! 

So  many  murderers  about  to  be  hanged  hope 
to  meet  us  all  in  heaven,  that  we  have  about 
concluded  to  start  for  the  other  place. 


american  TKIllt  anD  Ibumoc  91 

A  Chicago  paper,  referring  to  a  new  minister, 
said  :  "  His  prayer  was  the  most  eloquent  that 
was  ever  addressed  to  a  Chicago  audience." 

They  were  discussing  an  elopement,  and  one 
lady  turning  to  her  friend  said:  "Don't  you 
believe  it  would  kill  you  if  your  husband  was  to 
run  away  with  another  woman  ?  "  "It  might," 
was  the  cool  reply.  "Great  joy  sometimes 
kills." 

A  woman  is  never  thoroughly  interested  in  a 
newspaper  article  until  she  reaches  the  place 
where  the  balance  is  torn  off. 

A  lady  much  addicted  to  gadding  was  sud- 
denly taken  ill.  She  requested  her  husband  to 
run  for  a  physician.  The  obedient  spouse  said  : 
"  But  where  shall  I  find  you  when  I  get  back 
again?  " 

First  lady,  "  Dear  me,  I  never  saw  Mrs. 
Potts  look  so  pale."  Second  lady,  "Nor  I; 
she's  probably  been  out  in  the  rain  without  an 
umbrella." 

A  man  in  New  York  has  a  watch  which  he 
claims  has  gained  time  enough  to  pay  for  itself 
in  six  months. 


92  Bmerican  TWlit  anO  Ibumor 

When  you  hear  a  man  say  the  world  owes 
him  a  living,  don't  leave  any  hams  lying 
around  loose. 

The  small-minded  swindler  arrested  for  steal- 
ing railroad  passes  deserves  the  severest  con- 
demnation. If  he  had  simply  stolen  the  railroad 
itself  he  might  have  become  an  honored  and  re- 
spected member  of  the  Wall  street  board  of 
brokers. 

To  prevent  his  being  rejected  by  another 
woman  a  Michigander  vaccinated  himself  with 
a  shot-gun. 

A  young  man  in  western  Illinois  advertised 
for  a  wife,  his  sister  answered  the  "ad,"  and 
now  the  young  man  thinks  there  is  no  balm  in 
advertisements,  while  the  old  folks  think  it's 
pretty  hard  to  have  two  fools  in  the  family. 

An  observing  writer  says  no  true  woman  will 
ever  marry  a  man  so  tall  that  she  cannot  reach 
his  hair. 

The  gang  of  burglars  who  work  for  seven 
straight  hours  to  hammer  a  safe  to  pieces  to 
secure  fourteen  cents,  know  how  a  country  min- 
ister feels  next  day  after  a  donation  visit. 


amectcan  IKUit  anO  Ibumor  93 

Buzz-saw  Ite^n — Henry  Stanaker,  of  Palestine, 
Texas.  In  his  life  he  was  lovely,  and  in  his 
death  he  was  divided. 

A  divine  passing  a  fashionable  church,  on 
which  a  new  spire  was  being  erected,  was  asked 
how  much  higher  it  was  to  be:  "Not  much; 
that  congregation  don't  own  very  far  in  that 
direction." 

Unto  the  good  little  boy  shall  be  given  the 
pic-nic  ticket,  but  the  wicked  son  shall  recline 
on  his  mother's  knee. 

It  is  to  be  hoped  that  Congress  will  soon  see 
the  propriety  of  adjourning,  to  the  end  that  the 
telegraphic  instruments  needed  for  the  transmis- 
sion of  baseball  news  may  not  be  occupied  by 
Washington  matters. 

The  editor  of  an  Illinois  paper  says  that  he 
does  not  depend  upon  journalism  for  his  daily 
bread,  but  raises  hens.  We  wonder  whose  hens 
he  raises. 

The  bloodhound  of  the  "  Uncle  Tom  Cabin 
Compan}',"  broke  loose  last  week  and  killed  the 
donkey.     The  dog  was  rather  mean  to  pick  out 

the  best  actor  in  the  company. 


94  Bmerlcan  Mtt  anO  Ibumor 

When  a  young  boy  gets  so  he's  ashamed  to 
sit  on  his  mother's  lap,  look  out  for  something. 
He's  probably  in  business  for  himself — holding 
somebody  else. 

"That  butter  is  all  right,"  said  a  boarding- 
house  keeper.  "  It  is  firkin  butter  and  tastes  of 
the  wood  a  little.  That's  all."  "If  that  is  the 
case,"  replied  a  boarder,  who  is  a  contractor, 
"  I  should  like  to  get  some  of  that  wood  to  make 
railroad  bridges  out  of." 

A  Philadelphia  youth  was  recently  married  to 
a  girl  who  had  refused  him  eighteen  times. 
He  wishes  now  he  hadn't  asked  her  but  seven- 
teen. 

Jay  Gould,  it  is  said,  is  looking  for  an  illus- 
tration for  the  tombstone  to  be  erected  upon 
the  new  $40,000  plot  at  Woodlawn  cemetery. 
How  would  a  shorn  lamb  do?  It  would  be 
kind  of  suggestive  of  life's  work,  and  melan- 
choly enough  for  a  tombstone. 

A  paper  speaking  of  a  family  who  made  a  for- 
tune out  of  whiskey,  says:  "They  live  on 
Twenty-third  street,  in  a  perfect  delirium- 
tremens  of  splendor.' 


Bmcrican  XXMt  anO  Ibumor  95 

A  Danbury  man  who  bouglit  a  second-hand 
bedstead  at  auction  has  sent  it  to  Professor 
Agassiz,  the  celebrated  entomologist. 

The  manufacture  of  ija[)er  from  wood  has 
reached  the  altitude  of  perfection  in  Canada. 
The  superintendent  of  a  mill  up  there  says  :  "A 
tree  is  cut  down  and  shoved  in  one  end  of  the 
mill,  and  five  minutes  later  there  is  a  neighbor 
to  borrow  the  newspaper." 

A  butcher  recently  found  a  shawl-pin  in  a 
cow  he  was  cutting  up  into  steaks.  It  is  sup- 
posed the  animal  had  swallowed  a  milkmaid. 

"  What  is  a  yacht  ?  "  we  inquired  of  a  long, 
gaunt  coddler,  who  was  lounging  about  the 
wharf.  "  Vv'hat's  a  yot  ?  "  said  the  fisherman. 
''Well,  you  get  any  sort  of  craft  you  please, 
and  fill  her  up  with  liquor  and  seegyars  and 
get  your  friends  on  board  and  have  a  high  old 
time,  and  that's  a  yot !  " 

Enthusiastic  Pedestrian,  "Am  I  traveling  on 
the  right  road  for  Stratford — Shakespeare's  town, 
you  know?  You've  heard  of  him  ?  "  Intelli- 
gent British  Rustic,  "  Yees  ;  be  you  he  ?  " 


96  Bmcrican  Mit  anD  Ibumor 

A  young  Vermonter  offers  his  hand  to  a  nice 
little  dairy-maid,  saying,  "  If  you  don't  choose 
it,  cheese  it."     She  chose  it. 

A  wag,  the  other  da)'-,  asked  his  friend, 
"  How  many  knaves  do  you  suppose  live  in  this 
street  besides  yourself?"  "Besides  myself!" 
replied  the  other.  <'  Do  you  mean  to  insult 
me?"  "Well,  then,"  said  the  first,  "how  many 
do  you  reckon  including  yourself?" 

Adam  had  one  consolation  when  he  fell. 
Fifteen  or  twenty  acquaintances  did  not  stand 
on  the  opposite  corner  and  laugh  at  his  mishap. 

A  rural  editor  has  lost  faith  in  the  luck  of 
horseshoes.  He  nailed  one  over  his  door  re- 
cently, and  that  morning  there  came  by  mail 
three  duns  and  seven  stops,  and  a  man  called 
with  a  revolver  to  ask,  "Who  wrote  tliat 
article?  " 

It  is  a  solemn  thing  for  a  penniless  young 
man  to  lead  a  blushing  bride  up  to  the  altar  and 
promise  to  endow  her  with  all  his  worldly  goods. 

"How's  your  husband  this  evening,  Mrs. 
Quaggs  ?  "  "  No  improvement,  doctor,  one  way 
or  the  other." 


Bmedcan  TlHlit  anD  Ibumoc  97 

Mr.  Moffatt  of  Ohio  tried  to  melt  a  bullet  out 
of  his  gun.      He  succeeded.     Aged  sixty-two. 

A  little  boy  from  New  York  went  into  the 
country  visiting.  He  had  a  bowl  of  bread  and 
milk.  He  tasted  it,  and  then  hesitated  a  mo- 
ment, when  his  mother  asked  him  if  he  didn't 
like  it,  to  which  he  replied,  smacking  his  lips  : 
"Yes,  ma,  I  was  wishing  our  milkman  would 
keep  a  cow." 

A  Wisconsin  book  agent  has  been  killed  by 
the  kick  of  a  horse — man's  most  faithful  friend. 

An  unintelligent  foreigner,  who  is  quite  un- 
able to  understand  and  appreciate  American 
manners,  writes  home  that  when  a  great  man 
dies  in  the  United  States,  the  first  thing  done  is 
to  propose  a  fine  statue  in  his  honor;  next,  to 
forget  to  order  any  statue,  and  last,  to  wonder 
what  became  of  the  money. 

It  is  better  to  be  alone  in  the  world  than  to 
bring  up  a  boy  to  play  on  the  accordeon. 

Never  insult  a  man  because  he  is  poor  in 
purse  or  raiment ;  for  beneath  a  ragged  coat  it 
may  be  that  a  muscle  lies  concealed  that  could 
put  a  head  on  the  oldest  man  in  the  business. 


9S  Hmerican  Mit  anO  Ibumor 

A  western  editor  speaks  of  a  wind  that  just 
sat  on  liis  hind  legs  and  liowled. 

A  Montana  woman  sued  for  divorce  because 
her  liubuand  kissed  the  servant  girl.  "  You 
want  this  man  punished  ?  "  said  the  judge.  "  I 
.10,"  said  she.  ''Then  I  shall  not  divorce  you 
fioiii  inm,"  said  the  judge. 

Our  west,  when  a  lazy  man  is  seen  at  work 
they  say  he  is  meddling  with  industry. 

A  stranger  with  an  impediment  in  his  speech, 
having  closely  examined  our  cemetery,  anxiously 
inquired  of  a  friend,  "Where  do  you  b-b-ury 
your  s-s-s-sinners?  " 

A  confectioner  at  the  south  end  advertises 
broken  hearts  for  thirteen  cents  a  pound. 

A  Poughkeepsie  parent  lately  induced  a 
croupy  youngster  to  make  quite  a  hearty  meal 
of  buckwheat  cakes  and  maple  syrup,  but  the 
latter  proved  to  be  a  nice  syrup  of  squills.  The 
boy  said  he  thought  something  ailed  the  mo- 
lasses the  very  minute  his  father  told  him  to  eat 
all  he  wanted  to. 


amcctcan  TKIlit  an&  Ibumor  oo 

All  armless  Milwaukee  woman  boxes  her  hus- 
band's ears  with  her  feet. 

"If  I  ever  used  any  unkind  words,  Hannah," 
said  Mr.  Smiley,  reflectively,  "I  take  them  all 
back."  "Yes,  I  suppose  you  want  to  use 
them  over  again,"  was  the  not  very  soothing 
reply. 

A  litde  girl  suffering  from  the  mumps  de- 
clared that  she  "felt  as  if  a  headache  had 
slipped  down  into  her  neck." 

This  is  the  sort  of  notice  that  an  Oregon  lec- 
turer gets  from  his  village  newspaper  :  "  Colonel 
Jo.  Meek  has  shouldered  his  jaw-bone,  and  will 
tell  the  people  more  than  they  ever  dreamt  of 
about  mining." 

Every  married  woman  is  personally  acquainted 
with  a  married  man  who  will  sit  right  alongside 
of  a  stove  and  let  the  fire  go  out. 

It  is  an  actual  fact,  demonstrated  beyond  a 
doubt,  that  the  sound  of  a  fiddle  in  the  house 
will  drive  rats  away.  You  see  the  rats  don't 
own  any  property  and  can  get  away  as  well  as 
not. 


100  Bmcrican  Tlilllt  anD  Ibumor 

A  Western  paper  announc:es  the  coming  star 
actor  who  will  show  our  benighted  citizens  how 
Shakespeare  ought  to  be  slung. 

If  a  man  doesn't  know  anything,  and  doesn't 
even  know  that  he  doesn't  know  anything,  he  is 
pretty  sure  to  take  upon  himself  the  larger  part 
of  the  conversation. 

It  requires  great  moral  strength  and  tenacity 
of  purpose  to  enable  a  man  to  sleep  till  seven  in 
the  morning  when  an  industrious  fly  has  decided 
that  he  had  better  get  up  at  half- past  four. 

Post  office  clerks  are  said  generally  to  express 
a  wish  that  persons  who  write  the  address  of 
their  letters  diagonally  may  die  agonized. 

A  tramp  called  at  a  house  on  West  Hill  the 
other  day  and  asked  for  something  to  eat.  He 
was  so  thin,  he  said,  that  when  he  had  a 
pain  he  couldn't  tell  whether  it  was  a  touch  of 
the  colic,  or  the  backache. 

A     New     Haven     man  says,     the     longest 

funeral  he  ever   heard   of  took   place  a  week 

ago.     His  hired  girl  went  off  to  it  and  hasn't 
got  back  yet. 


amcrican  lUlit  auC>  Ibumoc  loi 

An  amorous  swain  declares  that  he  is  so  fond 
of  his  girl,  that  he  has  rubbed  the  skin  from  his 
nose  kissing  her  shadow  on  the  wall. 

A  scientist  says  angle-worms  do  not  suffer 
V.  hen  put  on  the  hook.  They  wriggle  around 
out  of  pure  joy,  we  suppose,  the  same  as  a  man 
does  when  a  good-looking  woman  steps  on  his 
corns. 

A  gentleman  dining  at  a  cheap  restaurant  the 
other  day  was  heard  to  give  the  courageous 
order :  "  Waiter,  let  the  cheese  move  this  way." 

When  an  Indiana  girl  gets  tired  of  a  lover 
and  determines  to  dismiss  him,  she  doesn't 
throw  much  fresco  work  into  her  speech:  "I 
guess  you  can  pull  off  now,  Sam,"  is  her  icy  re- 
mark ;   "  this  egg  won't  hatch." 

A  countryman  in  a  short  discourse  on  love 
says  :  "  It  does  'pear  like  the  girls  go  half  way, 
but  it  'pears  like  a  team  of  oxen  couldn't  draw 
'em  t'other  half." 

A  man  will  sit  on  a  picket  fence  all  the  after- 
noon to  see  a  ball  match,  but  put  him  in  a 
church  pew  for  three-quarters  of  an  hour  and  he 
will  wabble  all  over  the  seat. 


102         Bmcrican  Mit  ant>  Ibumor 

A  Chicago  man's  nightmare  turned  out  to  be 
the  shadow  of  his  wife's  foot  on  the  bedroom 
wall,  instead  of  an  unearthly  monster  with  five 
hums. 

A  competent  authority  says  you  must  always 
lie  with  your  feet  to  the  equator.  We  have 
known  several  excellent  liars  who  have  short- 
ened their  lives  many  years  by  neglecting  to 
observe  this  rule. 

A  Boston  man  has  listened  to  fifty-one  Fourth 
of  July  orations.  He  can  still  sit  up  by  leaning 
against  something,  but  he  is  delirious  at  times. 

Salt  Lake  has  been  victimized  by  a  showman, 
Avho  announced  that  he  would  cause  a  human 
body  to  appear  and  disappear  before  the  audi- 
ence. He  appeared,  got  their  money  and  dis- 
appeared.— He  filled  the  programme. 

While  putting  on  a  clean  shirt  a  Hartwell, 
Ga.,  man  fell  over  a  trunk  and  broke  has  collar- 
bone. But  he  says,  he's  going  to  try  it  again 
when  he  gets  well. 

A  Kentucky  paper  speaks  of  a  man  who  had 
a  narrow  escape  from  a  sun  stroke,  he  having 
stood  only  two  feet  from  a  man  who  was  struck. 


Bmcvican  lUit  anO  Ibumor  i<>3 

A  Yankee  was  asked  if  he  crossed  the  Alps 
mountains.  "Wal,  now  you  call  my  attention 
to  the  fact,  I  guess  I  did  pass  over  some  risin' 
ground." 

Philip  E.  Martin,  who  recently  died  in  Sher- 
man, was  a  man  of  marked  purity  and  upright- 
ness. With  a  single  exception  of  twenty-three 
years  ago,  when  he  took  a  few  lessons  on  a 
violin,  his  life  has  been  blameless. 


Who  hath  woe — who  hath  sorrow  ?  Well, 
that  Nevada  man  who  traded  a  mule  for  a  wife 
feels  about  as  red  around  the  eye  as  any  of  'em, 

"Did  you  ever  think  of  me  while  you  were 
gone?"  tenderly  asked  a  woman  of  her  hus- 
band, who  had  just  returned  from  Florida.  He 
said  he  did — once.  It  was  when  he  saw  an 
alligator's  jaw. 

A  woman  in  Columbia,  Pa.,  dislocated  her 
jaw  while  scolding  her  husband,  and  could 
neither  speak  nor  close  her  mouth.  He  has  not 
walked  so  slowly  in  ten  years  as  he  did  while 
going  after  the  doctor. 


104  Bmerlcan  THHit  anO  Ibiimor 

Tlie  following  from  an  exchange  just  fits  the 
groove:  Don't  loaf  about  the  street  and  depend 
on  the  Lord  for  your  daily  bread.  He  isn't 
running  a  bakery. 

We  have  been  often  told  that  there  was  a 
future  in  store  for  us,  but  we  have  never  found 
the  store  where  it  was  kept.  It  must  be  one  of 
those  establishments  that  do  not  advertise. 

The  editor  of  the  Duluth  Herald  publishes  a 
proclamation  saying,  "  We  shall  jerk  a  living 
out  of  this  city  during  the  coming  winter,  or  we 
are  much  mistaken." 

"Do  you  love  me  still?"  Mrs.  Harkins 
asked,  as  her  husband  was  trying  to  write  an 
important  letter.  "Yes,  I  do,"  said  Harkins; 
and  it  was  the  emphasis  that  broke  her  heart. 

A  man  was  boasting  that  he  had  been  married 
twenty  years  and  have  never  given  his  wife  a 
cross  word.  Those  who  know  him  say  he  didn't 
dare  to. 

A  Danbury  man,  who  was  trying  to  shelter 
himself  in  a  doorway  from  the  rain  on  Sunday, 
had  the  mournful  pleasure  of  seeing  five  of  his 
umbrellas  go  by. 


american  IWllt  auD  Ibunioc  lor, 

"Lemme  die  now,"  gasped  an  Ohio  farmer, 
"  I've  lived  to  see  a  woman  git  thirty-one  yards 
of  cloth  into  one  dress,  and  I'm  ready  to  pull  up 
stakes  now." 

The  census  shows  that  the  number  of  persons 
in  a  family  in  the  United  States  is  a  small 
fraction  over  five.  In  some  families  we  know, 
the  husband  is  the  small  fraction  over. 

Mr.  Edgar  Bascom  was  taken  to  the  insane 
asylum  at  Hartford  this  morning — ^just  three 
months  from  the  day  his  son  Joseph  purchased  a 
fiddle. 

Six  days  of  the  week  he's  invisible,  and  on  the 
seventh  he's  incomprehensible,  was  the  account 
which  a  dissatisfied  old  lady  gave  of  her  pastor 
and  his  ministrations. 

A  man  from  Placerville,  Cal.,  when  asked  by 
a  Saratoga  waiter  what  he  would  have  for  break- 
fast, replied  :  "  Well,  I  rather  guess  I'll  just  flop 
my  lip  over  a  chicken." 

They  tried  to  scare  a  man  in  Missouri  by 
threatening  to  tar  and  feather  him ;  but  he  re- 
plied :  "  Come  on  with  your  old  tar ;  I've  been 
there  six  times  and  I've  got  a  receipt  for  wash- 
ing it  ofl"." 


106  Bmcrican  llUit  an£)  Ibumor 

A  citizen  of  Detroit,  who  has  been  exploring 
in  the  northern  part  of  the  State,  says  he  never 
realized  how  wicked  he  was  until  he  was  chased 
three  miles  by  a  bear. 

Said  a  Detroit  lady  to  a  gentleman  of  that 
city:  "You  are  not  a  musician,  I  believe?" 
"  No,"  said  he.  "  If  I  were  the  proprietor  of  a 
hand  organ,  set  expressly  to  play  Old  Hundred, 
1  couldn't  get  seventy-five  out  of  it." 

If  you  want  to  find  out  a  man's  real  dispo- 
sition, take  him  when  he  is  wet  and  hungry. 
If  he  is  amiable  then,  dry  him  and  fill  him  up, 
and  you  have  got  an  angel. 

An  Albany  man  who  was  demonstrating  to  a 
crowd  that  there  was  no  such  thing  as  hydro- 
phobia was  the  first  to  shin  up  a  barber's  pole 
when  a  small  yellow  dog  came  rushing  up  the 
street. 

A  lodging-house  fiend  tells  the  story  that,  in 
a  thunderstorm,  the  warring  of  the  elements 
was  so  awe-inspiring  that  the  hair  in  a  dish  of 
butter  in  the  pantry  turned  completely  white 
during  the  night. 


Bmerican  "Wflit  anD  Ibinnoc  107 

An  exchange  says  that  a  Michigan  nian 
dreamed  recently  that  his  aunt  was  dead.  The 
dream  proved  true.  He  tried  the  same  dream 
on  his  mother-in-law,  but  it  didn't  work. 

A  man  whose  eyesight  was  not  good  was  rec- 
ommended to  try  glasses.  He  says  he  went 
and  took  four  at  the  nearest  drinking  saloon, 
and  the  result  was  that  his  sight  was  so  much 
improved  that  he  could  see  double. 

Science  says  that  it  took  millions  of  years  to 
evolve  man  from  the  clam ;  observation  shows 
that  it  takes  less  than  a  minute  to  transfer  the 
clam  into  a  man. 

A  candidate  for  a  situation  as  school-teacher 
in  Florida,  being  asked  the  shape  of  the  earth, 
replied:  "Well,  some  folks  likes  it  round  and 
some  likes  it  flat,  and  I've  jinnerly  teached  it 
both  ways." 

A  Lowell  firm  recendy  sent  a  lot  of  bills  west 
for  collection.  The  list  came  back  with  the  re- 
sult noted  against  each  name,  one  being  marked 
"  dead."  Three  months  after  the  same  bill  got 
into  a  new  lot  that  was  forwarded,  and  when 
the  list  came  back  the  name  was  marked  "still 
dead." 


108  Bmerican  TlUllt  anC»  Miimor 

The  Utica  Herald  says  it  is  some  consolation 
to  see  a  bald-headed  insurance  man.  You 
don't  know  that  justice  has  been  dealt  out  to 
him,  but  you  think  perhaps  it  has. 

"  You  have  a  pleasant  home  and  a  bright 
fireside,  with  happy  children  sitting  around  it, 
haven't  you?"  said  the  .judge.  "Yes,  sir," 
said  Mr.  Thompson,  who  thought  he  saw  a  way 
out  of  the  difficulty.  "Well,"  said  the  judge, 
"  if  the  happy  children  sit  around  the  cheerful 
fireside  until  you  return,  they  will  stay  there 
just  forty-three  days,  as  1  shall  have  to  send  you 
up  for  that  time." 

A  Chicago  woman  dipped  her  feet  in  the 
Mississippi  river  at  St.  Louis,  the  other  day  and 
the  effect  was  noticed  as  far  as  Memphis,  where 
the  water  rose  several  inches. 

"  I  don't  blame  Paul,"  she  said.  "  If  I  was 
a  man,  I'd  want  women  to  be  meek  and  quiet 
and  let  me  have  my  own  way ;  and  if  I  was  a 
'postle  I'd  tell  'em  they'd  be  everlastingly  lost 
if  they  didn't.  But,  sir,  women  see  things 
different;  and  I  sha'n't  support  Jim  Parker  or 
any  other  lazy  man,  and  be  meek  and  obedient, 
Paul  or  no  Paul." 


american  llllit  auD  Ibumor  109 

Professor,  "In  one  evening  I  counted  twenty- 
seven  meteors  sitting  on  my  piazza."  Class  ex- 
press great  astonishment  at  the  sociable  character 
of  the  heavenly  bodies. 

How  is  this?  Professor  J.  S.  Newberry 
charges  a  dollar  admission  to  a  lecture  in  which 
he  says  he  don't  know  where  men  came  from. 
Colonel  Ingersoll,  on  the  other  hand,  charges 
seventy-five  cents  admission  to  a  lecture  in 
which  he  tells  us  he  don't  know  where  we  are 
going  to.  ^Vill  some  savant  have  the  kindness 
to  tell  us  where  we  are  ? 

A  Colorado  woman  has  learned  to  use  the 
lasso  so  deftly  that  she  can  stand  in  the  door  and 
haul  the  hat  off  the  lightning-rod  peddler  while 
he  is  unfastening  the  gate. 

Mary  Hogan  was  a  Shakeress  ;  but  she  didn't 
like  the  ways  of  those  too  retiring  people,  so 
she  eloped  with  and  married  Brother  Jackson. 
When  interviewed  by  some  of  the  scandalized 
brethren,  Mary  is  reported  to  have  said  :  "  You 
can  make  your  apple  sass  and  warrant  it  to 
keep;  but  gals  ain't  apples,  and  you  can't  bile 
'em  down  so  they  won't  sour  on  your  old  rules 
about  marrying." 


110  Bmcrican  Wit  auD  Ibiimor 

Rector,  "Those  pigs  of  yours  are  in  fine 
condition,  Jarvis."  Jarvis,  "  Yes,  sur  they  be. 
Ah,  sur,  if  we  was  all  on  us  on'y  as  fit  to  die  as 
them  are,  we'd  do  !  " 

A  woman  out  on  North  hill,  being  counted 
out  the  other  morning,  after  a  debate  on  the 
question,  "  Who  shall  rise  and  build  the  fire  ?  " 
got  up  and  split  her  husband's  wooden  leg  into 
kindling  wood,  and  broiled  his  steak  with  it.  It 
made  him  so  mad  that  he  got  hold  of  her  false 
teeth  and  bit  the  dog  with  them.  She  cried 
until  she  had  a  fit  of  hysterics,  and  then  fiUipped 
out  his  glass  eye,  and  climbed  upon  the  bed  post 
and  waxed  the  glaring  eye  to  the  ceihng  with  a 
quid  of  chewing  gum.  Then  he  took  her  wisp 
of  false  hair  and  tied  it  to  a  stick,  and  began 
whitewashing  the  kitchen  with  it.  Then  she 
started  off  to  obtain  a  divorce,  but  Judge  New- 
man decided  that  he  could  not  grant  a  divorce 
unless  there  were  two  parties  to  the  suit,  and 
there  was  hardly  enough  of  them  to  make  one. 

An  exchange  says  fashionable  people  are  call- 
ing upon  somebody  to  invent  a  new  dance.  Sup- 
pose somebody  invents  one  wherein  the  young 
lady  dances  around  the  house  and  looks  after 
things. 


Bmerican  TiXilit  anD  Ibumor  ill 

Just  as  an  auctioneer  was  saying  "Gone?" 
his  audience  went  through  the  floor  into  the 
cellar,  but  happily  without  hurting  any  of  them. 
The  auctioneer,  as  soon  as  he  found  his  legs, 
remarked  that  the  accident  would  enable  him  to 
sell  lower  than  before,  and  called  for  a  bid,  and 
tliey  bid  him  "Good-night." 

The  Cleveland  police  picked  up  a  man  a  day 
or  two  ago  in  the  streets  who  appeared  to  be 
laboring  under  great  mental  disease,  but  on  ap- 
plying soothing  remedies  he  came  to  himseif 
and  explained  matters.  The  Leih^er  says,  "  that 
when  he  left  his  happy  home  in  the  morning  his 
wife  kissed  him  good-bye,  as  is  her  custom  when 
she  wants  any  errand  performed,  and  then  asked 
him  to  go  to  the  dressmaker  and  tell  her  that  she 
(the  wife)  had  changed  her  mind,  and  would 
have  the  watered  silk  made  up  instead  of  the 
poplin,  and  be  sure  to  tell  her,  said  the  wife, 
that  if  she  thinks  it  would  look  better  with  ten 
bias  flounces  without  puffing,  and  box-plaited 
below  the  equator,  which  should  be  gathered  in 
hem-stitched  gudgeons  up  and  down  the  seams 
with  gusset  stitch  between,  she  can  make  it  up 
in  tliat  way,  instead  of  fluting  the  bobinette  in- 
sertion, and  piecing  out  with  point  applique,  as 
I  suggested  yesterday." 


112  Bmcrlcan  *CUit  an&  Ibumor 

A  fond  husband  boasted  to  a  friend  :  "  Tom, 
the  old  woman  came  near  caUing  me  honey  last 
night."  "Did  she,  Bill;  what  did  she  say?" 
"She  said,  'Well,  old  Beeswax,  come  to  sup- 
per.'" 

Jones  says  the  white  flannel  suit  he  bought  a 
year  ago  has  proven  a  very  economical  invest- 
ment, and  has  been  of  much  use  in  his  family. 
Jones  weighs  two  hundred  and  fifty  pounds,  and 
when  he  bought  the  suit  it  fitted  him  remarkably 
well.  After  the  first  washing  his  eldest  son,  who 
weighs  one  hundred  pounds  less  than  Jones 
senior,  found  the  suit  an  excellent  fit.  Two 
washings  more  made  the  garment  delightful  for 
a  youth  of  nine,  and  at  the  end  of  the  season  the 
baby  was  adorned  with  the  habiliments  which 
shrunk  just  enough  to  make  them  fit  for  a  child 
out  of  creeping  clothes.  This  year  Jones'  wife 
uses  them  as  a  dish  cloth.  Where  all  the  flannel 
has  shrunk  to  Jones  doesn't  see,  and  says  he 
would  willingly  take  his  whole  family  and  his 
mother-in-law  to  a  lecture  which  would  explain 
it,  and  pay  double  price. 

The  Boston  Post,  in  noting  the  fact  that  a 
fellow  who  committed  suicide  in  the  New  York 
Tombs  could  speak  six  dead  languages,  says, 
' '  He  ought  to  make  a  sociable  corpse. ' ' 


Bmerican  Timit  an&  Ibumor  ii3 

An  Iowa  journal  speaks  of  a  man  havini,^ 
been  lynched  for  burning  the  barn  and  contents 
of  his  son-in-law.  Any  man  who  will  burn  the 
contents  of  his  son-in-law  ought  to  be  lynched. 

This  may  seem  a  work  of  supererogation,  he  re- 
marked, as  he  went  down  to  the  front  gaLe,  and 
commenced  operations  on  the  hinges  with  a 
feather  and  a  bottle  of  oil.  But  the  critical 
period  is  approaching  when  a  young  man  has  to 
be  handled  very  delicately,  and  just  the  least 
little  bit  of  a  set  back  may  throw  things.  The 
smallest  creak  might  be  disastrous ;  and  this 
gate's  got  to  stand  for  two  more  besides  Imogene. 

Photographer,  "Madam,  why  do  you  persist 
in  moving  so  near  the  camera?"  Old  Lady, 
"You  see,  I'm  a  little  near-sighted,  and  I'm 
afeared  I  won't  take  a  good  picter  so  far  off. ' ' 

A  correspondent  asks :  "  What  is  the  best 
method  of  feeding  cattle  in  winter?"  We 
don't  exactly  know.  One  man  might  prefer  to 
take  the  ox  in  his  lap  and  feed  him  with  a 
spoon.  Others  would  bring  him  into  the  din- 
ing room  and  let  him  sit  at  the  table  with  the 
old  folks.     Tastes  differ  in  matters  of  this  kind. 


114  Hmcrican  liUit  anC>  Ibumot 

The  Oil  City  Derrick  suggests :  "When  you 
see  a  bee  backing  up  toward  you,  spreading  his 
coat-tail  as  he  comes,  and  there  is  no  other  ave- 
nue of  escape,  cut  your  throat  from  ear  to  ear. 

A  man  took  a  seat  on  the  head  of  an  empty 
flour  barrel  and  remarked  :  "I  got  down  the 
gun  and  loaded  her  up    heavy,   and  just  as  I 

was "     At  this  point  the  head  fell  in  and 

the  man,  or  about  half  of  him,  disappeared, 
while  his  legs  loomed  up  like  a  schooner's  masts. 
He  was  helped  out,  and  a  boy  hired  to  rub 
sweet  oil  on  his  back,  but  in  spite  of  the  earnest 
entreaties  of  the  crowd  he  would  not  go  on  with 
the  story. 

The  humblest  can  do  something  toward  mak- 
ing the  local  paper  interesting.  If  you  can't  be 
a  defaulting  bank  clerk  you  can  at  least  step  on 
an  orange  peel  and  sprain  your  ear. 

A  new  biographer  of  Artemus  Ward  says  the 
genial  humorist  usually  wrote  with  one  leg  over 
the  arm  of  his  chair.  We  had  always  supposed 
he  wrote  with  a  pen  or  a  pencil ;  but  to  write 
with  one  leg  over  the  arm  of  a  chair  is  not  so 
difficult  as  to  write  with  one  arm  over  the  leg 
of  a  chair. 


Bmerican  lUtt  anD  Ibumor  iio 

Every  once  in  a  while  some  scientist  rises  and 
says  the  moon  is  dead.  This  scientific  fact  is 
what  makes  young  lovers  linger  at  the  gate  and 
look  up  at  the  corpse. 

When  a  Boston  girl  "  sets  "  at  her  husband,  she 
says,  "  Base  tyrant,  I  shall  leave  thee,  and  f — ly 
to  my  parental  home  !  "  When  a  Chicago  girl 
becomes  similarly  affected,  she  simply  remarks, 
"  Old  man,  I'm  going  to  get  away  ;  and  if  you 
don't  like  it,  just  climb  up  on  your  eyebrows  and 
see  if  you  can  stop  me  !  " 

A  San  Juan  miner,  who  had  been  prospecting 
in  southwestern  Colorado  has  found  a  whole 
forest  of  petrified  trees  with  petrified  birds  sit- 
ting on  the  limbs  singing  petrified  songs. 

A  philosophical  Kentuckian  who  had  but  one 
shirt,  and  was  lying  in  bed  while  the  garment 
was  drying  on  the  clothesline  in  the  yard,  was 
startled  by  an  exclamation  from  his  wife  to  the 
effect  that  the  calf  had  eaten  it.  "  Well,"  said 
the  Kentuckian,  with  a  spirit  worthy  of  a  better 
cause,  "well,  them  who  has  must  lose." 

A  Quaker's  advice  to  his  son  on  his  wedding 
day:  "  When  thee  went  a  courting  I  told  thee 
to  keep  thy  eyes  open  ;  now  that  thou  art  mar- 
ried, I  tell  thee  to  keep  them  half  shut." 


iifi  Bmertcan  Timtt  anJ)  Ibumor 

"What  is  the  difference,"  asked  the  teacher 
in  arithmetic,  "between  one  yard  and  two 
\ar(is?"  "A  fence!"  said  Tommy  Beales. 
Then  Tommy  sat  on  the  ruler  fourteen  times. 

Everybody  thought  it  was  a  match  and  so  did 
he,  and  so  did  she  ;  but  last  evening,  at  a  croquet 
party,  she  hit  her  pet  corn  a  whack  with  the 
mallet  that  sounded  like  a  torpedo  and  he 
laughed.  "We  meet  as  strangers,"  she  wrote 
on  her  cuff  and  showed  it  to  him.  "  Think  of 
me  no  more,"  he  whispered  huskily. 

A  Folsom,  Cal.,  hog  drank  so  much  sour 
lager,  thrown  out  of  a  brewery  the  other  day, 
that  it  became  thoroughly  drunk,  and  behaved 
in  a  most  discreditable  manner  for  a  hog. 

People  are  imnecessarily  troubleci  about  the 
ice  crop.  A  man  on  Friday  saw  a  bit  of  ice  on 
the  flagging  and  at  once  sat  down  on  it  so  hard 
as  to  settle  it  into  the  stone  nearly  an  inch.  He 
says  he  wanted  to  make  sure  of  knowing  where 
to  find  it  next  summer. 

"Yes,"  said  she,  "a  dish  of  ice  cream  re- 
laxes the  muscles  of  my  heart,  but  two  dishes — 
oh,  two  dishes  1  makes  me  feel  as  though  I  could 
love  on  and  on,  forever." 


Bmedcan  "Wflit  anJ)  Ibumor  in 

Don't  neglect  your  [jenmanship.  A  man  in 
New  York  got  ^64,009  from  a  banker  for  being 
a  good  writer.  It  is  not  yet  known  how  many 
years  he  will  get. 

A  Kansas  farmer  purchased  a  revolver  for  his 
wife,  and  insisted  on  target  practice,  so  that  she 
could  defend  her  house  in  case  of  his  absence. 
After  the  bullet  had  been  dug  out  of  his  leg  and 
the  cow  buried,  he  said  he  guessed  that  she'd 
better  shoot  with  an  axe. 

All  hairpins  look  alike  to  men,  but  let  a  wife 
go  off  on  a  visit  and  come  home  and  find  a  hair- 
pin near  the  gate,  and  she  can't  wait  a  minute 
to  grow  red  in  the  face. 

An  inebriate  stranger  precipitated  himself 
downstairs,  and  on  striking  the  landing  re- 
proachfully apostrophized  himself  with:  "If 
you'd  been  a-wanting  to  come  downstairs,  why 
in  thunder  didn't  you  say  so,  you  wooden- 
headed  old  fool,  an'  I'd  a  come  with  you,  an' 
showed  you  the  way  ?  " 

A  western  poet  who  had  expressed  a  wish  to 
die  amid  the  grand  solitude  of  the  eternal 
mountain -tops,  was  killed  by  the  explosion  of  a 
pint  of  cheap  kerosene. 


118  Bmedcan  mit  anO  Ibumor 

A  farmer  gives  this  bit  of  advice,  which  con- 
tains a  good  liint  :  "  If  you  want  the  boys  to 
stay  on  tlie  farm,  do  not  bear  on  too  hard  when 
the  boy  is  turning  the  grindstone." 

A  kind-hearted  clergyman  asked  a  convict 
how  he  came  to  be  m  jail.  The  fellow  said, 
with  tears  in  his  eyes,  that  he  was  coming  home 
from  prayer-meeting,  and  sat  down  to  rest,  fell 
asleep,  and  while  he  was  asleep  there  the  county 
built  a  jail  around  him,  and  when  he  awoke  the 
jailer  wouldn't  let  him  out. 

A  man  in  Sacramento  read  on  a  sign,  "  Oysters 
in  every  style  for  twenty-five  cents,"  so  he  went 
in  and  had  a  raw,  fry,  stew,  pan  roast  and  fancy 
roast,  and  when  he  got  through  he  put  down  a 
quarter,  saying  to  the  astonished  caterer, 
"  That's  what  your  sign  says." 

Some  wicked  fellow  got  into  a  Vermont 
church  vestry  just  after  the  deacons  and  the 
clergymen  had  held  a  meeting  there.  And  he 
left  four  beer  bottles  and  a  whiskey  flask,  all 
empty,  and  two  packs  of  cards  under  the  table. 
And  when  the  sewing  society  came  an  hour  later 
and  discovered  the  articles,  didn't  things  just 
hum  ? 


lamerican  Mtt  anD  Ibumor  no 

An  Indiana  man  bet  ten  dollars  that  he  could 
ride  a  fly-wheel  in  a  saw  mill,  and  as  his  widow 
paid  the  bet,  she  remarked:  "William  was  a 
kind  husband,  but  he  didn't  know  much  about 
fly-wheels." 

An  excellent  man,  uptown,  who  rebuked  a 
youthful  friend  for  devoting  too  much  of  his  life 
to  horses,  was  so  overcome  when  the  other  re- 
plied that  life  was  but  a  span,  that  he  was 
obliged  to  go  home  and  lie  down  and  take  a 
little  rhubarb  out  of  a  decanter. 

A  woman  is  imbued  with  a  feeling  of  joy  and 
kindness  second  only  to  that  of  the  angels,  but 
she  can  never  wash  out  a  pair  of  men's  cassi- 
mere  pants  and  have  them  set  as  well  as  they 
did  before — nor  behind  either. 

The  religious  papers  are  discussing  the  mo- 
notonous question.  Ought  clergymen  to  wear 
moustaches?  We  think,  as  cold  weather  comes 
on,  they  should,  and  on  days  of  extreme 
severity  they  might  add  a  pair  of  trousers  and  a 
thick  vest. 

About  the  first  bit  of  Scripture  a  boy  gets 
knocked  into  him  is  when  he  is  barefooted  and 
steps  on  a  bee.  Then  he  realizes  that  there  is  a 
time  to  dance. 


120  Bmeuican  iMit  anD  Ibumor 

Smith  (after  telling  a  whopi)er)  :  "1  assure 
you,  Jones,  if  I  hadn't  seen  it  myself  I  wouldn't 
have  believed  it."  Jones,  "Ha — h'm — well, 
you  know,  I  didn't  see  it." 

An  old  farmer  said  to  his  sons  :  "Boys  don't 
you  ever  wait  for  summit  to  turn  up.  You 
might  just  as  well  go  an'  sit  down  on  a  stone  in 
the  middle  of  a  medder,  with  a  pail  atwixt  your 
legs,  an'  wait  for  a  cow  to  back  up  to  you  to  be 
milked." 

Some  schoolgirls  in  Pennsylvania  were  at- 
tacked by  rattlesnakes  and  frightened  them  away 
by  flaunting  their  red  petticoats.  "  Dear,  dear  ! 
why  didn't  Eve  think  of  that  ?  " 

A  spread-eagle  orator  of  New  York  wanted 
the  wings  of  a  bird  to  fly  to  every  village  and 
hamlet  in  the  broad  land  ;  but  he  wilted  when  a 
naughty  boy  in  the  crowd  sang  out,  "  You'd  be 
shot  for  a  goose  before  you  had  flew  a  mile." 

Men  differ.  For  instance,  there  is  the  same 
difference  between  Jay  Gould  and  some  other 
men  we  know  of  that  there  is  between  ^15,000,- 
000  and  fifteen  cents.  One  of  whom  we  are 
which. 


Hmcrlcan  Mit  anO  fjumor  121 

A  country  doctor  has  had  his  portrait  painted, 
and  a  local  art-critic  declares  that  you  can  feel 
saws  and  things  rasping  over  your  bones,  and 
taste  calomel,  blue-pill,  and  quinine,  as  you 
look  at  it. 

A  barber  in  Titusville,  while  cutting  the  hair 
of  a  rural  customer,  ran  his  shears  against  some 
hard  substance,  which  proved  to  be  a  whetstone. 
The  old  farmer  said  he  had  missed  that  whet- 
stone ever  since  haying  time  last  July,  and  had 
looked  all  over  a  ten  acre  lot  for  it,  but  now  re- 
membered sticking  it  up  over  liis  ear. 

An  exchange  puts  a  solemn  truth  in  a  novel 
and  pungent  way  when  it  says  that  "some  men 
wear  their  best  pants  out  in  the  knees  in  winter 
getting  religious,  and  the  seats  of  their  trousers 
out  in  summer  backslidins." 


The  real  good,  rich-toned  pianos  are  scarcely 
ever  heard ;  but  the  moment  that  a  family  be- 
comes the  possessor  of  a  slam-whanger  that 
sounds  like  a  combination  of  a  pair  of  cymbals 
and  a  crowbar  falling  on  a  brick  pavement, 
every  member  of  that  family  wastes  its  super- 
fluous muscle  on  the  key-board. 


122  Hmetican  Mit  anD  Bumor 

A  Roman  wIkj  recently  returned  from  Phila- 
delphia, informs  us  that  a  Keely  motor  consists 
of  a  pound  of  boarding-house  butter  shut  up  in 
an  iron  box.  'Ihis  statement  will  do  much  to 
restore  coniidence  in  the  power  of  the  motor. 

A  New  York  farmer  laughed  when  his  prudent 
wife  advised  him  not  to  smoke  on  a  load  of  hay. 
He  footed  it  home  that  night,  with  his  hair 
singed,  most  of  his  garments  a  prey  to  the  de- 
vouring elements,  and  the  iron-work  of  the 
wagon  in  a  potato  sack;  and  then  his  wife 
laughed. 

A  party  of  young  girls  were  driving  away  on 
an  expedition  for  trailing  arbutus,  when  the  lady 
of  the  house  shouted  to  her  daughter  in  the 
party,  "  If  you  see  any  boss  redish  on  the 
way,  Mirandy,  don't  you  forget  to  git  it." 

A  woman  bought  eleven  yards  of  cloth  and 
paid  for  it  with  butter,  giving  three  pounds  of 
butter  for  a  yard.  There  was  a  stone  weighing 
five  pounds  in  the  center  of  the  crock,  and  the 
dealer  cheated  her  a  yard  and  a  half  in  measur- 
ing the  cloth.  Who  was  ahead  on  that  trade 
and  how  much  ? 


american  Tiait  anO  Ibumor  123 

An  exchange  says  the  Sandwich  Islanders  be- 
lieve that  Beelzebub  walks  the  earth  in  the  form 
of  a  woman.  And  now  and  then  you  will  fnid 
a  man  in  this  country  who  believes  so  too,  and 
that  he  has  married  the  woman. 

A  man  in  Covington,  Ky.,  made  a  bet  the 
other  day  that  he  could  drink,  a  pint  and  a  half 
of  Cincinnati  whiskey  in  twelve  hours.  He 
won  the  bet  and  his  widow  remarked  at  the 
funeral  next  day  that  it  was  the  first  money  he 
had  earned  by  hard  labor  in  ten  years. 

We  like  to  see  a  man  reasonably  quiet  and 
peaceable,  but  when  he  stands  in  one  place  long 
enough  for  the  wasps  to  build  a  nest  in  the  seat 
of  his  pants,  he  ought  to  be  kicked  into  some 
sort  of  resistance. 

A  Vv'estern  man  set  fire  to  the  prairie  for  fun, 
but  after  he  had  run  seven  miles  and  climbed  a 
tree,  with  his  pants  about  all  burned  off,  he  con- 
cluded the  sport  was  a  little  too  violent  exercise 
to  be  indulged  in  oftener  than  once  in  a  life- 
time. 

"  No,"  said  the  prominent  member  of  a  Ver- 
mont parish,  "  Jackson  will  never  do  for  deacon. 
He  hain't  got  the  qualifications.  Why,  durnit, 
I've  cheated  him  on  a  horse-trade  myself." 


124  Bmcrican  WLit  anO  Ibumor 

An  eccentric  old  fellow,  who  lives  alongside 
of  a  graveyard,  was  asked  it"  it  was  not  an  un- 
pleasant location.  "No,"  said  he,  "1  never 
jined  places  in  all  my  lite  with  a  set  of  neigh- 
bors that  minded  their  business  so  stiddy  as  they 
do." 

An  idle  fellow  thrust  his  fingers  into  a  horse's 
mouth  to  see  how  many  teeth  the  horse  had,  the 
horse  shut  his  teeth  to  see  how  many  fingers  the 
man  had,  and  although  the  horse  and  man  ex- 
hibited equally  poor  taste  yet  it  is  hoped  that 
the  inspection  was  satisfactory  to  both. 

A  couple  of  neighbors  became  so  inimical  that 
they  would  not  speak  to  each  other ;  but  one  of 
them  having  been  converted  at  a  camp  meeting, 
on  seeing  his  former  enemy,  held  out  his  hand, 
saying  :  "  How  d'ye  do,  Kemp?  I  am  humble 
enough  to  shake  hands  with  a  dog." 

A  lamented  citizen  in  Montana,  whose  passion 
for  horses  led  him  out  to  the  end  of  a  convenient 
bough,  and  whose  ultimate  views  of  life  were 
taken  through  a  slip-noose,  declared  it  to  be  his 
conviction  (which  was  unanimous)  that  this 
world  is  all  a  hemp-tie  show. 


Bmerlcan  "Wait  anO  Ibumor  125 

Two  men  escaped  from  the  Pittshnrg  jail  the 
other  night,  after  digging  six  months  to  make  a 
tunnel  one  hundred  feet  long.  They  left  a  note 
telling  the  sheriff  they  would  meet  hiin  in 
heaven. 


A  Waterbury  woman  who  weighed  something 
over  three  hundred  pounds  got  some  anti-fat 
and  took  double  doses  of  it,  until  the  first  thing 
she  knew  her  skin  was  so  loose  that  her  nose 
hung  off  the  end  of  her  chin  and  her  eyes  were 
at  each  corner  of  her  mouth. 


A  blind  beggar  at  East  Saginaw,  Mich.,  had 
his  eyesight  restored  rather  suddenly  by  being 
pitched  into  a  mud-puddle,  and  it  had  none  of 
the  properties  of  the  Pool  of  Siloam,  either. 
He  showed  his  ingratitude  by  chasing  the  man 
who  did  it. 


A  man  from  Honey  Lake  saw  a  railroad  train 
for  the  first  time  in  his  life,  the  oiher  day,  at 
Reno.  In  speaking  of  the  wonder  to  a  friend, 
he  said  :  "  The  forward  thing  gin  a  couple  of 
coughs,  and  then  the  whole  string  of  'em  got  up 
and  started  right  off." 


126  Bmerlcan  THIlit  an&  Mumor 

A  fop  while  being  measured  for  a  pair  of 
boots,  observed,  "make  them  cover  the  calf." 
"  Heavens  !  "  exclaimed  the  astounded  artist, 
surveying  his  customer  from  head  to  foot,  "I 
have  not  leather  enough." 

"Does  it  pay  to  steal?"  asks  the  Philadel- 
phia Times.  It  does,  esteemed  contemporary, 
it  does.  It  doesn't  pay  the  thief,  but  just  think 
of  the  large  number  of  criminal  lawyers  to  whom 
it  furnishes  a  fat  living. 

A  clairvoyant  trio,  two  women  and  a  man, 
have  been  traveling  in  the  south,  pretending  to 
cure  epizootic  by  the  laying  on  of  hands.  They 
practiced  on  a  mule  in  Kentucky  the  other  day, 
and  the  firm  has  since  dissolved. 

A  druggist  of  Bellows  Falls,  has  been  sent  to 
prison  for  sixty  days,  "for  selling  liquor  as  a 
beverage."  Wonder  what  they  would  have 
done  .with  him  if  he  had  sold  it  as  a  liver  pad  or 
as  wash  for  removing  freckles. 

A  New  Jersey  farmer  set  an  old  straw  stack  on 
file  to  scare  out  a  fox,  and  three  tramps  crawled 
out  of  the  smoke  and  upbraided  him  with  his 
carelessness  in  not  first  jabbing  around  with  a 
pitchfork  to  see  if  any  one  was  there. 


Bmerfcan  lUlit  an&  Ibumoc  127 

"Well,  I  swan,  Billy,"  said  an  old  farmer  to 
an  undersized  nephew  who  was  visiting  him, 
"  when  you  take  off  that  'ere  plug  hat  and  spit 
two  or  three  times  there  ain't  much  left  of  you, 
is  ther?" 

A  good  brother  in  a  church  of  Miami  County, 
O.,  while  giving  in  his  experience  not  long  ago 
said:  '*My  brethren,  I've  been  tryin'  this  nigh 
on  to  forty  years  to  serve  the  Lord  and  get  rich 
both  at  once,  and  I  tell  yer  it's  mighty  hard 
sleddin'." 

A  girl  who  formerly  lived  in  St.  Louis,  writes 

from  Colorado  to  an  old  friend  :    "This  is  the 

\ 
handsomest  200  acres  I  ever  put  my  foot  down 

on."     Her  father  ought  to  get  100  acres  more 

and  have  a  lawn  around  her  foot. 

The  Waterbury  American  says  a  parent  in 
that  city  thinks  he  will  have  his  newborn 
daughter  christened  Glycerine.  He  says  it  will 
be  easy  to  prefix  Nitro  to  it  when  she  grows  up, 
if  she  takes  after  her  mother. 


i 


CHAPTER  V 

Co7iu7idntins 

"  A  man  that  would  make  so  vile  a  pun  would  not 
scruple  to  pick  a  pocket." 

Hobson's  choice — Mrs.  H. 

Why  is  coal  the  most  contradictory  article 
known  to  commerce  ?  Because,  when  purchased 
it  goes  to  the  cellar. 

The  first  game  of  life — Bawl. 

Why  should  the  last  boy  born  to  a  family  be 
named  Doxology  ?  Because  he's  the  last  of  the 
hims. 

What  is  slosh  ? — It's  snow  matter. 

Speaking  of  becoming  attire,  what  thing  is 
most  likely  to  become  a  woman  ?  Why,  a  little 
girl,  of  course. 

The  most  useful  thing  in  the  long  fun — 
Breath. 

128 


amectcan  Wit  an?  Ibumor  129 

The  best  life  policy — Keep  out  of  debt. 

What  is  the  difference  between  a  cloud  and  a 
beaten  child  ?  One  pours  with  rain  and  the 
other  roars  with  pain. 

The  man  who  works  with  a  will — The  probate 
judge. 

What  is  the  difference  between  seventeen  and 
seventy  ?  One  is  careless  and  happy,  the  other 
hairless  and  cappy. 

A  tea  never  indulged  in  by  the  gossips — 
Charity. 

"Why  is  a  young  man  like  a  kernel  of 
corn?"  asked  a  young  lady.  "Because," 
answered  another,  "  he  turns  white  when  he 
pops." 

What  nation  produces  the  most  marriages? 
Fasci-nation. 

To  make  a  little  boy's  trousers  last.  When 
you  make  a  suit  of  clothes  for  him,  finish  the 
coat  first,  and  by  so  doing  you  make  the 
trousers  last.  It  is  the  only  way  the  thing  can 
be  done. 


130  Hmcrlcan  xaillt  anO  tjumor 

Epitaph  for  a  gambler — Waiting  for  the  last 
trump. 

What  is  the  difference  between  a  Jew  and  a 
lawyer  ?  The  one  gets  his  law  from  the  prophets, 
the  other  his  profits  from  the  law. 

The  paper  having  the  largest  circulation — The 
paper  of  tobacco. 

Why  do  so  many  men  make  a  practice  of  eat- 
ing cloves  between  the  acts  of  the  opera  ?  So 
that  no  breath  of  suspicion  may  be  cast  upon 
their  conduct. 

What  is  the  form  of  an  escaped  parrot  ?  A 
polly-gone. 

If  a  young  lady  wishes  a  young  gentleman  to 
kiss  her,  what  papers  would  she  mention  ?  No 
Spectator,  no  Observer,  but  as  many  Times  as 
you  please. 

What  the  girls  say — A  thing  of  beauty  is  a 
boy  forever. 

A  young  lady  sends  in  this  :  How  to  pre- 
vent chappy  cheeks  ?  Have  nothing  to  do  with 
cheeky  chaps. 


american  lUllt  anD  Ibumor  i3l 

Who  is  tlie  greatest  liar  ?  He  who  speaks 
most  of  himself. 

Why  is  a  man  who  lets  houses  likely  to 
have  a  good  many  cousins?  Because  he  has 
ten  ants. 

What  holds  all  the  snuff  in  the  world  ?  No 
one  nose. 

Are  your  words  of  more  weight  when  you 
pro-pound  anything  than  when  you  ann- 
ounce it  ? 

Why  is  a  lame  dog  like  an  inclined  plane  ? 
Because  he's  a  slo-pup. 

To  what  port  is  a  man  sailing  when  he  is  like 
an  importunate  lover?  When  he  is  bound  to 
Havre. 

What  is  that  a  poor  man  has  and  a  rich  man 
wants?     Nothing. 

One  of  the  best  puns  ever  made  by  the  late 
Phoebe  Gary  was  this  :  Why  was  Robinson 
Crusoe's  man  Friday  like  a  rooster?  Because 
he  scratched  for  himself  and  Crusoe. 


132  Bmerican  mit  anD  Ibuinor 

''^The  vegetable  that   young  ladies  love  is  to- 
il late-oh. 

Why  are  washermen  the  silliest  of  people? 
Because  they  put  out  their  tubs  to  catch  soft 
water  when  it  rains  hard. 

AVhere  may  everlasting  spring  be  found  ?  In 
an  India  rubber  factory. 

Why  is  a  room  full  of  married  people 
empty?  Because  there  is  not  a  single  person 
in  it. 

The  proper  place  for  proof-readers — The  house 
of  correction. 

When  do  young  folks  grow  the  most  ?  When 
they  are  in  love ;  it  increases  their  sighs  wonder- 
fully. 

To  make  a  tall  man  short — Try  to  borrow 
five  dollars  of  him. 

"  Who  is  the  handsomest  person  in  the  car  ?  " 
said  Smith  to  Jones.  "Why,  the  one  who  is 
passing  fare,"  said  Jones.  The  car  was  im- 
mediately stopped,  and  Jones  was  hung  by  the 
roadside. 


Bmerican  THUit  anO  "Ibumor  133 

When  a  lady  faints,  what  figure  does  she 
need?     You  must  bring  her  2. 

Why  are  some  people  like  eggs  ?  Because 
they  are  too  full  of  themselves  to  hold  anything 
else. 

Where  did  Noah  preserve  the  bees  during  the 
flood  ?     In  the  ark-hives. 

Why  is  every  Boston  boy  sure  to  make  a 
noise  in  the  v/orld  ?  Because  he  is  a  little  Hub 
bub  in  himself. 

A  tie  vote — When  both  parties  vote  yes,  and 
the  preacher  ties  the  knot. 

When  does  rain  become  too  familiar  with  a 
lady?     When  it  begins  to  patter  on  her  back. 

If  a  lady  in  a  red  cloak  were  to  cross  a  field 
in  which  was  a  goat,  what  wonderful  transfor- 
mation would  probably  take  place  ?  The  goat 
would  turn  to  butter  and  the  lady  into  a  scarlet 
runner. 

If  a  toper  and  a  quart  of  whiskey  were  left 
together,  which  would  be  drunk  first  ? 


134  amcrican  Mtt  anD  Ibumor 

Why  is  a  man  sick  a  bed  never  round  shoul- 
dere(i  ?     Because  he  is  flat  on  his  back. 

When  is  a  ship  like  a  scarfpin  ?  When  it  is 
on  the  bosom  of  a  heavy  swell. 

What  trees  are  those  which,  when  burned  up., 
are  exactly  what  they  were  before  ?     Ashes. 

What  time  is  it  when  the  clock  strikes 
thirteen  ?     Time  the  clock  was  repaired. 

Why  is  the  judge's  nose  like  the  middle  of  the 
earth  ?     Because  it's  the  scenter  of  gravity. 

We  are  asked,  in  a  long  communication,  "if 
tight  lacing  is  injurious  ?  "     Of  corset  is. 

What  sort  of  essence  does  a  young  man  like 
when  he  pops  the  question  ?     Acquiescence. 

What  is  the  difference  between  the  North  and 
South  Pole  ?     All  the  difference  in  the  world. 

What  house  pet  is  it  that  is  so  generally  ad- 
mired, sought  after,  and  valued  yet  more 
abused,  trampled  upon,  kicked  about,  looked 
down  upon  and  whipped  more  than  any  other  ? 
A  carpet. 


american  land  an&  Ibumor  135 

Thompson  is  not  going  to  do  anything  more 
in  conundrums.  He  recently  asked  his  wife  the 
difference  between  his  head  and  a  hogshead, 
and  she  said,  there  was  none.  He  says  that 
is  not  the  right  answer. 


CHAPTER  VI 

Josh  Billings 
"  'Tis  good  to  be  merry  and  wise." 
The  sun  says,  with  a  lisp,  "I  thaw  it." 

A  man  having  had  $65  stolen  from  him,  re- 
ceived a  note  with  ^25,  saying,  "I  stoled  your 
money.  Remorse  naws  at  my  conshens,  and  I 
send  some  of  it  back.  When  remorse  naws 
again,  I'll  send  you  some  more." 

A  mother's  heart  gives  4th  joy  at  her  baby's 

I  St   2th. 

I  hav  herd  a  grate  deal  sed  about  broken 
harfes,  and  thare  may  be  a  fu  ov  them,  but  mi 
experience  haz  been  that  next  to  the  gizzard  the 
heart  iz  the  tuffest  piece  ov  meat  in  the  whole 
kritter. 

I  pitty  the  poor  mizerabel  man  w\\o  sez  thare 
iz  no  hereafter.      I  had  rather  be  a  mule,  para- 
lized  in  both  hind  legs,  than  to  be  him. 
136 


Smerican  mit  an&  Ibumot  137 

There  aint  but  phew  good  judges  ov  humor 
and  they  all  differ  about  it. 

In  a  Cincinnati  block:  "Josh,  who  is  the 
new  lodger  on  the  fifth  floor  ?  ' '  Janitor : 
"  Well,  I  dunno.  I  seed  him  makin'  faces  outen 
a  pile  of  mud.     Guess  he  must  be  a  sculprit." 

Ho,  mug-gin;  ho,  mug-gin,  from  a  forrin 
sho-hore,  is  the  way  a  Topeka  belle  warbles  a 
popular  song. 

Miss  Stagg  was  married  at  Hornellsville,  N. 
Y.,  recently.  The  bridegroom  had  engraved 
on  the  wedding  ring,  "  Name  ever  deer  to  me." 
We  wish  them  all  doe  mestic  bliss.  They  are 
taking  their  wedding  trip  on  a  buck-board. 

Munny  will  buy  a  pretty  dog,  but  it  won't  buy 
the  wag  ov  hiz  tale. 

"Love  iz  an  honorable  diseaze  enuff  tew  hav, 
bekauz  it  iz  natral ;  but  enny  phellow  who  haz 
laid  sik  with  it  for  seven  long  years,  after  he  gits 
over  it  feels  sumthing  like  the  phellow  who  haz 
phell  down  on  the  ice  when  it  is  very  wet — he 
dont  feel  like  talking  about  it  before  folks." 


138  amertcan  THIlit  anO  Ibumor 

He  who  wood  rize  in  the  world,  must  pay  for 
the  yeazt. 

The  following  "notis"  is  posted  in  Lincoln 
County,  Mo.:  "  Ce  hear.  Eye  dont  want  en- 
niboddi  that  has  hosses  which  has  the  eppizu- 
tick  innflewenza,  or  any  other  infurnel  name,  to 
cum  thru  this  gait  under  penalty  of  havin  of 
their,  the  hosses,  tales  cut  oph  cloase  behind 
their,  the  hosses,  years.  Keep  shi.  Moun- 
tainer." 

No  man  lean  be  a  helthy  phool  unless  he  haz 
nussed  at  the  breast  of  wisdom. 

An  honest  ignoramus,  who  has  escaped  a 
great  peril  by  an  act  of  heroism,  was  much  com- 
plimented for  his  bravery.  One  lady  said  :  "I 
wish  I  could  have  seen  your  feat."  Whereupon 
he  blushed  and  stammered,  and  finally,  pointing 
to  his  pedal  extremities,  said,  "  Well,  there  they 
be,  mum." 

The  ghost  of  Noah  Webster  came  to  a  spiritual 
medium  in  Alabama,  not  long  since,  and  wrote 
on  a  shp  of  paper  :  "  It  is  tite  times."  Noah  was 
right  but  we  are  sorry  to  see  he  has  gone  back 
on  his  dictionary. 


Hmcrtcan  llfltt  anO  t)umor  139 

In  a  breach  of  promise  case  at  Milwaukee,  the 
lover  was  convicted  of  writing,  "Mi  hart  beets 
oanly  for  the,  uii  darhng  huney." 

Mr.  BilHngs  is  a  little  mysterious  when  he 
says  :  "  Natur  luvs  mysterys,  it  is  the  mysterys 
ov  natur  that  makes  mankind  respecktful.  If 
natur  showed  all  the  keerds  she  held  in  her  hand 
most  ennybody  would  think  they  could  beat 
her.  But  natur  makes  us  guess  at  about  one- 
half  we  know,  and  then  laffs  at  us  in  her  sleeves, 
bekauze  we  don't  git  it  right." 

In  Henry  county,  on  the  28th  ult.,  Mr.  T. 
Winkle  to  Miss  Fannie  Starr.  T.  Winkle,  T. 
Winkle,  little  Starr. 

I  luv  the  hunny  bees  bekause  they  are  allwuss 
bizzy,  and  hav  a  stinger  allwuss  hot  and  reddy 
for  the  lazy,  and  for  thoze  who  poke  their  noze 
into  their  bizziness. 

The  man  who  kant  talk  with  yu  10  minnitts 
on  an  ordinary  bizzness  subjekt  without  express- 
ing a  grate  anxiety  about  the  welfare  ov  yure 
soul,  wants  the  klussest  kind  of  watching. 

Too  long  courtships  are  not  allwuss  judicious ; 
the  partys  often  tire  out  skoreing  before  the  trot 
begins. 


140         American  TRait  aiiD  ibumoc 

There  ain't  ennything  that  will  kompletely 
kure  lazyness",  but  I  have  known  a  2nd  wife  to 
hurry  it  sum. 

There  ain't  but  phew  khan  stick  a  white 
h:inki<erchief  into  the  brest  pocket  ov  their 
overcoat  without  letting  a  little  of  it  stick  out — 
just  by  acksident. 

Yung  man,  don't  be  afrade  to  blow  your  own 
horn,  but  don't  do  it  in  front  of  the  procession ; 
go  behind  and  do  it. 

When  a  man  kums  to  me  for  advice,  I  find 
out  the  kind  of  advice  he  wants,  and  I  give  it  to 
him ;  this  satisfys  him  that  he  and  I  are  two  az 
smart  men  az  there  is  living. 

"Foregoes"  was  the  word  given  out  at  a 
written  spelling  exercise  recently ;  and  one  little 
boy  handed  in,  "  Go,  go,  go,  go." 

The  following  order  was  recently  left  on  the 
slate  of  a  New  Hampshire  doctor  : — "  Doc,  cum 
up  to  ther  house ;  the  old  man  has  got  snaix  in 
his  butes  again,  an'  raisin'  kain." 

Luv  iz  one  ov  them  kind  of  diseases  that  yu 
kant  git,  nor  git  rid  ov,  with  enny  certainty, 
enny  more  than  yu  kan  the  rumatiz. 


Bmerican  "CClit  an5  Ibumoi:  I4i 

Philosophy  iz  a  fust  rate  thing  to  hav,  but  yu 
leant  alleviate  the  gout  with  it,  unless  the  gout 
happens  to  be  on  sum  other  phellow. 

Biographies  are  delitesome  reading.  We 
kumpare  all  the  virtews  of  the  person's  character 
with  our  own,  and  all  his  failings  with  our 
nabors. 

The  reputation  that  a  man  gits  from  his  an- 
sesters  often  wants  az  mutch  altering  to  fit  him 
az  thare  old  clothes  wood.     It  iz  truly  thus. 

Haven't  been  well?  Well,  I  dunno  whether 
it's  cos  I'm  fond  o'  my  tay,  but  the  doctor  he 
do  say  I'm  suffering  from  a  bronze  kettle  affec- 
tion. 

If  you  undertake  to  hire  a  man  to  be  honest, 
yu  will  have  to  raize  his  wages  every  morning, 
and  watch  him  dredphull  cluss  besides. 

SPRING 

"  Well,  Spring,  youv  cum  at  last,  hev  you  ? 
Tlie  poet  sez  youv  bin  a  sittin  in  Old  Winter's 
Lap — now  aint  you  ashamed  of  yourself? 
I  spose  the  old  feller's  bin  a  bussin  you  ; 
I  should  think  he  had  from  your  breth 
A  bein  so  cold — but  that's  the  way  them 
Old  fellers  hev  a  doing. 


142  american  "Wllit  anO  Ibumot 

"  Well,  as  I  was  saying, 
Youv  cum  at  last  with  your  '  bamy 
Brelh  '  a  blowing  from  the  Northwes  — 
Westconstant  or  Nebrasky,  I  spose, 
Great  countries  for  bam  I  reckin. 

"  Now  youv  cum  wen 
Everybodi's  feed  and  korn  and  things 
Hev  all  been  fed  out !     Now  luck  at 
Our  kritters,  will  ye  ?     See  our  katl ; 
On  the  lift,  a  hevin  to  be  steaded  by 
Thur  tales  when  they  gits  up  a  mornings! 
Look  at  our  hossis  wats  all  reduced 
To  skeletons  a  weepin  over  a  troft ; 
A  hull  troft  full  of  kobs  ! 
A  hull  troft  full  of  bitter  reckeleckshuns  ! 

"  Look  at  them  shepe  a  lien  in 
The  fence  corners  a  waiting  for  grass ! 
Yis,  and  they've  bin  a  waiting  some  ov 
Them  weex  I     And  if  they  wasn't 
Puld  they'd  a  bin  '  shakin  ther  lox 
At  yu  '  and  sed — '  U  dun  it !     (That  thur 
Is  from  Hamlet,  won  of  Shakspur's  plais.) 
As  another  poit  sez — '  Grass  riffused  makes 
The  stumak  ake.'     So  these  shepe  will 
Never  open  thur  i  into  grass  agin — no. 

"  Now  luk  at  them  hogs  as  has  bin 
A  follerin  them  katel  wat  hev  bin 
Stuffed  with  ha !     See  'em,  will  ye,  a  creepin 
Round  as  if  theyse  tetched  with  corns. 
Look  at  thur  eras,  will  ye — bigger  nor 
Enny  cabbidge  lefe  ! 


Bmccican  Mit  anD  Ibumor  143 

"  See  the  shotes 
A  lenin  on  the  fens  to  squele  ! 
Luk  at  them  mity  eies  '  a  hanging  pendint ' 
Onto  seech  little  hogs!     See  a  hundrid 
Gud  shotes  rejuced  down  to  a  even 
Korn  baskit  full ! 
Yes,  that  thurs  ol  yer  doins,  U 
Tardy,  loiterin  Spring ! — a  hanging  bale 
As  youv  bin  a  doin. 

"  But  now  you've  cum  ! 
We  feel  yure  cheerin  presenz  wen  we 
Git  round  onto  the  south  side  of  the  barn  I 
We  here  the  hens  a  kacklin  when  they've 
Laid  a  eg  !     We  see  the  horse  radish 
A  starting  up  along  side  the  garding 
Fens !     The  wimmen  is  a  lukin  into 
The  old  tea-pot  after  gardin  seeds. 
And  all  these  things  make  me  think  youv  cum, 

"  Ef  so  be  I've  riled 
Ye,  Spring,  a  showin  up  ov  yer  short  cummins. 
Jest  set  it  down  to  havin  poit's  lisens. 
(Tho  I  haint  taken  wun  out  yet,  I  'low  to."} 


CHAPTER  VII 

Lawyers 

"The  Prince  of  Darkness  is  a  gentleman." 

Moving  for  a  new  trial — Popping  to  Mrs. 
No.  2. 

A  band  of  Ohio  women  gathered  in  front  of 
a  lawyer's  office  by  mistake,  and  prayed  and 
sang  half  an  hour  before  they  learned  that  they 
had  been  throwing  away  time.  It  is  calculated 
that  their  prayers  wouldn't  have  had  any  effect 
under  eighteen  months. 

The  debt  of  nature  should  never  be  paid,  if  it 
can't  be  collected  without  an  execution. 

"  Where  is  that  twelfth  juror?  "  exclaimed  an 
Idaho  judge  on  the  court's  resuming  business 
after  a  recess,  frowning  as  he  spoke  at  the  eleven 
jurors  in  the  box,  one  of  whom  rose  and  said  : 
"  Please  judge,  it's  Ike  Simmons  as  is  gone. 
He  had  to  go  on  private  business,  but  he's  left 
his  vurdick  with  me." 

144 


american  TttUft  anO  Dumor  145 

A  Western  lawyer  included  in  his  bill  against 
his  client — lb  waking  up  in  the  night  and 
thinking  about  your  case,  five  dollars. 

A  celebrated  lawyer  said  that  the  three  most 
troublesome  clients  he  ever  had  were  a  young 
lady  who  wanted  to  be  married,  a  married 
woman  who  wanted  a  divorce,  and  an  old  maid 
who  didn't  know  what  she  wanted. 

In  the  olden  times  in  Louisiana  when  a  man 
had  a  lawsuit  he  used  to  hire  a  lawyer ;  now  he 
has  to  hire  a  judge. 

A  lawyer,  of  Montana,  recently  received  a 
letter  from  a  heart-broken  and  disconsolate  hus- 
band inquiring,  "  Is  there  any  law  to  punish  a 
woman  for  leaving  her  husband  with  two  little 
helpless  children,  and  if  so,  how  much?" 

"What  shall  I  do  to  collect  this  bill?"  a 
butcher  asked  his  lawyer.  The  man  of  la.v 
reached  forth  his  hand  for  a  retainer  and  said 
briefly,  "Suet." 

A  worthy  old  farmer  who  was  being  worried 
in  his  cross-examination  by  a  lawyer  in  Maine, 
exclaimed  :  "Look  here,  squire,  don't  you  ask 
a  good  many  foolish  questions?  " 


146  Bmerican  *wait  anO  mumot 

A  St.  Louis  lawyer  attempted  to  try  a  case, 
the  other  day,  while  he  was  half  drunk,  but  the 
judge  stopped  him,  saying:  *'No  lawyer  can 
practice  at  two  bars  at  the  same  time." 

During  the  cross-examination  of  tlie  plaintiff, 
the  following  pointed  colloquy  took  place  be- 
tween him  and  the  defendant's  attorney  :  "  Were 
you  ever  in  Albany?"  "Yes,  sir."  "How 
long  were  you  there?"  "Six  months,  sir." 
"Were  you  in  the  penitentiary  at  the  time?" 
"Yes,  sir;  but  I  never  was  in  the  Assembly, 
sir."  The  rejoinder  was  enjoyed  by  the  spec- 
tators, who  remembered  the  attorney  did  once 
occupy  a  seat  in  the  House. 

A  little  boy  was  asked  the  other  day  if  he 
linew  where  the  wicked  finally  go  to.  He  an- 
swered :  "  They  practice  law  here  a  spell  and 
then  go  to  the  legislature." 

There  is  a  story  of  Judge  Grier,  which  every- 
body delights  in,  how  he  set  aside  the  unjust 
verdict  of  a  jury  against  an  unpopular  man, 
■with  the  remark,  "  Enter  the  verdict,  Mr. 
Clerk.  Enter,  also,  set  aside,  by  the  court.  I 
■want  it  to  be  understood  that  it  takes  thirteen 
men  to  steal  a  man's  farm  in  this  court." 


Bmedcan  "Mil  aiiD  Ibumor  147 

A  pack  of  wolves  in  Sheibourne  Co.,  Minne- 
sota, chased  a  couple  of  lawyers  five  miles,  and 
the  New  Orleans  Republican  thinks  it  showed  a 
lack  of  professional  courtesy. 

William  M.  Evarts  tells  this  good  story.  A 
few  summers  since,  at  the  urgent  request  of  one 
of  his  younger  daughters,  he  sent  up  to  his  country 
place  in  Vermont  a  donkey  for  her  use.  She 
had  read  about  donkeys,  but  was  not  familiar 
with  their  peculiar  vocalism.  The  animal's 
strange  noises  inspired  her  with  the  profoundest 
pity  for  his  evident  distress.  So  she  wrote  to 
her  father,  "  Dear  papa,  I  do  wish  you  would 
come  up  here  soon — my  donkey  is  so  lonesome." 

Two  lawyers,  while  bathing  at  Santa  Cruz  the 
other  day,  were  chased  out  of  the  water  by  a 
shark.  This  is  the  most  flagrant  case  of  want 
of  professional  courtesy  on  record. 

Making  the  best  of  it  is  a  good  rule  for  every- 
body.. "  What  is  the  matter?  "  asked  a  lawyer 
of  his  coachman.  "The  horses  are  running 
away,  sir."  "Can  you  not  pull  them  up?" 
"I  am  afraid  not."  "  Then,"  said  the  lawyer, 
after  judicial  delay,  "run  into  something 
cheap." 


148  Bmericau  Mit  an^  Ibumor 

A  judge  at  Montgomery,  Ala.,  recently  in- 
terrupted, a  very  flowery  young  orator  with — 
"Hold  on,  hold  on,  my  dear  sir!  Don't  go 
any  higher  !  You  are  already  out  of  the  juris- 
diction of  this  court !  " 

Judge  Martin  decided  that  certain  evidence 
was  inadmissible.  The  attorney  took  strong 
exceptions  to  the  ruling,  and  insisted  that  it 
was  admissible.  "I  know,  your  Honor,"  said 
he,  warmly,  "that  it  is  proper  evidence.  Here 
I  have  been  practicing  at  the  bar  for  forty  years, 
and  now  I  want  to  know  if  I  am  a  fool?" 
"That,"  quietly  replied  the  court,  "is  a  ques- 
tion of  fact,  and  not  of  law,  and  so  I  won't  pass 
upon  it,  but  will  let  the  jury  decide." 

A  judge,  in  remanding  a  criminal  called  him 
a  scoundrel.  The  prisoner  replied,  "  Sir,  I  am 
not  as  big  a  scoundrel  as  your  honor" — here 
the  culprit  stopped,  but  finally  added — "takes 
me  to  be."  "  Put  your  words  closer  together," 
said  the  judge. 

"  Prisoner,"  said  Squire  Jones,  in  awarding 
judgment,  "it  is  a  maxim  of  the  law  that  it  is 
better  to  err  on  the  side  of  mercy.  This  court 
has  made  up  her  mind  which  side  she  will  err 
on,  and  nothing  remains  but  to  err  on  that  side." 


Bmerican  THIltt  an£>  Ibuniot  149 

"Gentlemen  of  the  jury,"  said  a  blundering 
counsel  in  a  suit  about  a  lot  of  hogs,  "there 
were  just  thirty-six  in  the  drove.  Please  re- 
member the  fact — thirty-six  hogs;  just  three 
times  as  many  as  in  that  jury-box,  genllemen." 

Two  young  attorneys  were  wTangling  for  a 
long  time  before  Judge  Knox,  of  Virginia,  over 
a  point  of  law.  His  Honor  rendered  his  de- 
cision, and  the  sprig  who  had  lost  impudently 
remarked:  "Your  Honor,  there  is  a  growing 
opinion  tliat  all  the  fools  are  not  dead  yet." 
"Certainly,"  answered  the  court,  with  unruffled 
good  humor,  "I  quite  agree  with  you,  Mr.  B., 
and  congratulate  you  upon  your  healthy  appear- 


A  few  days  since  one  of  our  popular  attorneys 
called  upon  another  member  of  the  profession, 
and  asked  his  opinion  upon  a  certain  point  of 
law.  The  lawyer  to  whom  the  question  was 
addressed. drew  himself  up  and  said  :  "I  gen- 
erally get  paid  for'  telling  what  I  know."  The 
questioner  drew  a  half  dollar  from  his  pocket, 
handed  it  to  the  other,  and  coolly  remarked  : 
"  Tell  me  all  you  know  and  give  me  the  change." 
There  is  coldness  between  the  parties  now. 


150  Bmerican  "CQit  anD  Ibumoc 

The  donkey  and  his  double— Judge  Norbury 
was  interrupted  in  his  charge  to  a  jury  once  by 
the  loud  braying  of  a  donkey  in  the  street  of 
the  assize  town.  "What's  that?"  asked  his 
lordship.  Mr.  Parsons  (with  whom  his  lordship 
had  just  had  a  fiery  flareup)  rose  and  gravely 
assured  him  that  it  was  merely  the  echo  of  the 
court. 

Two  neighbors  living  in  Westchester  county 
had  a  long  and  envenomed  litigation  about  a 
small  spring,  which  they  both  claimed.  The 
judge,  wearied  out  with  the  case,  at  last  said  : 
"  What  is  the  use  of  making  so  much  fuss  about 
a  little  water?  "  "  Your  honor  will  see  the  use 
of  it,"  replied  one  of  the  lawyers,  when  I  in- 
form you  that  the  parties  are  both  milkmen  ! 

In  Connecticut  a  certain  magistrate  was  called 
to  jail  to  liberate  a  worthless  debtor.  "Well, 
John,"  said  the  magistrate  on  entering,  "can 
you  swear  that  you  are  not  worth  twenty  dollars, 
and  never  will  be?"  "Why,"  answered  the 
other,  chagrined  at  the  question,  "  I  can  swear 
that  I  am  not  worth  that  amount  at  present." 
"Well,  well,"  returned  the  magistrate,  "I  can 
swear  the  rest;  so  go  ahead."  And  the  man 
was  sworn  and  discharged. 


Bmertcan  lUlit  auD  "Ibumoc  loi 

A  dying  client  sent  for  lawyers  Rickle  and 
Fuller,  of  course,  to  draw  the  will  they  sup- 
posed he  would  make.  Judge  of  their  surprise 
when  his  request  was  that  one  should  stand  on 
each  side  of  him,  so  that  he  could  die  like  Jesus 
Ciuist ! 

A  lawyer  had  his  portrait  taken  in  his  favorite 
attitude — standing  with  his  hands  in  his  pocket. 
An  old  farmer  remarked  that  the  portrait  would 
have  been  more  like  the  lawyer  if  it  had  repre- 
sented him  with  his  hand  in  another  man's 
pocket,  instead  of  his  own. 

Two  lawyers  returning  from  court  one  said  to 
the  other,  "I've  a  notion  to  join  the  Rev.  Mr. 

's  church  ;  been  debating  the  matter  for 

some  time.  What  do  you  think  of  it?" 
"Wouldn't  do  it,"  said  the  other.  "Why?" 
"Because  it  would  do  you  no  good  while  it 
would  be  a  great  injury  to  the  church." 

In  a  lawsuit,  between  two  members  of  tlie 
same  church,  counsel  for  one  of  the  parties  sug- 
gested that  the  brethren  ought  to  defer  their 
differences  for  adjustment  to  the  higher  court 
above ;   to  which  the  client  responded  that  the 


152  Bmerlcan  iMit  atiD  Mumor 

same  idea  had  occurred  to  him,  but  there 
seemed  to  be  an  insuperable  obstacle  in  the  way 
— he  couldn't  contrive  any  way  to  get  his  law- 
yer there. 


CHAPTER  VIII 

Ministers 

"  A  little  nonsense  now  and  then 
Is  relished  by  the  best  of  men." 

A  CLERGYMAN  Said  that  modern  young  ladies 
were  not  the  daughters  of  Shem  and  Ham,  but 
the  daughters  of  Hem  and  Sham. 

A  telegraph  messenger  got  his  dispatches 
mixed  the  other  day,  and  handed  a  jockey  a 
telegram  which  read  :  "  Can  you  supply  our 
pulpit  next  Sabbath?"  and  to  a  well-known 
clergyman  a  dispatch  which  read,  "The  race  is 
postponed  till  Monday.  Can  you  come  down 
and  spend  Sunday?" 

An  old,  rough  clergyman  once  took  for  his 
text  that  passage  of  the  Psalms,  "I  said  in  my 
haste  all  men  are  liars."  Looking  up,  appar- 
ently as  if  he  saw  the  Psalmist  standing  before 
him,  he  said  :  "  You  said  it  in  your  haste, 
David.  If  you  had  been  here,  you  might  have 
said  it  after  mature  deliberation." 
153 


154  american  TlCllt  anD  •fcumot 

An  ignorant  old  lady  was  asked  by  a  minister 
visiting  her  if  she  had  religion.  She  replied : 
"I  have  slight  touches  of  it  occasionally." 

A  small  minister  added  to  his  height  by  stand- 
ing upon  a  wooden  box.  He  opened  the  Bible 
and  read  "  yet  a  little  and  1  am  with  you — a 
little  while  I  am  not  with  you."  Just  then  the 
box  switched  under  his  weight,  and  down  he 
went  out  of  sight. 

"Well,  Father  Brown,  how  did  you  like  my 
sermon  yesterday?"  asked  a  young  preacher. 
"  You  see,  parson,"  was  the  reply,  "  I  haven't  a 
fair  chance  at  them  sermons  of  yourn.  I'm  an 
old  man  now,  and  have  to  set  putty  well  back 
by  the  stove ;  and  ther's  old  Miss  Smith,  n' 
widdow  Taff,  n'  Mrs.  Rylan's  daughters,  and 
Nabby  Birt,  n'  all  the  rest  setting  in  front  of  me, 
with  their  mouths  wide  open,  a  swallerin'  down 
all  the  best  of  the  sermon,  n'  what  gits  down  to 
me  is  putty  poor  stuff,  parson,  putty  poor  stuff." 

When  the  recording  angel  observes  a  minister 
of  the  gospel  holding  a  nail  between  his  fingers 
while  he  misses  it  with  a  hammer,  the  trust- 
worthy scribe  drops  into  a  brown  study  and 
pretends  not  to  hear  anything. 


Bmerican  limit  anO  Ibumor  155 

At  a  recent  wedding  in  Ohio,  the  minister 
was  about  to  salute  the  bride,  when  she  stayed 
him  with:  "No,  mister,  1  give  up  them  vani- 
ties now  !  " 

In  one  of  his  tours,  Elder  John  Leland  came 
up  at  night  to  a  public  house,  where  he  was  ac- 
quainted, and  where  he  proposed  to  pass  the 
night.  The  landlord  met  him  with  a  smiling 
countenance,  and  told  him  that,  having  built  a 
new  barn,  he  was  nicely  prepared  to  accom- 
modate the  clergy.  "I  have,"  said  he,  "a 
very  good  stable,  with  all  the  improvements  for 
Episcopalian  horses ;  a  comfortable  sort  of  a 
stable  for  Presbyterian  horses ;  while  I  keep  the 
old  barn  for  Baptist  horses ;  the  feed  is  accord- 
ing to  the  style  of  the  stable."  "  Well,"  he  re- 
plied, "  everybody  knows  that  I  am  a  Baptist, 
but  my  horse  is  an  Episcopalian." 

That  was  a  good  though  rather  a  severe  pun 
which  was  made  by  a  student  in  one  of  our 
theological  seminaries  (and  he  was  not  one  of 
the  brightest  of  the  class  either),  when  he  asked  : 
"  Why  is  Professor the  greatest  revival- 
ist of  the  age?"  and  on  all  "giving  it  up," 
said:  "Because  at  the  close  of  every  sermon 
there  is  a  '  Great  Awakening.'  " 


156  Hmerican  Tllflit  anD  Ibumor 

A  young  clergyman,  small  of  stature,  preach- 
ing as  a  candidate  in  a  certain  place,  one  Sab- 
bath, peering  over  the  pulpit  Bible,  announced 
as  his  text :    "  It  is  I.      Be  not  afraid." 

Some  months  ago  the  Lord  Bishop  of 


came  to  this  country  on  a  visit  to  the  Rev.  Dr. 

,  of  the  Episcopal  church  in  New  York. 

The  doctor  instructed  a  colored  boy  in  his  serv- 
ice to  knock  at  the  bedroom  door  of  the  Lord 
Bishop  early  in  the  morning  and  say,  "My 
Lord,  the  boy."  Accordingly  the  next  morn- 
ing, the  boy,  somewhat  dazed  by  so  much 
grandeur,  knocked  at  the  bishop's  door,  who 
called  out,  "Who  is  there?"  The  boy  re- 
sponded, "The  Lord,  my  boy." 

Rev.  Robert  Collyer  wishes  every  gin  mill 
chained  in  the  bottomless  pit  of  hell.  Mr.  Coll- 
yer does  wrong  to  wish  anything  which  would 
encourage  emigration  in  that  direction. 

A  young  theological  student,  not  far  from 
Boston,  recently  invited  a  young  lady  to  attend 
a  concert.  The  damsel's  answer  was  in  this 
wise:  "If  you  come  as  a  temporary  supply,  I 
must  refuse  the  invitation.  I  am  only  hearing 
regular  candidates."     He  didn't  supply. 


american  Mlt  anD  Ibumot  157 

/^   New  York  is  disgusted   at  a  bashful  young 
?      clergyman  who  was  reading  the  Holy  Scripture 
in  this  way:    *'And  inamediately  the  cock  wept 
— — «*k1  Peter  went  out  and  crew." 

At  a  religious  meeting  a  lady  persevered  in 
standing  on  a  bench,  and  thus  intercepting  the 
view  of  others,  though  she  was  repeatedly  re- 
quested to  sit  down.  A  reverend  old  gentleman 
at  last  rose  and  said  gravely,  "I  think  if  the 
lady  knew  she  had  a  large  hole  in  each  of  her 
stockings  she  would  not  exhibit  them  in  this 
way."  This  had  the  desired  effect — she  imme- 
diately sank  down  on  her  seat.  A  young 
minister  standing  by  blushed  to  the  temples,  and 
said,  "  Oh,  brother,  how  could  you  say  that  was 
not  the  fact?"  "Not  the  fact!"  replied  the 
old  gentleman  ;  "if  she  had  not  a  large  hole  in 
each  of  her  stockings,  I  would  like  to  know  how 
she  gets  them  on." 

"Mr.  Smith,  you  said  you  once  officiated  in 
the  pulpit ;  did  you  mean  by  that  that  you 
preached?"  "No,  sir;  I  held  the  light  for 
the  man  who  did  preach."  "Ah,  the  Court 
understood  you  differently. — They  supposed 
that  the  discourse  came  directly  from  you." 
"  No,  sir,  I  only  threw  a  little  light  on  it." 


158  Bmecican  TiWlt  anD  Ibiimor 

"  Why  don't  you  give  us  a  little  Greek  and 
Latin  occasionally?"  asked  a  country  deacon 
of  a  new  minister.  "Why,  do  you  understand 
those  languages?"  "No,  but  we  pay  for  the 
best,  and  ought  to  have  it." 

The  Rev.  Mr.  A.,  a  Methodist  minister  in  a 
western  village,  observed  one  hot  Sunday,  that 
his  congregation,  with  few  exceptions,  were 
wrapped  in  placid  slumber.  Suddenly  pausing 
in  his  sermon,  he  requested  Deacon  B.  to  pass 
around  the  plate.  The  deacon,  thus  accosted, 
rose  to  his  feet,  and,  with  a  very  red  face,  said, 
"  the  collection  has  already  been  taken  up," 
"  Never  mind.  Brother  B.,"  replied  the  minister, 
"take  up  another,  for  I  intend  to  make  the 
congregation  pay  for  lodgings,  as  well  as  for 
spiritual  food."  When  the  second  collection 
had  been  taken  up  the  congregation  was  very 
wide  awake  indeed. 

Recently  a  minister  received  a  clergyman's 
half-fare  traveling  card,  as  they  are  called,  and 
wrote  to  the  superintendent  asking  if  he  could 
not  embrace  his  wife  also.  The  superintendent 
replied  that  he  thought  likely  he  could,  but  did 
not  want  to  say  positively  until  he  had  seen  the 
wife,  as  he  was  a  little  fastidious  in  his  tastes. 


Bmcrlcan  THflit  anD  Ibumor  159 

A  bishop,  fond  of  hunting,  hearing  it  re- 
marked that  the  apostles  never  hunted,  rephed, 
"No,  shooting  was  very  bad  in  Palestine,  so 
they  fished  instead." 

I  never  knew  a  good  horse  which  had  not 
some  odd  habit  or  other,  and  I  never  yet  saw  a 
minister  worth  his  salt  who  had  not  some 
crotchet  or  oddity.  Now,  these  are  the  bits  of 
cheese  that  cavilers  smell  out  and  nibble  at; 
this  man  is  too  slow,  and  another  too  fast ;  the 
first  is  too  flowery,  and  the  second  is  too  dull. 
Dear  me,  if  all  God's  creatures  were  judged  in 
this  way,  we  should  wring  the  dove's  neck  for 
being  too  tame,  shoot  the  robins  for  eating 
spiders,  kill  the  cows  for  swinging  their  tails,  and 
the  hens  for  not  giving  us  milk.  When  a  man 
wants  to  beat  a  dog  he  can  soon  find  a  stick, 
and  at  this  rate  any  fool  may  have  something  to 
say  against  the  best  minister  in  England. 

Bishop  Clark,  of  Rhode  Island,  once  went  to 
see  one  of  his  parishioners,  a  lady  with  a  pro- 
digious family,  which  had  recently  been  in- 
creased. As  he  rose  to  leave,  the  lady  stopped 
him  with,  "  But  you  haven't  seen  my  last  baby." 
"  No,"  he  quickly  replied,  "and  I  never  expect 
to!"     Then  he  fled. 


160  Bmerican  TiUlit  anD  •Junior 

"  Do  you  think  I  am  a  fool?  "  a  violent  man 
once  asked  of  the  late  Rev.  Dr.  Bethune. 
"Really,"  replied  the  doctor,  "I  would  not 
have  made  the  assertion,  but  now  that  you  ask 
my  opinion,  I  must  say  that  1  am  not  prepared 
to  deny  it." 

A  Massachusetts  bishop,  who  visiting  one  of 
the  churches  of  his  diocese,  requested  that  the 
children  of  the  Sunday-school  should  be  assem- 
bled to  be  catechized.  The  good  bishop  put 
this  question  rather  suddenly  to  the  little  boy 
who  stood  trembling  at  the  head  of  the  class. 
"Who  made  the  world?"  The  little  fellow 
with  quivering  voice,  replied:  "I  didn't." 
The  bishop,  astonished  at  the  answer,  de- 
manded:  "What  do  you  mean,  sir?"  Still 
more  frightened,  the  lad  replied:  "If — I — did 
— I — won't — do — it — again  !  " 

A  Boston  minister  once  told  Wendel  Phillips 
that  if  his  business  in  life  was  to  save  the 
negroes,  he  ought  to  go  south  where  ihey  were 
and  do  it.  "  That  is  worth  thinking  of,"  replied 
Phillips,  "and  what  is  your  business  in  life?  " 
"To  save  men  from  hell,"  replied  the  minister. 
"Then  go  there  and  attend  to  your  business," 
rejoined  Philiips. 


Bmcrican  Mit  an&  Ibumor  mi 

A  clergyman,  one  hot  Sunday,  observing  a 
deacon  asleep  in  church,  called  out :  "  Brother 
Austin  will  please  open  the  window  a  little. 
Physicians  say  it  is  unhealthy  to  sleep  in  a  hot 
room." 

In  the  smoking  car  of  a  New  Haven  train, 
Friday,  were  seated  two  men  faced  to  each 
other,  whom  white  neckcloths  made  conspicuous 
despite  the  clouds  of  smoke.  They  were  con- 
versing on  the  subject  of  church  government, 
and  got  pretty  well  advanced  in  the  topic  when 
two  men  sharing  their  seats  drew  forth  a  pack 
of  cards,  and  pretty  soon  the  observations  on 
church  government  were  diversified  by  such  re- 
marks as:  "What's  trumps?"  "Take  up." 
"  Pass."      "  Skunked,  by  thunder  !  " 


Slightly  sarcastic  was  the  clergyman  who 
paused  and  addressed  a  man  coming  into  church, 
after  the  sermon  had  begun  with  the  remark, 
"Glad  to  see  you,  sir,  come  in;  always  glad  to 
see  those  here  late  who  can't  come  early;  "  and 
decidedly  self-possessed  was  the  man  thus  ad- 
dressed, in  the  presence  of  an  astounded  con- 
gregation, as  he  responded:  "Thank  you; 
would  you  favor  me  with  the  text?  " 


162  amcrtcan  TiUit  anD  Ibumor 

Said  a  Baptist  to  a  Methodist  brother :  "I 
don't  Hke  your  church  government — it  has  too 
much  machinery  about  it."  "Yes,  but  then 
you  see,"  said  the  Methodist,  "it  don't  take 
near  so  much  water  to  run  it." 

A  clergyman  in  a  Lawrence  church,  on  a  re- 
cent occasion,  discovered,  after  beginning  the 
service,  that  he  had  forgotten  his  notes.  As  it 
was  too  late  to  send  for  them,  he  said  to  his 
audience,  by  way  of  apology,  that  this  morning 
he  should  have  to  depend  upon  the  Lord  for 
what  he  might  say,  but  in  the  afternoon  he 
would  come  better  prepared. 

A  clergyman,  lecturing  on  Palestine,  remarked 
concerning  one  very  rugged  locality :  "  The 
road  up  these  mountains  are  too  steep  and 
rocky  for  even  a  donkey  to  climb,  therefore  I 
did  not  attempt  the  ascent." 

One  of  the  deacons  of  a  certain  church  asked 
the  bishop  if  he  usually  kissed  the  bride  at  wed- 
dings. "Always,"  was  the  reply.  "And  how 
do  you  manage  when  the  happy  pair  are 
negroes?"  was  the  next  question.  "In  all 
such  cases,"  replied  the  bishop,  "the  duty  of 
kissing  is  appointed  to  the  deacons." 


Bmcrican  IKIlit  an&  "toumor  in:? 

The  Rev.  Mr.  Shipman,  of  Norwich,  says 
that  he  was  once  called  to  marry  a  man  who 
was  to  be  united  to  his  fourth  wife.  As  he  ap- 
proached the  couple  he  said,  as  usual,  "Please 
rise."  The  man  fidgeted  about  on  his  chair, 
and  finally  remarked,  "  We've  usually  sot." 

It  is  related  of  a  certain  minister  of  Maine, 
who  was  noted  for  his  long  sermons,  with  many 
divisions,  that  one  day  when  he  was  advancing 
among  the  teens  he  reached  at  length  a  kind  of 
resting-place  in  his  discourse,  when,  pausing  to 
take  breath,  he  asked  the  question:  "And 
what  shall  I  say  next?  "  A  voice  from  the  con- 
gregation responded,  "  Amen." 

A  Utica  clergyman  had  occasion  to  refer  in  a 
sermon  to  the  prophet  Jonah,  and  the  report 
says  that  he  delicately  spoke  of  him  as  having 
"passed  three  days  and  three  nights  in  the 
whale's — ahem — society. ' ' 

A  wide-awake  minister,  who  found  his  con- 
gregation going  to  sleep  before  he  had  fairly 
commenced,  suddenly  exclaimed,  "Brethren, 
this  ain't  fair.  Wait  till  I  get  along,  and  then 
if  I  ain't  worth  listening  to,  go  to  sleep;  but 
don't  before  I  commence— give  a  man  a  chance." 


i«i  Bmerican  TMtt  anD  Ibumot 

One  of  our  vicinity  deacons  nearly  captured 
five  boys  who  had  been  devastating  his  chestnut 
trees,  one  Sunday  afternoon.  Shaking  his  fist 
after  their  retreating  forms,  he  angrily  shouted  : 
<'The  sneaking  little  devils!  if  I  had  hold  of 
'em  one  minute  I'd  " — and  then  suddenly  es- 
pying his  pastor  on  the  scene,  he  impressively 
added,  "I'd  pray  for  'em." 

A   gentleman  invited  the   Rev.    Mr.    M 


to  ride,  and  thought  he  would  improve  the  op- 
portunity for  a  little  serious  conversation.  "  I 
sometimes  think  there  is  something  wanting  in 

my  life."      "Yes,"  interrupted   M ,   "you 

want  something  that  will  git  up  and  git,  and 
dust  them  on  the  road,  better  than  this  old  plug 
you're  holding  the  lines  over  now." 

"Oh  !  yes,"  said  Mrs.  D.,  as  she  surveyed 
with  evident  pleasure  her  little  parlor  sideboard, 
covered  with  old  china  and  decorated  with 
highly-colored  tiles.  "  Mr.  B.  remarked  the 
other  night  that  I  was  becoming  quite  an 
atheist,"  and  the  old  lady's  countenance  fairly 
beamed  with  delight  as  her  eyes  rested  on  a 
sixteen-cent  Japanese  teapot. 


CHAPTER  IX 

Doctors 

"  The  best   doctors  in   the  world  are   Dr.  Diet,  Dr. 
Quiet  and  Dr.  Merryman." 

A  doctor's  motto:    "Patients  and  long  suf- 
fering." 

There  is  no  worse  occupation  for  an  earnest 
physician  than  to  listen   to  the  complaints  of 

people  who  pretend  to  be  ill.     Dr.  ,  who 

was  called  by  one  of  his  patients  for  nothing 
about  once  a  week,  ended  by  inquiring  :  "  Then 
you  eat  well?"  "Yes."  "  You  drink  well?  " 
"Yes."  "You  sleep  well?"  "Certainly." 
"  Wonderful,"  said  the  doctor  as  he  prepared  to 
write  a  prescription.  "I'm  going  to  give  you 
something  that  will  put  a  stop  to  all  that." 

A  Davenport  newspaper  speaks  of  a  doctor  in 
that  city  looking  with  a  deep-meaning  smile 
upon  a  large  lot  of  green  cucumbers  in  the 
market.  On  his  way  home  he  was  observed  to 
whisper  confidentially  to  several  undertakers. 
165 


166  Bmcrican  TKIllt  an^  tbumor 

The  only  people  who  really  enjoy  bad  health 
are  the  doctors. 

A  doctor  always  treated  his  juvenile  patients 
for  worms,  whatever  might  be  their  symptoms. 
One  day  being  called  to  a  boy  who  was  suffering 
severely,  he  felt  the  pulse,  and  looking  at  the 
mother  with  a  solemn  shake  of  the  head,  said  : 
*♦  Worms,  madam,  worms  !  "  *'  Now,  doctor," 
said  the  mother,  "  it  isn't  worms  at  all,  I  tell 
ye ;  that  boy  fell  down  the  wood  pile  and  broke 
his  leg,  and  I  want  you  to  stop  crying  worms 
and  set  it  immediately."  "Ah!"  said  the 
doctor,  determined  not  to  be  put  down,  "  worms 
in  the  wood,  madam  !  worms  in  the  wood  ! ' ' 

The  only  man  who  don't  get  out  of  patients 
in  cold  weather — The  doctor. 

Dr.   G ,  of  Sycamore,  111.,  riding  in  the 

country  one  day,  saw  a  sign  upon  a  gate-post 
reading  thus  :  "  This  farm  for  sail."  Stopping 
his  horse,  he  hailed  a  little  old  woman  who 
stood  on  tiptoe  hanging  out  clothes.  "  I  say, 
madam,  when  is  this  farm  going  to  sail?'' 
"Just  as  soon,  sir,"  replied  the  lady,  placing 
her  thumb  to  her  nose,  "as  anybody  comes 
along  who  can  raise  the  wind  !  " 


american  Wit  anD  Ibumor  ig7 

"Keep  'em  alive,  boy!  keep  'em  alive!" 
said  an  old  pliysician  to  his  young  brother  prac- 
titioner.    "  Dead  men  pay  no  bills." 

The  brusque  Dr.  Abernethy,  when  rushing 
along  a  London  street  in  great  haste,  was 
attacked  by  a  garrulous  old  lady  patient.  She 
began  her  plaint.  There  was  but  one  chance  of 
escape.  "Just  close  your  eyes  and  open  your 
mouth,  madam,"  said  the  desperate  man. 
There  she  stood  and  stood,  eyes  shut,  tongue 
protruded,  waiting  for  his  verdict,  while  he 
darted  past  and  left  her  to  the  tender  mercies  of 
a  rapidly-increasing  crowd. 

"  It's  no  use  to  feel  my  wrist,"  said  Pat  when 
the  physician  began  feeling  his  pulse.  "The 
pain  is  not  there,  sorr,  it's  in  my  head  en- 
toirely." 

The  other  day,  Mrs.  Muggins,  finding  her- 
self unwell,  sent  for  a  doctor,  and  in  the  pres- 
ence of  Muggins  and  the  medical  man,  declared 
her  belief  that  she  was  poisoned,  and  that  he 
(Muggins)  had  done  it.  "I  didn't  do  it," 
shouted  Muggins;  "it's  all  gammon,  she  isn't 
poisoned.  Prove  it,  doctor — open  her  on  the 
spot;  I'm  willing." 


168  iimerican  lUit  au^  llnimor 

The  doctor's  work  fiUs  six  feet  of  ground,  but 
the  dentist's  work  fills  an  acher. 

"  Well,  doctor,  it's  no  use,  I'm  going  to 
die!"  "Nonsense,"  said  the  doctor,  "you're 
not  going  to  die  at  all.  No  man  ever  died  with 
feet  as  warm  as  yours  !  "  "  Ah,  yes  they  did, 
doctor."  "  I  should  like  to  know  who,  then  ?  " 
said  the  doctor.  "  John  Rogers  did,"  said  the 
patient. 

"I'm  so  afraid,  doctor,  that  my  darling  has 
— has — worms,  doctor."  "H'm,  h'm.  Pos- 
sibly, possibly.     Better  send  him  fishing." 

Two  San  Francisco  doctors,  recently  called  in 
to  attend  a  conference  over  a  man  supposed  to  be 
in  the  last  extremity,  violently  quarreled  and 
finally  caned  each  other.  The  patient  laughed, 
perspiration  was  induced,  and  he  recovered. 
Where  doctors  fall  out,  sometimes,  patients  get 
well. 

A  physician,  on  presenting  his  bill  to  the 
executor  of  the  estate  of  a  deceased  patient, 
asked,  "  Do  you  wish  to  have  my  bill  sworn 
to?  "  "  No,"  replied  the  executor,  "  the  death 
of  the  deceased  is  sufficient  evidence  that  you 
attended  him  professionally." 


Bmerlcan  TKait  auD  Ibumor  169 

When  Shakespeare  wrote  about  patience  on  a 
monument,  he  did  not  refer  to  doctor's  patients, 
because  you  always  find  them  under  the  monu- 
ment. 

"Well,"  remarked  a  young  M.  D.,  just  from 
college,  "I  suppose  the  next  thing  will  be  to 
hunt  a  good  location,  and  then  wait  for  some- 
thing to  do,  like  'Patience  on  a  monument.'  " 
"  Yes,"  said  a  bystander,  "  and  it  won't  be  long 
after  you  do  begin  before  monuments  will  be  on 
the  patients." 

It  is  useless  for  physicians  to  argue  against 
short  sleeved  dresses.  The  Constitution  says : 
"The  right  to  bear  arms  shall  not  be  interfered 
with." 

Physicians  hear  some  queer  diagnoses  from 
amateurs  sometimes.  Our  friend  Dr.  D.  was 
called  recently  to  see  a  sick  man,  and  upon  in- 
quiring of  his  wife  how  he  was  affected,  received 
in  reply,  "  Well,  you  see,  doctor,  the  things  what 
he  eats  gits  sorter  tangled  round  his  heart,  and 
he  suffers  awful." 

A  medical  writer  has  lately  asserted  that 
physic  is  the  art  of  amusing  the  patient,  while 
nature  cures  the  disease. 


170  American  lUit  anD  Ibumot 

A  doctor  went  out  for  a  day's  sport,  and  com- 
plained of  having  killed  nothing.  "That's  the 
consequence  of  having  neglected  your  business," 
observed  his  wife. 

"  May  I  leave  a  few  tracts?  "  asked  a  travel- 
ing quack  doctor  of  a  lady  who  responded  to  his 
knock.  "Leave  some  tracks?  Certainly  you 
may,"  said  .she,  looking  at  him  most  benignly 
over  her  specs;  "leave  them  with  the  heel 
toward  the  house,  if  you  please." 

Dr.  Ayers,  of  Cheever  Colony,  Kansas,  was 
seriously  injured  by  a  well  caving  in  on  him. 
Served  him  right.  He  should  have  attended  to 
the  sick  and  let  the  well  alone. 

A  gravedigger,  walking  in  the  streets  of 
Windsor  the  other  day  chanced  to  turn  and 
noticed  two  doctors  walking  behind  him.  He 
stopped  till  they  passed  and  then  followed  on 
behind  them.  "And  why  this?"  asked  they. 
"I  know  my  place  in  this  procession,"  said  he. 

A  young  man  of  a  fast  turn,  and  looking  like 
anything  but  a  doctor,  complains  that  all  his 
tradesmen  are  determined  to  give  him  the  title 
of  Dr.,  but  they  put  the  Dr.  after  his  name  in- 
stead of  before  it. 


Bmerfcan  TKnit  an&  "fcumot  i7i 

"John,"  asked  a  doctor  of  the  apothecary's 
boy,  "did  Mrs.  Green  get  the  medicine  I  or- 
dered?" "I  guess  so,"  replied  the  boy,  "for 
I  saw  crape  on  the  door  knob  this  morning." 

Doctor  to  an  acquaintance,  "  Mrs.  Jones,  I 
am  glad  to  see  you  have  recovered."  Mrs. 
Jones,  "  Yes,  you  have  saved  my  life,  how  can 
I  thank  you  sufficiently?"  Doctor,  "  I  saved 
your  life?  Why,  I  didn't  attend  you."  MrsJ 
Jones,  "  Yes  ;  and  that  is  why  I  am  so  grateful."' 


CHAPTER  X 

Editors 

"  A  fool  must  now  and  then  be  bright  by  a  chance." 

A  Georgia  editor  was  bitten  by  a  dog,  being 
evidently  mistaken  for  a  bone. 

A  rural  editor,  wishing  to  be  severe  upon  an 

exchange,  remarks,  "  The  subscriber  of  the 

in  this  place  tried  a  few  days  ago,  to  carry  home 
some  lard  in  a  copy  of  that  paper ;  but  on 
reaching  home,  found  that  the  concentrated  lie 
had  changed  it  to  soap." 

A  western  editor  reports  money  close,  but  not 
close  enough  to  be  reached. 

The  Colorado  papers  are  boasting  of  the 
wonderful  recuperative  qualities  of  their  climate, 
and  quote,  as  an  instance,  the  case  of  an  Ohio 
lady  who  was  unable  to  sweep  a  room  with  a 
broom  at  home,  but  she  had  not  been  in  Colo- 
rado a  month  before  she  chased  her  husband  a 
mile  with  a  pitchfork. 

172 


american  mit  and  Ibumor  173 

A  Georgia  editor  who  had  his  pistol  stolen  is 
willing  if  ihe  thief  returns  it,  to  give  him  the 
contents. 

A  Troy  editor  took  his  wife  to  New  York  the 
other  day.  The  conductor,  when  he  came 
along,  recognized  our  Troy  brother  as  entitled 
to  a  free  passage,  but  not  knowing  the  lady 
whispered  to  him :  "  Is  this  lady  a  friend  of 
yours?"  "No,  no,"  said  the  Troy  editor  in 
haste,  "she  is  my  wife." 

The  proprietor  of  a  certain  newspaper  walks 
five  miles  every  morning  to  keep  up  his  circu- 
lation. 


A  man  in  an  adjoining  county  died  recently 
who  had  taken  his  county  paper  for  twelve  years 
without  paying  for  it.  Upon  the  day  of  his 
burial  the  kind-hearted,  forgiving  editor  called 
to  see  him  for  the  last  time  and  stuffed  a  linen 
duster  and  a  couple  of  palm  leaf  hats  into  the 
coffin.  He  was  preparing  him  for  a  warmer 
climate. 

A  Michigan  editor  calls  another  a  sniveling- 
headed  idiot.  Nothing  could  be  worse  but  an 
idiot-headed  snivel. 


174  Hmcrlcan  TKIlft  anD  "fcumot 

A  western  editor,  recently  married,  states  edi- 
torially, "We  are  living  at  this  moment  under 
absolute  despotism." 

An  editor  narrowly  escaped  having  his  pocket 
picked  of  $10,000  in  a  crowd  in  Philadelphia 
last  week.  The  thief  got  off  with  his  wallet,  but 
unfortunately  it  only  contained  sixteen  cents 
and  a  receipt  for  making  paste  that  will  keep  six 
months  without  souring. 

A  southern  editor  says  that  mint  juleps  are 
coming,  and  they  won't  be  crowded  out  by  a 
press  of  other  matter  either. 

An  editor  and  his  wife  were  walking  out  in 
the  bright  moonlight  one  evening.  Like  all 
editors'  wives,  she  was  of  a  poetic  nature,  and 
said  to  her  mate :  "  Notice  that  moon ;  how 
bright,  and  calm,  and  beautiful  !  "  "Couldn't 
think  of  noticing  it,"  returned  the  editor,  "  for 
anything  less  than  the  usual  rates — a  dollar  and 
fifty  cents  for  twelve  lines." 

An  Alabama  editor  winds  up  an  editorial  on 
the  corn  crop  with  the  remark,  "We  have  on 
exhibition  in  our  sanctum  a  pair  of  magnificent 
ears." 


american  "Omit  auD  Ibumoc  175 

A  Connecticut  editor  having  been  elected 
fence  viewer,  calls  on  all  who  have  fences  to  be 
viewed  to  bring  them  to  his  office,  under  penalty 
of  the  law. 

The  manufacture  of  paper  from  wood  has 
reached  the  altitude  of  perfection  in  Canada. 
The  superintendent  of  a  mill  up  there  says,  "  a 
tree  is  cut  down  and  shoved  into  one  end  of  a 
mill  and  five  minutes  later  there  is  a  neighbor  at 
the  other  end  to  borrow  the  paper." 

"We  have  no  room  for  all  this,"  said  our 
night  editor,  glancing  despairingly  at  a  two- 
column  obituary,  "it  must  be  cut  down  to 
proper  die-mention. 

When  an  editor  makes  a  mistake  in  his  paper 
all  the  world  sees  it,  and  calls  him  a  liar.  When 
a  private  citizen  makes  a  mistake,  nobody  knows 
it  except  a  few  friends  and  they  come  around 
and  ask  the  editor  to  keep  it  out  of  the  paper. 
When  the  private  citizen  dies,  the  editor  is 
asked  to  write  of  all  his  good  qualities  and  leave 
out  the  bad.  When  the  editor  dies,  the  private 
citizen  says  :  "  Now  that  old  liar  will  get  his  de- 
serts." 


176  amcrican  lUllt  anD  •fcumor 

A  burglar  entered  the  house  of  a  country 
editor  the  other  night.  After  a  terrible  struggle 
the  editor  succeeded  in  robbing  him. 

A  western  publisher  lately  gave  notice  that  he 
intended  so  spend  fifty  dollars  for  a  new  head 
for  his  paper.  The  next  day  one  of  his  sub- 
scribers dropped  him  the  following  note : 
"Don't  do  it — better  keep  the  money  and  buy 
a  new  head  for  the  editor." 

A  man  sued  an  Ohio  editor  for  ;^io,ooo 
damages  and  was  awarded  one  cent.  It  beats 
all  how  accurately  a  jury  will  occasionally  size 
up  an  editor's  pile. 

"  I  apologize  for  saying  you  could  not  open 
your  mouth  without  putting  your  foot  in  it," 
said  the  editor,  sternly  regarding  the  horsewhip 
she  held  over  his  head.  "I  solemnly  assure 
you  that  when  I  said  it  I  had  no  idea  of  the  size 
of  your  foot." 

"There!  "  triumphantly  exclaimed  a  Dead- 
wood  editor,  as  a  bullet  came  through  the 
window  and  shattered  the  inkstand,  "  I  knew 
that  that  new  '  Personal '  column  would  be  a 
success." 


american  TUait  and  Ibumor  177 

"AVomen,  wake    up!"     says    Mrs.     Cady 

Stanton,  and  a  ruffian  rural  editor  adds,  "  Yes, 

and  darn  it,  turn  out  and  build  a  fire  and  get 
breakfast." 

An  Arkansas  local  soliloquizes  thus:  "Some 
of  our  exchanges  are  publishing  as  a  curious 
item  a  statement  to  the  effect  that  a  horse  in 
Iowa  pulled  the  plug  out  of  the  bunghole  of  a 
barrel  for  the  purpose  of  slacking  his  thirst." 
We  do  not  see  anything  extraordinary  in  the  oc- 
currence. Now,  if  the  horse  had  pulled  the 
barrel  out  of  the  bunghole  and  slacked  its  thirst 
with  the  plug,  or  if  the  barrel  had  pulled  the 
bunghole  out  of  the  plug  and  slacked  its  thirst 
with  the  horse,  or  if  the  plug  had  pulled  the 
horse  out  of  the  barrel  and  slacked  its  thirst 
with  the  bunghole,  or  if  the  bunghole  had 
pulled  the  thirst  out  of  the  horse  and  slacked 
the  plug  with  the  barrel,  or  if  the  barrel  had 
pulled  the  horse  out  of  the  bunghole  and  plugged 
its  thirst  with  a  slake,  it  might  be  worth  while  to 
make  some  fuss  over  it. 

A  contemporary  thus  sensibly  talks  :  "  How 
young  men  can  consent  to  loaf  about  the  corners 
as  they  do,  when  a  good  dose  of  strychnine  can 
be  bought  for  sixpence  is  really  surprising." 


178  amertcan  "UUtt  anD  Ibumor 

A  western  editor  says  that  water  has  tasted 
strong  of  sinners  ever  since  the  deluge,  and 
that's  the  why  he  takes  whiskey  in  his'n. 

"How,"  writes  Ethel,  "are  we  to  tell  the 
perfect  gentleman  ?  "  "  Just  come  into  the  office 
anytime,  Ethel,  when  we  are  not  busy,  and  set 
yourself  right  down  in  the  chair  by  our  desk, 
and  tell  it  to  us  as  freely  as  you  would  to  your 
mother.     You  can  depend  on  us,  Ethel." 

The  editor  who  was  told  that  his  last  article 
was  as  clear  as  mud,  replied,  "  Well,  that  covers 
the  ground,  anyhow." 

A  Baptist  paper  in  Ohio  was  sent  for  nine 
years  to  a  subscriber  who  never  paid  a  cent  for 
it.  The  other  day  the  newspaper  was  returned 
to  the  patient  and  long-suffering  publisher,  with 
the  affecting  pencil  note  on  its  margin,  "Gone 
to  a  better  world."  The  editor  is  a  very  pious 
man,  but  it  is  reported  that  his  faith  is  terribly 
shaken  in  regard  to  the  accuracy  of  the  informa- 
tion. 

An  editor  who  has  given  up  trying  to  please 
everybody,  says :  "  Even  if  I  sound  the  praise 
of  my  own  Maker  the  devil  would  be  offended." 


Hmerlcan  "GUllt  auD  f)umor  179 

A  country  editor  thinks  that  Richelieu  who 
declared  that  the  pen  is  mightier  than  the  sword, 
ought    to   have   spoken    a   good    word    for  the 


An  editor  says :  "We  don't  mind  recording 
the  deaths  of  people  without  being  paid  for  our 
trouble  ;  but  panegyrics  on  the  dead  must  be 
paid  for.  We  positively  cannot  send  people  to 
Paradise  for  nothing." 

The  Boston  Post  man  indignantly  exclaims  : 
"The  assertion  that  we  attended  a  ball  game 
Sunday  is  false.     We've  got  the  fish  to  prove  it." 

A  Yankee  editor  throws  up  the  sponge  with 
the  remark  "  that  it  don't  pay  to  run  a  paper  in 
a  town  where  the  business  men  read  almanacs, 
and  pick  their  teeth  with  the  tail  of  a  herring." 

The  editor  of  a  Nashville  paper  is  accused  by 
his  neighbors  of  having  caught  cold  while  sleep- 
ing in  church  with  his  pew  door  open. 

A  man  was  recently  knocked  down  and  nearly 
killed  in  Massachusetts,  all  for  the  sum  of  one 
dollar.  The  time  is  slowly  but  surely  approach- 
ing when  even  an  editor  won't  be  safe. 


180  Bmcrfcan  TKIlit  anO  "toumor 

The  editor  of  a  St.  Louis  paper  recently  in- 
sisted that  poets  must  be  brief.  The  next  day 
he  received  the  following,  entitled,  "  The  Ballad 
of  the  Merchant:   Trust — Bust." 

The  first  day  Artemus  Ward  entered  Toledo, 
travel-worn  and  seedy,  he  said  to  an  editor  who 
was  on  the  street,  "  Mister,  where  could  I  get  a 
good  dinner  for  a  shilling  ?  "  He  was  told  ;  and 
then  inquired,  "  I  say,  mister,  where  could  I  get 
the  shilling  ?  " 

Jason  Welch,  of  Iowa,  got  mad  and  stopped 
his  newspaper,  and  then  because  the  withdrawal 
of  his  patronage  didn't  kill  the  paper  he  went 
and  killed  himself. 

An  irate  western  editor  lately  wrote  to  a  con- 
tributor :  "If  you  do  not  stop  sending  me  such 
abominable  poetry,  I'll  print  a  piece  of  it  some 
day  with  your  name  appended  in  full,  and  send 
a  copy  to  your  girl." 

An  editor,  who  speaks  with  the  air  of  a  man 
who  has  discovered  a  new  fact  by  experience, 
says  that  the  only  way  to  prevent  bleeding  of 
the  nose  is  to  keep  the  nose  out  of  other  people's 
business. 


Bmerican  llHit  anD  Ibuinoc  181 

A  correspondent  of  a  paper  having  described 
the  Oiiio  as  a  sickly  stream,  the  editor  appended 
the  remark:  "That's  so,  it's  confined  to  its 
bed." 

A  country  editor  cannot  be  as  bold  and  inde- 
pendent in  his  paper  as  his  city  brother.  He 
has  to  collect  his  own  subscriptions,  and  almost 
everybody  in  the  country  keeps  a  dog. 

A  man  writes  to  an  editor  for  four  dollars, 
"because  he  is  so  infernally  short "  and  gets  in 
reply  the  heartless  response,  "Do  as  I  do;  stand 
up  in  a  chair." 

The  editor  of  the  Morehead  (D.  C.)  Star 
says  :  "  We  offer  special  inducement  to  our  sub- 
scribers who  club  together  and  send  in  any  lit- 
tle matter  of  eatables,  as  it  were." 

There  are  no  bouquets  about  a  newspaper 
office,  but  sometimes  the  contents  of  the  paste- 
cup  acquire  a  maturity  which  by  any  other  name 
would  swell  as  sweet. 

"  I  slept  in  an  editor's  bed  last  night, 
When  no  editor  chanced  to  be  nigh  : 
And  1  thought,  as  I  tumbled  that  editor's  nest, 
How  easily  editors  lie." 


182  Hmerican  112111  an5  Kumor 

Mr.  Greeley  had  a  passion  for  showing 
strangers  around  the  Tribune  estabHshment. 
One  day  a  couple  of  ladies  called  upon  him,  and 
desired  to  be  shown  around.  Mr.  Greeley  at 
the  time  was  in  the  counting  room  below  the 
sanctum.  The  sanctum  messenger  boy  had 
taken  occasion,  while  Mr.  Greeley  was  below, 
to  blow  through  the  speaking  tubes  to  the  com- 
posing room  above.  The  man  in  charge,  who 
felt  rather  gouty  that  day,  did  not  have  his 
feelings  improved  any  when,  in  response  to  his 
answer  to  Greeley's  supposed  "call,"  he  was 
fooled  by  the  office  boy,  who  asked  him  how  he 
felt,  or  some  other  trivial  question.  Two  or 
three  times  this  was  repeated  within  half  an 
hour,  and  he  at  last  resolved  to  get  square  with 
the  boy.  Soon  Mr.  Greeley  entered  his  sanctum 
with  the  ladies.  After  showing  them  about,  he 
said  :  "  You  see  these  pipes.  I  have  only  to 
blow  through  this  one,  and  the  man  in  charge 
of  the  composing  room  answers."  Beckoning 
for  one  of  the  ladies  to  approach,  he  blew 
through  the  pipe  and,  directed  her  to  place  her 
ear  to  the  mouthpiece  and  listen  to  the  answer, 
when  to  liis  surprise  and  consternation  there 
came  thundering  down  the  pipe:  "You  d — n 
little  rascal,  if  you  don't  get  away  from  that 
pipe  I  will  kick  your  head  clean  off." 


Bmerican  Mit  anD  Ibumoc  183 

The  Detroit  Free  Press  says  that  if  you  fire 
a  shot-gun  in  any  direction  in  this  country  you 
will  hit  a  poet ;  to  which  an  Ohio  editor  replies : 
"We  want  a  shot-gun." 

A  victim  of  Greeley's  handwriting  says  :  "If 
Horace  had  written  that  inscription  on  the  wall 
in  Babylon,  Belshazzar  would  have  been  a  good 
deal  more  scared  than  he  was." 

A  subscriber  wishing  to  stop  his  paper  wrote, 
"I  don't  want  your  newspaper  any  longer." 
To  which  the  editor  replied,  "  I  wouldn't  make 
it  any  longer  if  you  did." 

A  North  Carolina  editor  declares  that  the 
man  who  will  read  a  newspaper  three  or  four 
years  without  paying  for  it  will  pasture  a  goat 
on  the  grave  of  his  grandfather. 


CHAPTER  XI 

Soldiers 

"  There  is  a  skirmish  of  wit  between  them." 

A  SOLDIER  telling  his  mother  of  the  terrible 
fire  at  Chickamaiiga,  was  asked  by  her  why  he 
did  not  get  behind  a  tree.  "  Tree,"  said  he, 
"  there  wasn't  enough  for  the  officers  !  " 

George  Washington  was  once  at  a  dinner 
party,  where  his  host  had  set  him  with  his  back  to 
a  fiery  red-hot  stove.  Finding  it  quite  too  hot  for 
comfort,  after  some  squirming,  he  beat  a  retreat 
for  a  more  comfortable  position,  at  the  same 
time  explaining  the  reason.  "Why,"  said  the 
hostess,  jocularly,  "I  thought  an  old  general 
like  you  could  stand  fire  better  than  that."  "  I 
never  could  stand  a  fire  in  my  rear,"  replied 
the  general 

Once  during  the  war,  Barnum  was  at  Wash- 
ington exhibiting  Gen.  Tom  Thumb  and  Ad- 
miral Nutt.  Mr.  Lincoln  said:  "You  have 
some  pretty  small  generals,  but  I  think  I  can 
beat  you." 

184 


american  "Wait  anO  Ibumor  ia5 

Two  Confederate  soldiers  were  talking  to- 
gether, when  one  asked  the  other :  "  Where 
was  you  enduring  the  war?"  The  other  re- 
plied, "  I  was  twenty-four  months  in  the  army, 
sir."  "  Yaas,  wal,  where  was  you  enduring 
that  time?"  "I  was  twenty-three  months  in 
the  hospital."  "And  where  was  you  endurini; 
the.  other  month?"  "I  was  looking  for  the 
hospital." 

A  soldier  who  was  an  inveterate  joker  and 
punster,  having  had  his  nose,  left  cheek  and  a 
portion  of  his  chin  carried  away  by  a  shot,  was 
asked  by  some  of  his  comrades  if  they  could  do 
anything  for  him.  "Boys,"  said  he,  speaking 
as  well  as  he  could  in  his  mangled  condition, 
"  I  should  like  a  drink  of  water  mighty  well  if  I 
only  had  the  face  to  ask  for  it." 

During  the  occupation  of  Egypt  by  the 
British  army,  a  colonel  sauntering  outside  his 
camp,  near  Gezireh  palace,  was  hailed  by  a 
sentry.      "  You  must  not  go  there,  sir."      "  Do 

you  see  who  I  am — Colonel ?  "     "  Yes, 

sir,  I  know.  But  the  '  haram  ladies  '  are  living  in 
that  house,  and  the  orders  are  from  Sir  Garnet 
that  he  is  not  to  be  let  in  there  himself,  if  he 
wants  to." 


186  Bmerican  IKIllt  an?  Ibumcr 

A  political  orator  speaking  of  a  certain  gen- 
eral whom  he  admired,  said  he  was  always  on 
the  field  of  battle,  where  bullets  were  the 
thickest.  "Where  was  that?"  "In  the  am- 
munition wagon." 

When  Col.  Henry  Wilson  was  in  Boston,  rais- 
ing a  regiment,  during  the  war,  a  little  fellow 
one  day  presented  himself  at  headquarters  and 
asked  for  a  commission. 

"Have  you  ever  seen  service?"  asked  Col- 
onel Wilson. 

"  Yes,  colonel,  I  was  in  the  three  months 
service. 

"  Were  you  in  the  battle  of  Bull  Run  ?  " 

"  I  was,  colonel." 

Colonel  Wilson  has  a  delicate  vein  of  humor 
in  him ;  so,  winking  at  his  staff,  he  asked  : 

"  And  did  you  run  well?  " 

"  I  used  diligence,  colonel.  I  did  the  best  I 
could,  but  I  couldn't  keep  up  with  you  in  that 
hack." 

"General,"  said  an  American  major,  "I 
always  observe  that  those  persons  who  have  a 
great  deal  to  say  about  being  ready  to  shed  their 
last  drop  of  blood,  are  amazin'  partic'lar  about 
the  first  drop." 


Bmerican  Mit  anO  Ibumor  187 

Summing  up:  Captain,  "  What  is  the  charge, 
sergeant?"  Sergeant,  "  This  time  it's  drunken- 
ness, sir.  But  this  man  is  the  most  troublesome 
fellow  in  the  regiment,  sir.  He  goes  out  when 
he  likes  and  gets  drunk  when  he  likes ;  in  fact, 
he  acts  as  if  he  might  be  a  horficer  !  " 

During  the  recent  war  there  were  two  volmi- 
teers  lying  beneath  their  blankets  looking  up  at 
the  stars  in  a  Virginia  sky.  Says  Jack  :  "  What 
made  you  go  into  the  army,  Tom?  "  "  Well," 
replied  Tom,  "  I  had  no  wife,  and  I  loved  war. 
What  made  you  join  the  army.  Jack  ? ' ' 
"  Well,"  he  replied,  "  I  had  a  wife,  and  I  loved 
peace,  so  I  went  to  the  war." 

A  good  story  is  told  of  a  Quaker  volunteer 
who  was  in  a  Virginia  skirmish.  Coming  into 
pretty  close  quarters  with  a  Secessionist  he  re- 
marked :  "  Friend,  'tis  very  unfortunate,  but 
thee  standest  just  where  I  am  going  to  shoot," 
and  blazing  away,  down  came  his  man. 


CHAPTER  XII 

"  She's  all  my  fancy  painted  her, 
She's  lovely,  she's  divine." 

The  noblest  pursuit  of  woman — an  honest 
man. 

"Who  was  the  meekest  man?"  asked  a 
Sunday-school  teacher.  "  Moses."  "  Very  well ; 
who  was  the  meekest  woman  ?  "  "  Never  was 
any." 

Bacheloric  exclamation — A  lass  ! 
Maidenly  exclamation — Ah  men  ! 

A  somewhat  simple  woman  was  asked  whether 
her  husband  feared  God,  and  replied,  "  I  guess 
he  does,  for  he  never  goes  out  Sundays  without 
taking  his  gun  with  him." 

A  Come-home  husband  club,  four  feet  long 
with  a  brush  at  the  end  of  it,  has  been  formed 
by  the  ladies  of  a  western  city. 

188 


Bmetfcan  mit  anO  t>umor  189 

Consolation  for  old  maids — Misfortunes  never 
come  singly. 

A  near-sighted  man -was  riding  in  an  avenue 
car  the  other  day,  when  a  lady  opposite  bowed 
to  him.  He  returned  the  bow,  raised  his  hat, 
smiled  sweetly,  and  was  just  wondering  who  she 
was,  when  she  came  over  and  whispered  in  his 
ear:  "Oh!  I'll  fix  you  for  this,  old  man  !  " 
Then  he  knew  it  was  his  wife. 

It  is  as  difi&cult  for  a  woman  to  give  up  her 
glass  as  for  a  man. 

A  man  went  into  a  butcher's  shop,  and  find- 
ing the  owner's  wife  in  attendance,  in  the  ab- 
sence of  her  husband,  thought  he  would  have  a 
joke  at  her  expense,  and  said,  "  Madam  can 
you  supply  me  with  a  yard  of  pork?  "  "Yes, 
sir,"  said  she.  And  then  turning  to  a  boy,  she 
added,  "James,  give  that  gentleman  three  pigs' 
feet!" 

A  bachelor  says  that  if  you  hand  a  lady  a 
newspaper  with  a  scrap  cut  out  of  it,  not  a  line 
of  it  will  be  read,  but  every  bit  of  interest  the 
paper  possesses  is  centred  in  finding  out  what 
the  missing  scrap  contains. 


190  Bmerican  iMit  anO  t>umot 

A  wearied  young  lady  hastened  the  departure 
of  a  tedious  caller  by  remarking,  as  slie  looked 
out  of  the  window,  "I  think  we  are  going  to 
have  a  beautiful  sunrise." 

"Zachariah,"  said  Mrs.  Chandler,  "what 
smell  is  that?"  "Cloves."  "But  that 
other  smell?  "  "  Allspice."  "  But  isn't  there 
another?"  "Yes — apples."  "  And  just  one 
more?"  "Cider,  my  dear."  "Well,  Zach- 
ariah," said  she,  "if  you'd  only  drink  a  little 
brandy  now  you'd  make  a  good  mince  pie." 

It  isn't  always  the  flower  of  the  family  that 
makes  the  best  bread. 

A  Buffalo  paper  tells  of  a  lover  who  began  to 
propose  to  his  girl  just  as  his  horse  started  to 
run  with  the  sleigh.  Being  determined  to  have 
it  over  with  he  got  it  out  just  as  the  sleigh  struck 
a  mile  post.  The  girl  was  thrown  high  into  the 
air,  but  as  she  came  down  she  uttered  a  firm 
"Yes,  Charlie,"  and  then  fainted. 

It  is  time  to  stop  talking  about  the  softening 
influence  of  women.  A  Massachusetts  man  who 
has  four  wives  has  just  been  sent  to  the  peniten- 
tiary for  stealing  horses. 


amerlcan  Tttlllt  an&  fl)umor  i9i 

The  only  housework  that  some  girls  do  is 
when  they  begin  to  dust  around  after  a  beau. 

As  a  wife  was  holding  her  husband's  aching 
head  in  her  hands  one  morning,  she  asked : 
"Are  a  man  and  his  wife  one?"  "I  suppose 
so,"  said  the  husband.  "Then,"  rejoined  the 
wife,  "  I  came  home  drunk  last  night,  and  ought 
to  be  ashamed  of  myself." 

A  strong-minded  woman  will  always  be 
speaker  of  the  house. 

"I  didn't  at  all  expect  company  to-day," 
said  a  lady  to  her  visitors,  with  a  not  very 
pleasant  look,  "but  I  hope  you'll  make  your- 
selves at  home."  "Yes,  indeed,  indeed,"  re- 
plied one  of  them,  starting  off;  "I  will  make 
myself  at  home  as  quick  as  possible." 

Miss  Bacon,  who  lived  out  West,  knew  Beans 
and  married  him. 

A  Milwaukee  man  is  bent  on  going  to  sea. 
He  has  been  reading  the  Enoch  Arden  class  of 
stories  till  his  soul  is  fired  with  ambition  to  be 
wrecked  and  come  home  and  find  his  wife 
married  to  some  other  fellow. 


192  Bmerican  iXHt  an£>  Ibumor 

Some  girls  are  like  old  muskets ;  they  use  a 
good  deal  of  powder  but  won't  go  off. 

Young  lady  to  a  beau,  of  whose  company  she 
is  getting  tired  :  "I  hope  you  are  not  nervous, 
because  the  clock  has  a  queer  effect  on  people. 
All  my  gentlemen  acquaintance  start  when  it 
strikes  ten,  and  it's  just  going  to  strike :  so  if 
you  are  nervous  perhaps  you  had  better  go  home 
before  it  strikes."     He  went. 

A  spinster  says  she  has  faith  that  God  dis- 
poses, but  is  not  so  sure  that  man  proposes  ! 

A  clergyman  lately  addressed  his  female 
auditory  as  follows ;  "Be  not  proud  that  the 
blessed  Lord  paid  your  sex  the  distinguished 
compliment  of  appearing  first  to  a  female  after 
the  resurrection,  for  it  was  only  done  that  the 
glad  tidings  might  spread  all  the  sooner." 

It  has  been  noticed  that  nothing  makes  a 
woman  laugh  so  much  as  a  new  set  of  teeth. 

A  heartless  bachelor  gives  the  following  toast : 
"  Woman — the  morning  star  of  infancy,  the  day 
star  of  manhood,  the  evening  star  of  old  age ; 
bless  our  stars  and  may  they  always  be  kept  at  a 
telescopic  distance." 


Bmcrican  Mit  anD  Ibumor  193 

The  difference  between  a  woman  and  an  um- 
brella is,  that  you  can  shut  up  an  umbrella. 

A  young  man  in  Peoria  sought  to  secure  his 
sweetheart  by  strategy ;  so  he  took  her  out  for  a 
boat  ride  and  threatened  to  jump  overboard  into 
the  lake  if  she  wouldn't  marry  him.  It  did  not 
work.  She  offered  to  bet  him  a  dollar  that  he 
daren't  dive  in. 

A  Toledo  chap  was  quite  smitten  with  his 
neighbor's  wife.     She  did  it  with  a  roUin-pin. 

A  Bridgeport  lady  remained  too  long  on  a 
train  to  kiss  a  female  friend,  and  trying  to  get 
off  after  it  had  started,  was  thrown  violently  on 
her  face.  "  If  ever  I  kiss  anybody  again!" 
said  she,  vengefully,  as  she  arose  ;  ''  any  woman 
at  least,"  she  thoughtfully  added. 

Our  young  ladies  are  never  behind  the  fash- 
ions ;  but  the  fashions  are  very  much  behind 
the  ladies. 

An  exquisite  lady  inquired  at  a  dry  goods 
store  in  Lewistown,  Me.,  for  a  piece  of  goods 
of  the  slumbering  shade.  The  clerk  replied 
that  he  had  none  in  the  store,  but  he  believed 
there  were  several  pieces  snoring  at  the  depot. 


rj4  Bmerican  lUit  and  Ibumor 

Matchless  Maid,  is  the  way  a  presumptuous 
young  man  addressed  a  lady  of  a  very  uncertain 
age. 

Mrs.  Millis  was  asked  the  other  day  how  she 
managed  to  get  along  so  nicely  with  Mr.  Millis, 
and  frankly  replied:  "Oh,  I  feed  him  well. 
When  a  woman  marries,  her  happiness  for  a  lit- 
tle while  depends  upon  the  state  of  her  hus- 
band's heart;  after  that,  it's  pretty  much  ac- 
cording to  the  state  of  his  stomach.' 

Dr.  Holmes  says  that  crying  widows  marry 
first.  There  is  nothing  like  wet  weather  for 
transplanting. 

A  nice  old  lady,  apparently  just  arrived  on  a 
train  from  the  country,  entered  the  refreshment 
rooms  at  the  Springfield,  Mass.,  railroad  station, 
the  other  day,  and  said,  she  had  left  her  para- 
sol on  the  settee.  A  general  search  commenced 
and  lasted  for  some  time.  Finally  one  of  the 
waiters  asked  the  old  dame  "  when  she  left  it,"  to 
which  she  answered,  after  counting  upon  her 
fingers,  "  Well,  it  was  just  three  years  ago  last 
Fourth  of  July."  There  was  a  general  roar 
much  to  the  astonishment  of  the  old  lady,  who 
went  away  with  a  very  puzzled  look  upon  her 
countenance. 


Hmetican  Mit  anO  Mumor  im 

"  Do  make  yourselves  at  home,  ladies,"  said  a 
lady  one  day  to  her  visitors.  "I'm  at  home 
myself,  and  I  wish  you  all  were." 

Fanny  Fern  says  that  when  she  sees  a  pretty 
man,  with  an  apple  head,  and  raspberry  mous- 
tache with  six  hairs  in  it,  paint  on  his  cheeks, 
and  a  little  dot  of  a  goatee  on  his  chin,  with 
pretty  little  blinking  studs  in  his  shirt  bosom, 
and  a  little  neck-tie  that  looks  as  if  it  would 
faint  if  it  were  rumpled,  she  always  feels  a  de- 
sire to  nip  him  with  a  pair  of  sugar  tongs,  drop 
him  gently  into  a  pot  of  cream  and  strew  pink 
rose  leaves  over  the  little  remains. 

When  a  young  lady  offers  to  hem  a  cambric 
handkerchief  for  a  rich  bachelor  she  means  to 
sew  in  order  that  she  may  reap. 

Country  bookseller  to  Fourth  street  woman, 
"Yes;  but  the  work  is  both  instructive  and 
humorous."  Fourth  street  woman,  "That  ain't 
the  point.  You  see  my  husband  has  crippled  so 
many  agents,  and  you're  a  nice  looking  young 
man,  and  I  hate  to  see  you  hurt !  That's  him 
coming  in  the  back  way  !  "  The  young  man  said 
there  was  nothing  compulsory  about  it,  and  was 
gone. 


196  American  lUlit  anO  •fcumor 

Lately  a  western  young  lady  had  occasion  to 
infomi  a  young  gentleman  that  her  hand  was 
not  a  lemon. 

A  lady  returning  from  an  unprofitable  visit  to 
church  declared  that  when  she  saw  the  shawls 
of  those  Smiths,  and  then  thought  of  the  things 
her  own  poor  girls  had  to  wear,  if  it  wasn't  for 
the  consolation  of  religion  she  did  not  know 
what  she  should  do. 

How  to  become  practically  acquainted  with 
the  Rule  of  Three — Live  with  your  wife,  mother, 
and  mother-in-law. 

There  was  a  New  York  husband  who  went  to 
Paris  often,  without  his  wife,  and  with  his  weak- 
nesses ;  but  he  always  brought  her  back  some 
choice  gem  of  a  present,  a  silk  gown,  a  box  of 
gloves,  or  a  "  duck  of  a  bonnet."  On  his  last 
return  he  was  more  bountiful  than  ever,  surpris- 
ing her  with  a  magnificent  lace  shawl  that  must 
have  cost  $700  or  ^800.  "What  a  dear,  gen- 
erous husband  you  are,  Charley,"  said  she,  her 
soul  gloating  in  anticipation  at  the  envy  of  all 
her  rivals,  "but  really,  how  bad  you  must  have 
been  in  Paris  this  last  time  !  "  Charley  whistled, 
and  thought  it  was  time  to  go  "  down  town." 


amcrican  Mit  anO  "fcumor  197 

An  Iowa  lady  believes  in  life  insurance,  as  by- 
its  agency  she  has  realized  ^50,000  off  two  hus- 
bands, and  not  very  good  ones  at  that. 

A  writer  in  the  Milwaukee  Sentinel  deserves 
the  respectful  sympathy  of  all  gentlemen  who 
give  out  their  washing.  He  says  :  "  It  is  awful 
annoying  to  have  some  other  fellow's  clothes  left 
in  one's  room  by  the  washerwoman.  Saturday 
we  put  on  another  fellow's  shirt,  but  couldn't 
wear  it.  Although  it  was  ruffled  around  the 
bottom,  the  sleeves  were  too  short  to  button 
cuffs  on,  and  there  was  no  place  for  a  collar." 

An  elderly  lady,  who  lives  a  short  distance 
from  Hudson,  hearing  it  said  that  matches  were 
made  in  heaven,  remarked  that  she  didn't  care 
how  soon  she  got  there. 

Jones  and  his  wife  were  always  quarreling 
about  their  comparative  talent  for  keeping  a  fire. 
She  insisted  that  just  so  surely  as  he  tried  to  re- 
arrange the  sticks  with  the  tongs  he  put  the  fire 
out.  One  night  the  church  bells  sounded  an 
alarm,  and  Jones  sprang  for  his  fire  bucket, 
eager  to  rush  to  the  conflagration.  "Mr. 
Jones,"  cried  his  wife,  as  he  reached  the  door, 
"  Mr.  Jones  !     Take  the  tongs." 


198  American  limit  anO  Ibumor 

A  New  York  man  has  christened  his  daughter 
Glycerine.  He  says  it  will  be  easy  to  prefix 
nitro  if  her  temper  resembles  her  mother's. 

A  very  dirty,  debased  and  ignorant  looking 
man  came  in  to  vote  in  a  township  of  Michigan. 
Said  one  of  the  ladies,  offering  him  a  ballot, 
"I  wish  you  would  oblige  us  by  voting  this 
ticket."  "  What  kind  of  a  ticket  is  that  ?  "  said 
he.  "  Why,"  said  the  lady,  "  you  can  see  your- 
self." "But  I  can't  read,"  he  answered. 
"  Why,  can't  you  read  the  ballot  you  have  there 
in  your  hand  which  you  are  about  to  vote  ?  "  the 
lady  asked.  "No,"  said  he,  "I  can't  read  at 
all."  "Well,"  said  the  lady,  "this  ballot  means 
that  you  are  willing  to  let  the  women  as  well  as 
the  men  vote."  "Is  that  it?"  he  replied, 
"then  I  don't  want  it,  the  women  don't  know 
enough  to  vote." 

A  fair  and  buxom  New  England  widow  who 
had  buried  three  husbands  recently  went  with 
a  gentleman,  who  paid  her  marked  attention,  to 
inspect  the  graves  of  her  dear  departeds.  After 
contemplating  them  in  mournful  silence  she  mur- 
mured to  her  companion,  "Ah,  James,  you 
might  have  been  in  that  row  now  if  you  had 
only  had  a  little  more  courage." 


Bmcrican  ICllt  anO  Ibumor  199 

Miss  Tomkins  says  that  every  unmarried  lady 
of  forty  has  passed  the  Cape  of  Good  Hope. 

An  old  lady  of  Connecticut,  who  lost  her 
purse  a  short  time  since  at  New  Haven,  declared 
on  its  being  restored  to  her  that  she  would  not 
attempt  to  interfere  with  the  reward  that  was 
stored  up  in  heaven  for  the  finder,  by  offering 
him  money. 

Young  Lady  (at  the  post  office), — "  If  I  don't 
get  a  letter  by  this  mail,  I  want  to  know  what 
he  was  doing  Sunday,  that's  all." 

"  When  I  goes  a-shopping,"  said  an  old  lady, 
"I  allers  ask  for  what  I  wants,  and  if  they 
have  it,  and  it  is  suitable,  and  I  feel  inclined  to 
buy  it,  and  it  is  cheap,  and  can't  be  got  for 
less,  I  most  allers  take  it,  without  clappering  all 
day  about  it,  as  some  people  do." 

A  crusty  old  bachelor's  objection  to  ladies 
with  beautiful  teeth  is  that  nine  out  of  ten  of 
them  would  laugh  at  a  funeral. 

Josh  Billings  cannot  see  what  women  want 
any  more  rights  for ;  she  beat  the  first  man  born 
into  the  world  out  of  a  dead  sure  thing,  and  she 
can  beat  the  last  man  with  the  same  cards. 


200  Hmerican  Vulit  anD  Ibumor 

There  is  a  young  lady  in  Yorkshire  namec? 
Price  who  is  six  feet  five  inches  high.  Peopk 
say  there  are  women  above  price. 

Recently  in  one  of  the  city  churches  the 
theme  was  the  creation.  In  one  of  the  aduU 
classes  the  teacher  inquired  why  God  created 
man  last ;  whereupon  a  married  lady  suggested 
that  is  was  evident  that  God  didn't  want  hin' 
bothering  around. 

The  woman  who  said  the  latest  thing  out  was 
her  husband,  was  answered  by  her  neighbor, 
who  said  that  her  husband  always  came  home 
early — before  any  one  was  up. 

A  girl  at  Osage,  Iowa,  whose  ears  are  grown 
up,  has  no  method  of  hearing  except  through 
her  mouth.  When  a  young  man  is  talking,  she 
keeps  saying  "yes,"  for  fear  he  might,  you 
know,  propose  to  her,  and  she  not  hear  it. 

A  finely  dressed  lady  slipped  and  fell,  and  the 
man  who  assisted  her  to  her  feet  inquired,  "  Did 
you  break  any  bones,  madam  ?  "  "  No,  I  guess 
not,"  she  replied  ;  "  but  I  am  just  as  mad  as  if  I 
had  broken  a  dozen  of  them." 


American  TlGlit  ano  Ibumor  201 

A  daily  paper  advertises  for  girls  for  cooking. 
A  cotemporary  replies:  "You  will  like  them 
raw  when  you  get  accustomed  to  them." 

Who  can  refrain  from  smiling  at  the  story  of 
the  young  lady  who,  after  delivering  a  lecture  in 
Springfield  the  other  evening  on  dress  reform, 
went  to  sit  down,  and  couldn't  get  within  six 
inches  of  the  chair? 

If  a  woman  could  talk  out  of  the  two  corners 
of  her  mouth  at  the  same  time,  there  would  be 
a  good  deal  to  be  said  on  both  sides. 

Olive  Logan  is  about  to  lecture  on  "Nice 
Young  Men,"  but  before  doing  so,  has  made 
arrangements  to  marry  one  of  them.  Wirt 
Sikes  is  the  victim,  but  fortunately  for  him,  he 
is  hard  of  hearing. 

A  western  exchange  says  Mishawaka  girls 
take  comfort  in  the  fact  that  Naomi,  daughter 
of  Enoch,  was  580  years  old  when  she  married. 

There  is  no  time  when  a  woman  so  thoroughly 
commands  the  respect  of  a  man  as  when  she  is 
about  to  throw  a  stone  at  a  hen.  Especially  is 
this  the  case  if  he  happens  to  be  standing  behind 
her,  and  is  lame  in  one  leg. 


202  american  TlUltt  anO  Ibumor 

Wives  are  presumptuous  creatures.  They 
always  ask  for  a  lock  of  their  lover's  hair  before 
marriage,  and  take  it  without  asking  afterward. 

"My  dear  Julia,"  said  one  pretty  girl  to 
another,  "can  you  make  up  your  mind  to 
marry  that  odious  Mr.  Snuff?"  "Why,  my 
dear  Mary,"  replied  Julia,  "I  believe  I  could 
take  him  at  a  pinch." 

Mrs.  Snidkins  says  her  husband  is  a  three- 
handed  man — right  hand,  left  hand  and  a  little 
behind  hand. 

The  following  toast  was  pronounced  at  a  fire- 
men's dinner,  and  was  received  Avith  great 
applause : 

"  The  ladies — their  eyes  kindle  the  only  flame 
against  which  there  is  no  insurance." 

A  good-natured  spinster  used  to  boast  that 
she  always  had  two  good  beaux — they  were 
elbows. 

A  young  lady  in  Kansas,  while  chewing  gum 
recently,  was  struck  with  paralysis  in  the  jaw 
and  rendered  speechless.  She  immediately  had 
four  proposals  on  the  spot. 


american  miit  anD  Ibumor  203 

A  Washington  woman  has  applied  to  be  ap- 
pointed a  constable,  despairing  of  catching  a 
man  in  any  other  way. 

A  young  lady  sent  the  following  epistle  to  her 
masculine  friend  the  other  day,  saying,  ' '  Come 
and  play  youcur  with  me  this  evening."  He 
got  mad,  and  said  the  girl  who  had  such  spells 
as  that  was  no  right  bower  for  him. 

The  old  maxim  that  "man  proposes,"  is 
flatly  contradicted  by  Massachusetts  spinsters 
who  only  wish  he  did. 

Said  a  gentleman  to  his  mistress,  "  You  are 
very  handsome."  ''Phooh!"  said  the  lady, 
"so  you  would  say  if  you  did  not  think  so." 
"And  so  you  would  think,"  answered  he, 
"  though  I  should  not  say  so." 

Somebody  advertises  for  a  good  girl  to  cook. 
We  have  seen  some  that  looked  good  enough  to 
eat  raw. 

Twenty-seven  Nashville  ladies  determined  to 
practice  economy,  vowed  not  to  wear  anything 
more  expensive  than  calico  dresses  to  church, 
and  stuck  to  it,  as  none  of  them  have  attended 
church  since. 


204  Hmerican  lUit  auD  "fcumor 

Twenty-one  girls  of  Kenosha,  Wis.,  have  re- 
solved, that  if  the  young  men  won't  con^  and 
see  us,  we  will  go  and  see  them. 

Lucy  writes  from  Brooklyn  to  say  that  she 
don't  object  to  a  good  looking  gentleman 
gazing  square  in  her  face,  but  that  it  does  make 
her  mad  when  she  looks  back  to  see  him  staring 
back  too. 

A  lady,  on  separating  from  her  husband, 
changed  her  religion,  she  said,  to  avoid  his 
company  in  the  next  world  as  well  as  this. 

An  exchange  says  the  majority  of  women  care 
but  little  about  suffrage.  If  the  backs  of  car 
seats  could  only  be  hollowed  out  so  as  to  admit 
of  their  bustles  lapping  over,  the  ballot  might  go 
to  thunder  for  all  they  care. 

If  there  is  one  time  more  than  another  when 
a  wojrian  should  be  entirely  alone  it  is  when  a 
line  full  of  clothes  conies  down  in  the  mud. 

An  Atchison,  Kan.,  girl  ate  four  pounds  of 
>vedding  cake  in  order  that  she  might  dream  of 
her  future  husband.  And  now  she  says  that 
money  wouldn't  hire  her  to  marry  the  man  she 
saw  in  that  dream. 


american  Mtt  an&  Ibuinor  205 

A  young  lady  being  asked  by  a  rich  old 
bachelor,  "If  not  yourself,  who  would  you 
rather  be?"  blushed,  as  she  sweetly  replied, 
"Yours,  truly." 

A  Boston  girl  being  asked  if  she  was  once 
engaged  to  a  Harvard  student  named  Jackson, 
languidly  replied,  "I  am  not  certain  about  the 
name." 

It  is  now  claimed  that  the  architect  of 
the  great  Chinese  wall  was  a  woman ;  but  a 
woman  wouldn't  do  anything  to  keep  men  out 
in  that  way. 

"  I'd  hate  to  be  in  your  shoes,"  said  a  woman 
yesterday,  as  she  was  quarreling  with  a  neighbor. 
"  You  couldn't  get  in  them,"  sarcastically  re- 
marked the  neighbor. 

In  a  letter  to  a  friend  a  Springfield  young 
lady  states  that  she  is  not  engaged,  but  she  sees 
a  cloud  above  the  horizon  about  as  large  as  a 
man's  hand. 


CHAPTER  Xlir 

Negro 

"  All  nature  wears  one  universal  grin." 

A  Chicago  negro  in  his  prayer,  remembered 
"  De  wliite  element  in  our  population." 

A  colored  gentleman  went  to  consult  one  of 
the  most  conscientious  lawyers,  and  after  stating 

the  case,  said,  "  Now,  Mr.  ,  I  know  you's 

a  lawyer,  but  I  wish  you  would  please,  sir,  jist 
tell  me  de  truf  'bout  dis  matter." 

"Bredren,"  said  a  darky  in  a  prayer-meet- 
ing, "  I  feel's  if  I  could  talk  more  good  in  five 
minutes  dan  I  could  do  in  a  year." 

As  four  or  five  darkies  were  passing  an  agri- 
cultural implement  store  down  south,  one  of 
them,  pointing  to  a  cultivator,  said  :  "A  man 
can  jist  sit  on  dat  thing  and  ride  while  he  is 
ploughing."  "Golly,"  replied  the  other,  "  de 
rascals  was  too  sharp  to  think  of  dat  'fore  de 
nigger  was  free." 

206 


Bmerican  *wmt  anJ)  Ibumor  207 

Little  darky  to  the  clerk  at  the  window  of  a 
southern  post  office:  "Does  dis  yer  pos'  ofifis 
keep  stamped  antelopes?" 

A  colored  preacher,  in  translating  to  his 
hearers  the  sentence,  ''The  harvest  is  over,  the 
season  is  ended,  and  thy  soul  is  not  saved," 
put  it :  "De  corn  has  been  cribbed,  dere  ain't 
any  more  work,  and  the  debbil  is  still  foolin' 
wid  dis  community." 

"What  is  de  use'n  a  man  boastin'  'bout  his 
fore  fadders?  I  know  de  great  gran'son  ob  a 
African  king  dat  is  now  cleanin'  out  wells  fur  a 
livin'." 

The  Rev.  Dr.  McCosh,  of  Princeton  college, 
tells  a  story  of  a  negro  who  prayed  earnestly 
that  he  and  his  colored  brethren  might  be  pre- 
served from  their  upsettin'  sins.  "Brudder," 
said  one  of  his  friends  at  the  close  of  the  meet- 
ing, "  you  ain't  got  de  hang  ob  dat  ar  word. 
It's  besettin',  not  upsettin'."  "  Brudder,"  re- 
plied the  other,  "if  dat's  so  it's  so.  But  I  was 
prayin'  de  Lord  to  save  us  from  de  sin  ob 
'toxication,  an'  ef  dat  ain't  an  upsettin'  sin  I 
dunno  what  am." 


208  American  lUlt  auD  Ibumor 

"  De  new  preacher  is  mo'  larnt  dan  Mistuh 
Boles  was;  but,  Lor'  bles.s  you,  sah  !  he  ain't 
got  de  doleful  sound  like  Mistuh  Boles  had. 
No,  indeed  y  !  " 

One-eyed  Winston  was  and  probably  is  now 
a  negro  preacher  in  Virginia,  and  his  ideas  of 
theology  and  human  nature  were  often  very 
original,  as  the  following  anecdote  may  prove. 
A  gentleman  thus  accosted  the  old  preacher  one 
Sunday:  "Winston,  I  understand  you  believe 
every  woman  has  seven  devils.  Now  how  can 
you  prove  it?"  "Well  sah,  did  you  ebber 
read  in  de  Bible  how  de  seben  debbels  were  cast 
out  'er  Mary  Magdalen?"  "Oh,  yes,  I've 
heard  of  that."  "Did  you  ebber  hear  of 'em 
being  cast  out  of  any  other  woman,  sah  ? ' ' 
"No,  I  never  did."  "  Well  den,  de  others  got 
'em  yet." 

A  bare-footed  darky  while  hoeing  cotton  one 
day,  saw  his  big  toe  under  a  clod,  and,  thinking 
it  was  a  mole's  head,  hit  it  and  hurt  himself. 
After  working  with  it  for  a  while  he  got  tired, 
set  his  foot  on  a  stump  and  said:  "Well,  jes 
pain  away  now;  I  doesn't  care,  you  hurts  yeself 
wusin  ye  do  me." 


Hmeiican  Mit  an?  Ibumor  2()9 

An  negro  teamster  in  Nashville  declares  that 
he  must  either  give  up  driving  mules  or  with- 
draw from  the  church,  the  two  positions  being 
incompatible. 

An  old  darky  who  was. asked  if  in  his  ex- 
perience prayer  was  ever  answered,  replied : 
"Well,  sah,  some  pra'rs  is  ansud  an'  some  isn't 
— 'peuds  on  what  you  asks  fo'.  Jest  arter  de 
wah,  w'en  it  was  mighty  hard  scratchin'  fo'  de 
culled  bredden,  I  'dsarved  dat  w'enebber  I  pway 
de  Lo'd  to  sen'  one  o'  Marse  Peyton's  fat 
turkeys  fo'  de  ole  man,  dere  was  no  notice  took 
ob  de  partition  ;  but  w'en  I  pway  dat  He  would 
sen'  de  ole  man  fo'  de  turkey,  de  mattee  was 
'tended  to  befo'  sun-up  nex  mornin',  dead 
sartin." 

"Did  you  see  dat  hoss  you  was  talkin'  of 
buyin' ?  "  asked  one  Austin  darky  of  another. 
"  Yes,  I  seed  him."  "  Did  you  buy  de  hoss  ?  " 
"No,  I  didn't  buy  him,  bekase  dar  was  no 
mutuality."  "What  do  yer  mean,  niggah  ?  " 
"Dar  was  no  mutuality.  I  seed  enuff  ob  de 
hoss,  but  de  hoss  didn't  see  enuff  ob  me.  He 
was  blinn  in  one  eye.  Dar  has  to  be  more 
mutuality  in  a  hoss  trade." 


210  American  TlWtt  anJ)  Ibumor 

A  colored  Mrs.  Partington  of  New  Orleans 
observed  the  other  day  that  her  husband  held 
the  "stinguished  position  of  stupidnumerary  on 
the  metropelican  police." 

A  colored  man  was  once  asked  why  he  did 
not  get  married.  "Why,  you  see,  sah,"  said 
he,  "I  got  an  old  mudder,  an'  I  hab  to  do  for 
her  you  see,  sah,  an'  ef  I  didn't  buy  her  shoes 
and  stockings,  she  wouldn't  get  none.  Now  ef 
I  was  to  git  married,  I  would  hab  to  buy  dem 
tings  for  my  wife,  and  dat  would  be  takin'  de 
shoes  an'  stockings  right  out  of  my  old  mudder's 
mouf." 

A  exchange  tells  of  a  negro  who  insisted  that 
his  race  was  mentioned  in  the  Bible.  He  said 
he  had  heard  the  preacher  read  about  how  Nig- 
ger Demus  wanted  to  be  born  again. 

"  Sam,  why  don't  you  talk  to  massa,  and  tell 
him  to  lay  up  treasures  in  heaven?"  "  What 
de  use  ob  laying  up  treasures  dar,  where  he 
neber  see  um  again  !  " 

"  Howdy,  Aunt  Maria,"  said  a  Georgia  lady 
to  an  old  colored  lady.  "I  ain't  yer  ant, 
missus,"  loftily  replied  the  aged  female,  "and  I 
ain't  yer  uncle.     I'se  yer  ekal !  " 


Bmerican  Mit  anO  Ibumor  211 

The  present  style  of  weather  recalls  the  re- 
mark of  a  sable  brother,  that  he  had  mos'  allers 
noticed  if  he  hved  fro  de  month  of  March  he 
lived  fro  de  year. 

A  minister  had  a  negro  in  his  family.  One 
Sunday  when  he  was  preaching,  he  happened  to 
look  in  the  pew  where  the  negro  was,  and  could 
hardly  contain  himself  as  he  saw  the  negro,  who 
could  not  read  or  write  a  word,  scribbling  away 
most  industriously.  After  meeting,  he  said  to 
the  negro  :  * '  Tom,  what  were  you  doing  in  the 
church?"  ''Taking  notes,  massa ;  all  de 
gemmen  take  notes. "  "  Br ing  your  notes  here, ' ' 
said  his  master.  Tom  brought  his  notes,  which 
looked  more  like  Chinese  than  English.  "  Why, 
Tom,  this  is  all  nonsense."  "I  thought  so, 
massa,  all  the  time  you  was  preaching  it." 

A  couple  of  members  of  the  darky  con- 
ference were  passing  down  the  avenue,  when  one 
of  them  trod  on  the  indigestible  portion  of  a 
pear,  and  as  his  number  elevens  went  up  the 
rest  of  his  body  correspondingly  lowered.  "  Ki 
yah,  brudder  Jones,  is  you  fallen  from  grace  ?  " 
chuckled  his  companion.  "  Not  perzactly, 
deacon,  I'se  sittin'  on  de  ragged  edge  of  dis 
pear." 


21-3  Bmcrican  Idtt  anO  tbumot 

"  De  shanghigh  chicken  'minds  me  ob  certain 
men  dat  I'se  seed.  He  crows  might  loud  an' 
brags  around  'mong  de  hens  an'  young  chick- 
ens ;  but  when  a  game  rooster  around,  he's  got 
business  on  de  udder  side  ob  de  fence." 

An  old  negro  named  Pete  was  very  much 
troubled  about  his  sins.  Perceiving  him  one 
day  with  a  very  downcast  countenance  his 
master  asked  him  the  cause.  "Oh,  massa,  I'm 
such  a  great  sinner!"  "But  Pete,"  said  his 
master,  "  you  are  foolish  to  take  it  so  to  heart. 
You  never  see  me  troubled  about  my  sins." 
"  I  know  the  reason,  massa,"  said  Pete,  "  when 
you  go  out  duck  shooting  and  kill  one  duck  and 
wound  another,  dcn't  you  run  after  the 
wounded  duck?"  "Yes,  Pete;"  and  the 
master  wondered  what  was  coming  next. 
"Well,  massa,  dat  is  de  way  wid  you  an'  me. 
De  debil  has  got  you  sure ;  but,  as  he  am  not 
sure  of  me,  he  chases  dis  chile  all  de  time." 

An  old  darky  fishing  on  a  wharf  at  Galveston 
was  heard  talking  to  the  fish  he  saw  swimming 
around  his  line  in  this  fashion  :  "Give  me  a 
bite,  honey ;  de  children  am  a  crying  down  to 
my  house,  and  I  tell  you  it's  fish  or  nothin'  in 
dat  establishment." 


amerlcan  lUlit  auD  Ibumor  213 

A  negress  speaking  of  one  of  her  children 
who  was  lighter  colored  than  the  rest  said,  "I 
nebber  could  bear  dat  brat  'cause  he  show  dirt 
so  easy." 

An  old  negro  waiter  who  met  Governor  Vance 
in  a  hotel  in  Philadelphia  was  a  good  theologian. 
The  governor  had  known  him  "down  south," 
and,  having  made  a  few  pleasant  remarks  began 
to  twit  him  about  religious  matters.  "  Well 
now,  Joe,"  said  the  governor,  "do  you  really 
believe  in  this  election  by  God,  that  you  speak 
of?"  "Deed  I  do,  Massa  Vance,"  said  the 
negro,  seriously,  with  a  shake  of  the  head. 
"  Well,  do  you  think  I  am  elected  to  be  saved  ?  " 
" 'Scasely  know,  Massa  Vance;  but  I  nebber 
heard  of  any  one  being  'lected  that  wasn't  a 
canderdate." 

A  St.  Louis  lady  has  a  lovely  daughter,  and 
takes  boarders.  One  of  the  nice  young  men  is 
sweet  on  Bella,  and  coming  home  the  other 
night  he  saw  a  light,  graceful  form  sweep  past 
him  in  the  hall  and  heard  the  seductive  rustle 
of  crinoline.  He  knew  that  form  and  clasped 
it  to  his  heart,  imprinting  impassioned  kisses  on 
its  lips,  he  dropped  it  when  he  heard  these 
words  :  "  Hurry  up,  massa  George.  I's  got  to 
hurry  after  soft  soap." 


214  Bmeclcan  "WlUt  anD  jHumoc 

A  negro  was  put  upon  the  stand  as  a  witness, 
and  the  judge  inquired  if  he  understood  the  na- 
ture of  an  oath.  "  For  certing,  boss,"  said  the 
citizen;  "  if  /  swear  to  a  lie,  /  must  stick  to 
him  !  " 

"I  say,  mammy,  didn't  yo'  tell  Peleg  dat  he 
mustn't  go  in  bavin?"  "  Yo're  right,  I  did, 
chile  !  has  yo'  been  disobeyin'  my  'structions, 
Peleg?"  "No,  mammy,  I  hasn't!  I  'clare  to 
goodness  I  hasn't  been  in  bavin.  Yo'  see  I  put 
on  Uncle  Josh's  britches  by  mistake  dis  mornin', 
an'  dere  were  sich  a  heap  o'  looseness  to  'em 
that  when  I  un'ertook  ter  jump  ober  de  brook 
dey  dropped  off  an'  I  hatter  guin  arter  'em. 
Oh,  no,  I  hasn't  been  bavin,  mammy  !  " 

An  old  negro  woman  in  Kentucky  was  heard 
to  exclaim  :  "  Thomas  Jefferson,  you  and  James 
Madison  come  into  the  house,  and  bring  Abe 
Lincoln  along  with  you,  or  I'll  reach  for  you, 
suah." 

A  Florida  negro  mistook  a  mule  for  a  ghost, 
and  poked  it  with  a  stick.  The  verdict  re- 
turned was  that  he  came  to  his  death  by  using 
too  short  a  stick  in  probing  the  unknowable  for 
evidences  of  a  future  existence. 


amerlcan  Mlt  anD  'toumot  215. 

A  negro  witness  in  a  trial  the  other  day  was 
asked  what  he  was  doing  in  a  certain  saloon  at 
a  certain  time.  He  explained  that  he  had  gone 
there  to  change  his  breff.  The  explanation  was 
accepted. 


Two  colored  preachers  were  in  the  pulpit 
together.  While  one  was  preaching  he  hap- 
pened to  say,  "When  Abraham  built  the  ark." 
The  one  behind  him  strove  to  correct  his 
blunder  by  saying  out  loud,  "  Abraham  warn't 
there."  But  the  speaker  pushed  on  heedless  of 
the  interruption,  and  only  took  occasion  to 
repeat,  still  more  decidedly,  "  I  say  when 
Abraham  built  the  ark."  "  And  I  say,"  cried 
out  the  other,  "Abraham  warn't  thar."  The 
preacher  was  too  hard  to  be  beaten  down  in  this 
way,  and  addressing  the  people,  exclaimed,  with 
great  indignation,  "  I  say  Abraham  was  thar  or 
thar  aboil ts.'^ 

A  countryman  in  Savannah  observed  a  gang 
of  darkies  laboring  on  the  streets,  each  wearing 
a  ball  and  chain.  He  asked  one  why  that  ball 
was  chained  to  his  leg.  "To  keep  people  from 
stealing  it,"  said  the  darky;  " heap  of  thieves- 
about  here." 


216  Bmecican  TUflit  an5  iDumor 

The  politest  of  all  darkies  lives  near  Newark. 
When  he  meets  a  gentleman  of  his  own  color  by 
moonlight  he  says:  "Mr.  Sam,  do  you  know 
any  place  in  the  neighborhood  whar  a  gemman 
might  borrow  a  chicken  ?  ' ' 


A  colored  man  applied  to  a  Boston  savings 
bank,  wishing  to  draw  one  dollar.  The  clerk 
informed  him  that  the  iron  rule  of  the  institu- 
tion forbid  the  withdrawal  of  less  than  three  dol- 
lars. Our  colored  brother  was  in  deep  study  for 
a  few  moments,  and  then  said  :  "  Sar,  I'll  take 
the  free  dollars."  The  three  dollars  were  paid 
him,  when  he  once  more  added:  "Now,  sar, 
if  yer  please,  sar,  I'll  'poset  two  dollars  in  the 
institution."  The  amount  was  duly  received 
and  credited,  when,  with  his  loose  dollar  in  his 
pocket,  he  gave  the  clerk  a  sly  wink,  and  walked 
away. 


"  Fellow- trabelers, "  said  a  colored  preacher, 
"  ef  I  had  been  eatin'  dried  apples  for  a  week, 
and  then  took  to  drinkin'  for  a  monf,  I  couldn't 
feel  more  swelled  up  dan  I  am  dis  minit  wid 
pride  and  wanity  at  seein'  such  full  'tendance 
bar  dis  evenin'." 


Bmcrican  Wit  anJ)  ?Humor  217 

The  Georgia  negro  has  no  more  faith  in 
banks.  He  lays  his  money  out  in  store  clothes 
and  hair  oil,  and  the  news  of  a  bank  suspension 
causes  him  to  exclaim  :  "  Bust  away  wid  ye, 
but  you  can't  hurt  dese  lavendar  pants." 

After  shaking  hands  at  the  ferry  dock  the 
other  day,  one  colored  man  inquired  of  another  : 
"Didn't  you  marry  de  widow  Jones  about  de 
first  of  Jinuary?"  "Dat's  me — I  did,"  was  the 
answer;  "but  I've  dun  left  her."  "Why, 
how's  dat?"  "Well,  de  fust  week  she  called 
me  honey :  de  next  week  she  sulked  around  and 
called  me  old  Richards  ;  the  third  week  she  cum 
for  me  wid  a  flatiron  and  broke  two  ribs,  and 
I'm  gwine  to  keep  right  away  from  dar." 


CHAPTER  XIV 
Miscellafieous 
"  Let  it  serve  for  table-talk." 
A  DEAD  set — the  corset. 

A  Chicago  dry  goods  dealer  advertises  the 
Tnost  alarming  sacrifice  since  the  days  of  Abra- 
ham and  Isaac. 

Preferred  creditors — those  that  don't  dun. 

The  governor  of  Rhode  Island  has  forbidden 
boys  to  go  on  stilts,  least  they  straddle  the 
State. 

A  sad  dog — one  who  tarries  long  at  his 
whine. 

But  few  men  can  handle  a  hot  lamp  chimney 
and  say  there  is  no  place  like  home,  at  the  same 
time. 

The  father  of  twin  babies  needs  no  alarm 
clock. 

218 


Bmedcan  "Cmit  anD  Ibumot  219 

Self-made  men  are  very  apt  to  worship  their 
maker. 

Mark  Twain  denies  that  his  Gilded  Age  was 
a  failure.  He  says  it  gave  a  poor,  worthy  book- 
binder a  job. 

When  you  bury  a  quarrel  do  not  put  up  a 
tombstone. 

One  would  imagine  Jack  Frost  had  always  a 
good  story  to  tell,  he  is  so  successful  at  getting 
the  ear  of  a  person. 

If  thine  enemy  wrong  thee,  buy  each  of  his 
children  a  drum. 

The  positive,  comparative,  superlative  degree 
for  getting  on  in  this  world  are,  get  on,  get 
honor,  get  honest. 

Age  before  beauty — old  folks  should  go  to 
bed  at  nine  o'clock. 

"  I  have  a  theory  about  the  dead  languages," 
said  a  new  student.  "What  is  it?"  asked  the 
professor.  "  That  they  were  killed  by  being 
studied  too  hard." 


220  amcrican  *cait  an&  Ijumor 

Never  wait  for  anything  to  turn  up,  but  go 
and  turn  it  up  yourself. 

A  lecturer  on  optics,  in  explaining  the  mechan- 
ism of  the  organ  of  vision,  remarked:  "Let 
any  man  gaze  closely  into  his  wife's  eye,  and  he 
will  see   himself   looking  so  exceedingly  small 

that "  here  the  lecturer's  voice  was  drowned 

by  the  shouts  of  laughter  and  applause  which 
greeted  his  scientific  remark. 

It  makes  a  great  difference  whether  glasses  are 
over  or  under  the  nose. 

A  demure  looking  chap  hailed  a  charcoal 
peddler  with  the  query,  "Have  you  got  char- 
coal in  your  wagon?"  "  Yes,  sir,"  said  the 
expectant  driver,  stopping  his  horses.  "  That's 
right,"  observed  the  demure  chap,  with  an  ap- 
proving nod  ;  "  always  tell  the  truth  and  people 
will  respect  you  !  "  And  he  hurried  on,  much 
to  the  regret  of  the  peddler,  who  was  getting 
out  of  the  wagon  to  look  for  a  brick. 

A  grocer  recently  had  a  pound  of  sugar  re- 
turned, with  a  note  stating  that  it  contained  too 
much  sand  for  table  use,  and  not  enough  for 
building  purposes. 


Bmerlcan  IDlit  anD  Dumor  221 

A  saucy  young  widow  says  she  is  in  the 
honeymoon  of  her  widowhood. 

A  man  who  was  boasting  of  the  unusual 
height  of  his  relation  was  annoyed  by  one  of  the 
company,  who  said  he  had  a  brother  twelve  feet 
high.  "Impossible?"  snarled  the  boaster. 
"  Well,  two  halves  make  a  whole,  don't  they?  " 
asked  the  other.  "Yes,"  was  the  reply. 
"  Well  then,  I've  got  two  half-brothers,  each  of 
whom  is  six  feet  high,"  was  the  logical  re- 
joinder. 

If  you  are  in  doubt  whether  to  kiss  a  pretty 
girl,  give  her  the  benefit  of  the  doubt. 

Neal  Dow  was  called  into  the  Portland  police 
station,  Saturday  night,  to  confront  a  tipsy  book 
agent  who  insisted  that  they  drank  brandy  and 
water  together  on  a  Sound  boat  recently.  When 
the  irate  apostle  of  temperance  got  there,  the 
fellow  explained  that  he  drank  the  brandy  and 
Dow  the  water. 

A  poor  henpecked  husband  said  his  wife  took 
her  hair  off  so  easily,  that  perhaps  she  didn't 
know  how  it  hurt  him  to  have  his  hair  pulled 
out. 


222  Bmedcan  Mit  an&  Ibumot 

A  westerner  describes  a  man  with  a  quivering 
eyelid,  as  one  who  stutters  in  his  left  eye. 

"  Cannot  something  be  done  to  prevent  young 
ladies  from  being  insulted  on  our  streets  at 
night?"  asks  a  Cincinnati  paper.  There  can. 
Just  have  the  girl's  mother  tuck  her  into  her 
little  bed  about  eight  o'clock  in  the  evening,  and 
lock  the  door  on  her. 

A  drunken  Toledo  man  wrote  on  the  wall  of 
his  cell  "jug  not  that  ye  be  not  jugged." 

An  exquisitely  dressed  young  gentleman, 
after  buying  another  seal  to  dangle  about  his 
person,  said  to  the  jeweler  that  he  would — ah, 
like  to  have — ah,  something  engraved  on  it — ah, 
to  denote  what  he  was  !  "  Certainly,  certainly," 
said  the  tradesman  ;    "  I'll  put  a  cipher  on  it." 

Don't  take  too  much  interest  in  the  affairs  of 
your  neighbors.     Six  per  cent,  will  do. 

When  we  see  a  young  lady  and  gent  singing, 
"What  will  the  Harvest  Be,"  with  their  heads 
so  close  together  that  the  chorus  is  interrupted 
with  a  noise  like  the  bursting  of  a  drum  head, 
we  can  give  a  pretty  good  guess  on  the  subject. 


Bmerican  Mtt  ant*  Ibumor         223 

Punch  says  he  has  observed  that  the  un- 
fortunate man's  friends  Hve  a  long  way  off. 

Daniel  Webster  once  good-naturedly  wrote  a 
letter  for  an  ignorant  servant,  and  when  he  had 
asked  him,  "  Is  there  anything  else  you  wish  to 
say,  Mike?"  the  man  scratched  his  head  and 
finally  said,  "  Yes,  if  you  please.  Just  say  they 
must  excuse  the  poor  scholarship  and  want  of 
sense  the  letter  shows." 

Some  people  say  that  dark-haired  women 
marry  first.  We  differ ;  it  is  the  light-headed 
ones. 

Boarder,  "What  large  chickens  these  are  !  " 
Landlady,  "  Yes,  chickens  are  larger  than  they 
used  to  be ;  ten  years  ago  we  couldn't  pretend 
to  get  chickens  as  large  as  these."  Boarder 
(with  an  innocent  air,)  "  No,  I  suppose  not ; 
these  must  have  grown  a  good  deal  in  that  time." 

Falling  in  love  is  like  falling  into  a  river,  it  is 
much  easier  getting  in  than  out. 

Somebody  advertises  in  one  of  the  Westfield 
papers  for  a  servant  girl  who  would  not  be  above 
placing  herself  on  an  equality  with  the  rest  of 
the  family. 


224  Bmerican  llllit  an&  Ibumor 

Never  laugh  at  a  man  with  a  pug  nose ;  you 
don't  know  what  may  turn  up. 

Two  boarding-house  keepers  are  comparing 
notes.  "  It  'pears  to  me,  Mrs.  Higgles,  that 
your  chicken  salad  is  never  found  out — least- 
ways I  never  heard  any  of  the  boarders  com- 
plain." "You  see,"  explained  Mrs.  Miggles, 
"  I  alius  chop  up  a  few  feathers  with  the  veal." 

There  is  a  time  for  all  things.  The  time  to 
leave  is  when  a  young  lady  asks  you  how  the 
walking  is. 

Together  they  were  looking  over  the  paper. 
"What  is  it?"  he  asked.  "Why  there's  an 
advertisement  that  says,  '  No  reasonable  offers 
refused.'"  "What's  so  odd  about  that?" 
"  Nothing,  nothing,"  she  replied,  trying  to 
blush,  "only  those  are  exactly  my  sentiments." 

The  good  of  a  man's  life  cannot  be  measured 
by  the  length  of  his  funeral  procession. 

A  gentleman  of  Ottawa  gave  an  order  for  a 
silver-mounted  claret  jug  to  a  Montreal  dealer, 
instructing  him  to  send  it  by  express  marked 
C.  O.  D.  A  couple  of  days  ago  the  jug  arrived 
engraved  in  beautiful  large  letters  "  C.  O.  D." 


Zlmecican  Mit  anO  Ibumor  225 

If  you  let  a  cat  out  of  the  bag  never  try  to 
cram  it  back  again ;  it  only  makes  matters 
worse. 

An  aristocratic  New  Yorker,  on  being  re- 
quested by  a  rich  and  vulgar  young  fellow  for 
permission  to  marry  one  of  his  girls,  gave  this 
rather  crushing  reply  :  "  Certainly  ;  which  would 
you  prefer,  the  housemaid  or  the  cook  ?  ' ' 

A  cross-eyed  minister  should  never  get  up 
and  read  the  hymn,  "I  will  guide  thee  with 
mine  eyes." 

A  man  desirous  of  having  a  tooth  extracted 
recently  took  ether,  and  as  he  began  to  regain 
consciousness,  inquired,  "  Where  am  I  ?  "  "In 
jail  for  killing  your  wife,"  responded  the  face- 
tious dentist.  "  In  jail  for  killing  my  wife  !  I 
always  thought  it  would  come  to  that." 

When  you  go  to  drown  yourself,  always  pull 
off  your  clothes  ;  they  may  fit  your  wife's  second 
husband. 

It  was  a  Boston  lady  who  described  her  faith- 
less lover's  mouth  as  "stretching  across  the 
wide  desolation  of  his  face,  the  sepulchre  of  ice 
cream  and  the  geyser  of  falsehood." 


226  Bmerican  "Watt  anD  Ibumor 

The  difference  between  a  boy  and  a  barn  is 
that  shingles  are  apphed  to  the  roof  of  the  barn. 

See  how  wonderful  are  the  ways  of  nature  in 
Illinois  :  A  pair  of  boots  cost  just  two  loads  of 
potatoes,  and  to  raise  the  potatoes  just  wears  out 
a  pair  of  boots. 

Time  works  wonders,  as  the  woman  said 
when  she  got  married  after  a  thirteen  years' 
courtship. 

A  good  deacon  making  official  visit  to  a  dying 
neighbor,  who  was  a  very  churlish  and  universally 
unpopular  man,  put  the  usual  question  :  ''Are 
you  willing  to  go,  my  friend?"  "Oh,  yes," 
said  the  sick  man,  "  I  am."  "Well,"  said  the 
simple-minded  deacon,  "I  am  glad  you  are,  for 
all  the  neighbors  are  willing." 

\^''hen  a  dead  man  is  spoken  of  as  the  late  Mr. 
Smith,  the  inference  is  that  he  did  not  die  early 
enough. 

A  bookbinder  said  to  his  wife  at  the  wedding, 
"  It  seems  that  now  we  are  bound  together,  two 
volumes  in  one,  with  clasps."  "Yes,"  ob- 
served a  guest,  "one  side  highly  ornamented 
with  Turkey  morocco  and  the  other  plain  calf." 


amectcan  imit  an&  Ibumor  227 

Blessed  are  they  that  are  ignorant ;  for  they 
are  happy  in  thinking  that  they  know  every- 
thing. 

"I  tell  you,"  said  the  canvasser,  "you  have 
no  idea  of  the  hard  work  there  is  in  this  busi- 
ness. It  is  either  talking  or  walking  from  morn- 
ing till  night."  "Beg  pardon,"  replied  the 
victim.  "I  have  a  pretty  distinct  idea  of  the 
talking  part  of  your  programme.  Now  please 
favor  me  with  an  exhibition  of  the  walking 
part." 

An  ill-natured,  fussy  man  is  like  a  tallow 
candle.  He  always  sputters  and  smokes  when 
he  is  put  out. 

Two  gentlemen  were  complimenting  each 
other  on  their  habits  of  temperance.  "Did 
you  ever,  neighbor,"  said  one,  "see  me  with 
more  than  I  could  carry?"  "No,  indeed," 
was  the  reply,  "but  I  have  seen  you  when  I 
thought  you  had  better  gone  twice  after  it." 

"  Utah  may  have  its  plural  wives,"  observes 
Mr.  Quilp  ;  "  but  other  parts  of  the  country  have 
very  singular  ones." 


228  American  imit  anD  tbumot 

The  churches  were  filled  on  Sunday — thanks 
to  the  milliners. 

An  inebriate  stranger  precipitated  himself 
down  the  depot  stairs,  and,  on  striking  the  land- 
ing reproachfully  apostrophized  himself  with : 
"If  you'd  been  a  waitin'  to  come  downstairs, 
why'n  thunder  didn't  you  say  so,  you  wooden- 
headed  old  fool  an'  I'd  a  come  with  you  and 
showed  you  the  way." 

The  discussion  of  eternal  punishment  promises 
to  last  forever. 

Dr.  Johnson,  the  lexicographer,  was  once 
assailed  by  a  fishwoman  with  foul  epithets. 
Whereupon  he  turned  upon  her,  and  berated  her 
terribly.  He  called  her  a  noun,  an  adverb,  an 
interjection,  an  adjective,  and  thus  like,  until 
she  waxed  as  mad  as  a  hornet. 

Civilized  cannibalism — Eating  your  bread 
with  a  little  Indian  in  it. 

A  printer's  devil  says  his  lot  is  a  hard  one ; 
at  his  boarding-house  they  charge  him  with  all 
the  pie  they  can't  find,  and  at  the  oflfice  they 
charge  him  with  all  the  pi  they  do  find. 


Bmerican  ICllt  auJ)  Ibumor  229 

Engaging  photographer — "Just  look  a  Httle 
pleasanter,  miss!  think  of  'im." 

"  ^\'hy  is  this  called  Jacob's  Ladder?  "  asked 
a  charming  woman,  as  she  and  he  were  going 
up  the  steepest  part  of  the  Mount  Washington 
Railway.  "Because,"  he  replied  with  a  look 
that  emphasized  his  words,  "there  are  angels 
ascending  and  descending  occasionally."  He 
squeezed  her  hand. 

A  perfectly  collected  man — one  who  has  been 
gathe'evJ  to  his  fathers. 

Somebody  said  to  Robert  Hall,  "  How  many 
discourses  do  you  think  a  minister  may  get  up 
each  week?"  Answered  Hall,  "If  he  is  a 
deep  thinker  and  a  great  condenser,  he  may  get 
up  one ;  if  he  is  an  ordinary  man,  two ;  but  if 
he  is  an  ass,  sir,  he  will  produce  half-a-dozen." 

A  good  sermon  is  like  a  kiss — It  requires  but 
two  heads  and  an  application. 

A  New  York  state  man  who  recently  tried  a 
flying  machine  of  his  own  invention  had  no  ad- 
vice to  those  who  crowded  around  him.  All  he 
said  was,  "Work  in  durned  fool  somewhere  on 
my  tombstone." 


230  Bmcrican  TlUKt  anD  Ibumor 

An  observing  man  claims  to  have  discovered 
the  color  of  the  wind.  He  says  he  went  out 
and  found  it  blew. 

At  the  close  of  the  sittings  in  the  Illinois 
house  of  representatives,  the  clerk  read  the  fol- 
lowing:  "I  am  requested  to  announce  that 
the  Rev.  Doctor  McFarland  will  deliver  a  lec- 
ture this  evening  in  the  hall  on  the  '  Education 
of  Idiots.'  Members  of  the  legislature  are  in- 
vited to  attend." 

A  singular  instance  of  scepticism  is  recorded 
in  the  case  of  the  man  who  said  the  Bible  was 
too  good  to  be  true. 

Two  clergymen  were  busy  discussing  a  knotty 
problem  in  theology.  "I  beheve,"  said  one, 
"in  the  doctrine  of — "  up  went  his  heels,  and, 
as  he  bored  a  hole  in  the  ice,  he  finished  the 
sentence — "damnation!"  It  did  not  sound 
pretty,  but  then,  he  didn't  intend  to  say  it  in  that 
way. 

No  matter  how  hard  it  is  to  find  a  rocking- 
chair  during  the  day,  a  man  is  sure  to  fall  over 
one  when  he  is  in  search  of  the  match  box  after 
dark. 


american  lUit  anO  Ibumor  2;n 

The  man  who  can  see  sermons  in  running 
brooks  is  most  apt  to  go  and  look  for  them  on 
Sundays  when  trout  are  biting. 

Stories  are  common  enough  of  needles  travel- 
ing about  in  people's  bodies  and  making  their 
appearance  in  very  odd  places.  But  the  most 
remarkable  case  is  related  of  a  young  woman  in 
New  York  who  got  a  needle  ih  her  wrist  a  year 
ago,  and  the  other  day  it  was  removed  from  the 
right  arm  of  a  young  man  who  has  been  keep- 
ing her  company. 

There  is  a  man  who  keeps  a  list  of  all  the 
banks  in  the  country,  so  as  to  be  able  to  say  that 
he  keeps  a  bank  account. 

"Henrietta,"  said  a  lady  to  her  new  girl, 
"  when  there's  bad  news — particularly  family 
afflictions — always  let  the  boarders  know  it  be- 
fore dinner.  It  may  seem  strange  to  you, 
Henrietta,  but  such  things  make  a  great  differ- 
ence in  the  eating  in  the  course  of  a  year." 

Henry  Ward  Beecher  said,  that  if  any  col- 
lege should  put  two  D's  after  his  name  he  should 
feel  inclined  to  put  a  dash  between  them  and 
send  them  back. 


232  Bmertcan  "Wait  auD  Ibumov 

A  shrill  old  lady,  whenever  she  loses  her  scis- 
sors, rouses  the  whole  family  with,  "Where's 
them  shears  appeared  to  ?  " 

A  visitor  to  a  country  parson  tells  how,  when 
he  accompanied  him  lately  to  take  the  duty  in  a 
remote  parish,  the  sexton  said  :  "  Perhaps  your 
reverence  won't  mind  preaching  from  the 
chancel,  for  we've  got  a  duck  sittin'  in  the 
pulpit." 

How  much  happier  we  should  be  summer 
evenings  if  Noah  had  stepped  on  the  male  tum- 
ble bug  before  he  left  the  ark. 

A  gentleman  took  the  following  telegram  to  a 
telegraph  office:  "Mrs.  Brown,  Liverpool 
Street. — I  announce  with  grief  the  death  of 
Uncle  James.  Come  quickly  to  read  will,  I  be- 
lieve we  are  his  heirs. — John  Black."  The 
clerk  having  counted  the  words,  said,  "  There 
are  two  too  many,  sir."  "All  right;  cut  out 
'  with  grief,'  "  was  the  answer. 

One  of  the  boys  asked  young  Brown  if  his 
girl's  father  was  much  "put  out"  when  he 
asked  him  for  his  daughter.  "Oh,  no,"  said 
Brown,  "  he  didn't  appear  to  be  put  out,  but  he 
put  me  out  in  a  hurry." 


Bmcrican  Mit  anO  Ibumor  233 

A  New  York  paper  says  that  a  baldheaded 
man  will  marry  three  times  to  any  other  man's 
once,  other  things  being  even. 

A  country  deacon  went  home  one  evening 
and  complained  to  his  wife  that  he  had  been 
abused  down  at  the  store  shamefully.  "  One  of 
the  neighbors,"  he  said,  "called  him  a  liar." 
Her  eyes  flashed  with  indignation;  "Why 
didn't  you  tell  him  to  prove  it?  "  she  exclaimed. 
"  That's  the  very  thing — that's  the  trouble," 
replied  the  husband;  "I  told  him  to  prove  it 
and  he  did." 

"  Where  are  you  going  ?  "  asked  a  little  boy  of 
another,  who  had  slipped  on  an  icy  pavement. 
"  Going  to  get  up,"  was  the  blunt  reply. 

The  quickest  method  of  developing  human 
life  is  to  plant  a  photographer's  camera  in  front 
of  a  lonesome,  deserted  country  hotel,  and  long, 
long  before  the  artist  can  get  a  focus,  the  porch, 
balcony,  doors,  windows,  side  fence  and  dormer- 
windows  of  that  hostelry  will  be  alive  with 
smiling,  unconscious  humanity. 

Vermont  has  a  young  lady  six  feet,  seven 
inches  high,  and  when  a  young  man  succeeds  in 
kissing  her  they  say  he  has  "gone  up." 


234  Bmeiican  "Omit  anO  TDumor 

Emerson  says  :  "  The  way  to  make  the  world 
better  is  by  reformhig  number  one,  then  there  is 
surely  one  less  villain  in  the  world," 

"But  I  pass,"  said  a  minister  one  Sunday, 
in  dismissing  one  theme  of  his  subject  to  take 
up  another.  "Then  I  make  it  spades  !  "  yelled 
a  man  from  the  gallery  who  was  dreaming  the 
happy  hours  away  in  an  imaginary  game  of 
euchre.  It  is  needless  to  say  that  he  went  out 
on  the  next  deal,  being  assisted  by  one  of  the 
deacons  with  a  full  hand  of  clubs. 

It  is  apparent  to  so  many  parents  that  a  great 
many  children  get  on  the  wrong  track  because 
the  switch  is  misplaced. 

The  story  is  told  of  an  old  hunter  in  Michi- 
gan who  lost  his  way  in  the  woods  a  number  of 
times  when  the  country  was  new.  At  length  he 
secured  a  pocket  compass  and  its  use  was  ex- 
plained to  him  by  a  friend.  But  shortly  after- 
ward he  lost  his  way  again  and  lay  out  as  usual. 
When  found  he  was  asked  why  he  did  not 
travel  by  the  compass.  He  did  not  dare  to  he 
said.  He  wanted  to  go  north  and  he  "  tried  to 
make  the  thing  point  north,  but  it  wan'  any  use 
'twould  shake,  shake,  shake  round  and  point 
southeast  every  time." 


Bmerican  Wtt  anO  Ibumot  235 

"Late  hours,"  says  our  esteemed  Aunt 
Dorcas,  '<are  apt  to  lead  either  to  the  peniten- 
tiary or  matrimony.  Think  of  this,  young 
men." 

A  notorious  New  York  prize  fighter  and  dis- 
orderly character  was  on  trial  the  other  day  for 
assault  and  battery.  He  was  convicted,  and 
just  before  the  judge  passed  the  sentence  his 
counsel  appealed  for  mercy,  saying  that  his 
client  intended  to  leave  New  York  at  once.  "I 
know  it,"  said  the  judge;  "  he  is  going  to  leave 
it  for  six  months,  during  which  time  he  will  re- 
side in  the  penitentiary." 

A  California  jury,  in  a  suicide  case  lately, 
found  the  following  verdict :  "  We  the  jury,  find 
that  the  deceased  was  a  fool." 

At  a  recent  Sunday-school  reunion  the  super- 
intendent proposed  that  they  form  a  line,  and 
march  to  the  song,  "  Hold  the  Fort."  Accord- 
ingly the  line  was  formed,  with  Deacon  B.  at 
the  head.  All  went  beautifully  until  they  came 
to  the  second  verse : 

"  See  the  mighty  host  advancing, 
Satan  leading  on." 


236  Bmcrican  Wit  anD  Ibumor 

It  was  Harness  who  said  of  the  French  "  that 
they  did  not  know  what  they  wanted,  and  would 
not  rest  till  they  got  it." 

President  Eliot  related  an  amusing  anecdote 
of  two  honored  professors  of  Yale,  one  of 
whom,  he  said,  is  long  of  speech,  the  other  con- 
cise and  pithy.  The  two  were  taking  a  walk 
spiced  with  conversation  one  day  when  they 
were  met  by  a  friend  who  greeted  them  with  this 
paraphrase  of  the  text :  ' '  Day  unto  Dwight  ut- 
tereth  speech,  Dwight  unto  Day  showeth  knowl- 
edge." 

"I  say,"  said  a  rough  fellow  to  a  fop  with 
conspicuous  bow-legs,  "  I  say,  don't  you  have  to 
have  your  pantaloons  cut  with  a  circular  saw?  " 

Gentleman,  "My  good  woman,  how  much  is 
that  goose?"  Market  woman,  "Well,  you 
may  have  the  two  ats  even  shillin'."  Gentle- 
man, "  But  /only  want  one."  Market  woman, 
"  Can't  help  it  ;  ain't  goin'  to  sell  one  without 
the  other.  Them  ere  geese  to  my  certain 
knowledge  hav'  been  together  for  more'n  thir- 
teen years,  and  /  ain't  goin'  to  be  so  unfeelin' 
as  to  separate  them  now." 


Bmetican  mtt  an&  Ibumor  237 

For  a  young  woman  to  begin  to  pick  lint  off 
a  young  man's  coat-collar,  is  said  to  be  the  first 
symptoms  that  the  young  man  is  in  peril. 

A  Jerseyman  went  to  Mauch  Chunk,  Pa.,  to 
spend  his  vacation,  and  during  the  night  three 
old  hens,  which  had  gone  to  roost  on  a  tree  out- 
side his  bedroom  window,  were  disturbed  by  a 
cat  and  flew  into  the  apartment.  The  Jersey- 
man  awakened  and  slashed  a  pillow  around  un- 
til the  bewildered  fowls  found  their  way  out. 
The  next  morning  he  told  his  host  that  he  should 
come  there  every  summer,  for  during  the  night 
he  had  seen  but  three  mosquitoes. 

If  there  is  really  a  delightfully  refreshing  scene 
on  this  earth  it  is  a  newly  married  man  sliding 
toward  home  with  his  first  washboard. 

A  gentleman  who  had  spent  half  the  winter 
in  Washington  endeavoring  to  get  a  private  bill 
through  Congress,  returned  to  the  bosom  of  his 
family  a  sadder  and  wiser  man.  Shortly  after 
his  arrival  he  was  met  by  a  friend,  who  greeted 
him  warmly  with  :  "  Glad  to  see  you  back  again. 
How  about  your  bill?"  "  Bill— bill  ?  "  said 
the  disappointed  solicitor,  confusedly,  with  a 
dim  recollection  of  an  encounter  with  the  hotel 
keeper.      "  I  left  it  unpaid." 


238  Bmerican  Mit  auD  Ibumot 

A  bill  recently  passed  by  the  California  Legis- 
lature provides  that  religion  shall  be  neither 
taught  nor  practiced  in  the  public  schools. 

A  demure  citizen  of  Portland  was  walking 
down  town  one  morning  last  week  when  a 
stranger  addressed  him  :  ' '  Do  you  know  where 
the  post  office  is?  "  "  Yes,"  answered  the  Port- 
lander,  affably,  and  walked  on  without  further 
reply.  After  proceeding  for  about  ten  steps  he 
looked  back,  and  inquired  in  his  turn,  "Why? 
Did  you  want  to  know?"  "No,"  replied  the 
victim,  with  great  earnestness,  and  then,  the  ac- 
count having  been  balanced,  the  two  shook 
hands  gravely,  and  walked  off  toward  the  Fal- 
mouth. 

Somebody  asked  somebody  else,  on  the  occa- 
sion of  the  death  of  a  very  wealthy  man,  "  How 
much  did  he  leave?"  The  answer  was  very 
promptly  given,  "Oh,  he  left  it  all.  He  didn't 
take  any  with  him." 

When  a  woman  makes  up  her  mind  that  a 
hen  shall  not  set,  and  the  hen  makes  up  her 
mind  that  she  will,  the  irresistible  meets  the  im- 
moval)le,  and  every  law  of  nature  is  broken  or 
perverted. 


Bmedcan  TWllt  and  Ibumoc  239 

A  Russian  proverb  says:  "Before  going  to 
war  pray  once,  before  going  to  sea  pray  twice, 
and  before  getting  married  pray  three  times." 

An  Illinois  youth  has  been  wearing  a  fine 
plaited  bosom  shirt,  which  opened  on  the  back, 
hind -side  before  for  more  than  a  year.  He  said 
he  thought  they  had  laid  out  a  good  deal  of 
work  on  the  back  ! 

"Young  man,  do  you  believe  in  a  future 
state  ?  "  "  In  course  /doz ;  and,  what  is  more, 
/  mean  to  enter  it  as  soon  as  Betsey  gets  her 
things  ready." 

"Huxley,  my  boy  !  you  haven't  come  a  bit 
too  soon,  for  when  we  hear  of  a  man  up  in 
Reading,  Pa.,  being  beaten  at  euchre  by  a 
learned  hog,  it's  about  time  to  ask  whither  are 
we  drifting  ?  ' 

The  reason  that  aesthetics  so  admire  the  stork 
is  that  he  can  stand  for  hours  on  one  leg  and 
look  as  though  he  didn't  know  anything  and 
didn't  want  to. 

Mr.  James  Russell  Lowell  has  invented  a  new 
beatitude  :  "  Blessed  are  they  who  have  nothing 
to  say,  and  who  cannot  be  persuaded  to  say  it." 


210  Bmerican  iMit  anJ)  Mumor 

Professor  says:  "Time  is  money:  bow  do 
you  prove  it?"  Student  says,  "Well,  if  you 
give  twenty-five  cents  to  a  couple  of  tramps,  that 
is  a  quarter  to  two." 

Two  deacons  once  disputing  about  a  proposed 
new  graveyard,  one  remarked:  "I'll  never  be 
buried  in  that  ground  as  long  as  I  live!" 
"What  an  obstinate  man!"  said  the  other. 
"  If  my  life  is  spared,  1  will  !  " 

A  fashion  exchange  says  that  "striped  para- 
sols have  taken  the  place  of  striped  stockings." 
But  we  don't  believe  it.  Why  they — they 
couldn't. 

A  man  left  a  bony  steed  on  Main  street  last 
Saturday,  and,  coming  back  a  short  time  after- 
ward, discovered  that  a  funny  youth  had  placed  . 
a  placard  against  the  fleshless  ribs  bearing  the 
notice,  "Oats  wanted — inquire  within." 

A  parsimonious  sea  captain,  answering  the 
complaints  of  his  men  that  the  bread  was  bad, 
exclaimed:  "What!  complain  of  your  bread 
that  is  made  from  flour  ?  What  do  you  think 
of  the  apostles?  They  ate  shew  bread  made 
from  old  boots  and  shoes." 


Bmerican  Mit  anO  Ibumor  241 

There  are  two  reasons  why  some  people  don't 
mind  their  business.  One  is  that  they  haven't 
any  business,  and  tlie  other  is  that  they  have  no 
mind. 

A  few  years  since,  at  the  celebration  of  our 
national  anniversary,  a  peddler  who  was  present, 
being  called  upon  for  a  toast  offered  the  follow- 
ing :  "  Here  is  health  to  poverty ;  it  sticks  to  a 
man  when  all  his  friends  forsake  him." 

A  Boston  paper  is  in  "  favor  of  women  voting 
if  they  want  to."  A  Western  paper  would  like 
to  see  the  man  who  could  make  them  vote  if 
they  did  not  want  to. 

A  rich,  but  parsimonious  old  gentleman,  on 
being  taken  to  task  for  his  uncharitableness, 
said  :  "  True,  I  don't  give  much,  but  if  you 
only  knew  how  it  hurts  Avhen  I  give  anything, 
you  wouldn't  wonder." 

Edward  Edgerton,  of  Madison,  Ind.,  thrust 
his  hand  into  a  horse's  mouth  to  see  how  many 
teeth  he  had.  The  horse  closed  his  teeth  to  see 
how  many  fingers  Mr.  Edgerton  had.  The  cu- 
riosity of  both  was  fully  satisfied. 


242  amecican  "Wait  and  Ibumor 

A  man  who  was  labored  with  for  not  having 
a  Bible  in  the  house,  excused  himself  by  saying 
that  there  was  nothing  in  the  Bible  that  wasn't 
in  his  dictionary. 

If  you  want  to  see  a  man  struggling  to  do 
several  things  at  once,  just  watch  him  trying  to 
put  on  his  overcoat  and  rubbers  and  yet  keep 
his  head  bowed  Avhile  the  minister  is  pronounc- 
ing the  benediction. 

"There!"  said  Jones,  as  he  wrathfully 
pushed  away  the  pie  which  his  landlord  had 
just  served  him,  "  that  stuff  ain't  fit  for  a  pig  to 
eat,  and  I  ain't  going  to  eat  it." 

A  college  student  being  examined  in  Locke 
where  he  speaks  of  our  relation  to  Deity,  was 
asked  :  "  What  relations  do  we  most  neglect  ?  " 
He  answered,  with  the  utmost  simplicity,  "Poor 
relations,  sir  !  " 

Over  the  porch  of  the  Old  South  Church  at 
Boston  is  chiselled:  "Behold!  I  have  set  be- 
fore you  an  open  door,"  and  under,  on  the 
door,  is  printed  in  emphatic  letters,  "  Positively 
no  admittance." 


Bmerican  Wit  anJ)  Ibumor  243 

There  is  always  some  incentive  to  the  Ameri- 
can youth  to  study  and  work.  He  may  not  be- 
come President  of  the  United  States,  but  he 
may  be  the  oldest  Mason. 

A  father  and  mother  at  Decatur,  Michigan, 
left  their  two  little  boys  a  gun  to  play  with. 
As  it  had  but  one  barrel,  they  still  have  one 
boy  for  their  declining  years. 

"Are  you  not  afraid  that  whiskey' 11  get  into 
your  head,"  asked  a  stranger  of  a  tall  man  he 
s;iw  drinking  at  the  bar.  "  No,"  said  the  man, 
"  this  liquid  is  too  weak  to  climb.' 

A  person  lately  saw  in  Greenwood  Cemetery 
a  tombstone  with  "I  would  not  live  alway " 
-chiseled  upon  it,  beneath  which  some  urchin 
had  penciled,  "  Sour  Grapes." 

A  lady  in  a  menagerie  being  asked  why  she 
so  closely  scanned  the  elephant  with  her  opera 
glass,  replied  that  she  was  looking  for  the  key- 
hole of  his  trunk. 

The  Israelites  Crossing  the  Red  Sea  is  one  of 
the  paintings  exhibited  by  a  professor  in  Maine, 
who  claims  in  his  advertisement  that  they  were 
photographed  direct  from  nature. 


241  Hmecican  lllit  anD  tjumor 

A  man  had  the  choice  of  committing  the  least 
of  three  offences  :  murder,  robbery,  or  drunken- 
ness. He  chose  the  latter,  got  drunk,  and  then 
committed  the  other  two. 

Pretty  girls,  according  to  Mr.  Moody,  should 
not  permit  themselves  to  be  kissed  at  church 
fairs  for  twenty-five  cents,  and  we  think  our- 
selves that  in  these  hard  times  the  price  is  too 
high. 

"What  is  a  more  exhilarating  sight,"  asks  a 
Vermont  paper,  "than  to  see  eighteen  hand- 
some girls  sliding  down  hill  on  an  ox-sled?" 
"  Nineteen,"  says  the  experienced  editor  of  the 
Boston  Post. 

A  man  swapped  his  horse  for  a  wife.  An 
old  bachelor  acquaintance  said  he'd  bet  there 
was  something  wrong  with  the  horse,  or  its 
owner  never  would  have  fooled  it  away  in  that 

manner. 

"Will  the  coming  man  use  both  hands?"  is 
a  (question  asked  by  a  scientific  exchange.  We 
do  not  see  how  the  coming  man  can  use  both 
hands  unless  the  coming  woman  drives  the 
horse. 


American  *Cait  anD  Ibuinor  245 

' '  Women  are  so  contrary, ' '  said  Blobbs.  * '  I 
thought  when  I  got  married  my  wife  would 
darn  my  socks  and  let  me  alone ;  instead  of  that 
she  lets  my  socks  alone  and  darns  me." 

"So  your  daughter  has  married  a  rich  hus- 
band." "Well,"  slowly  replied  the  father,  "I 
believe  she  has  married  a  rich  man,  but  I  under- 
stand he  is  a  very  poor  husband." 

One  of  a  party  of  friends,  referring  to  an  ex- 
quisite musical  composition,  said,  "That  song 
always  carries  me  away  when  I  hear  it."  "  Can 
anybody  sing  it?  "  asked  a  wit  in  the  company. 

A  bookbinder  had  a  book  brought  him  to  be 
rebound.  After  the  job  was  finished  he  made 
the  following  entry  in  his  day-book:  "To  re- 
pairing the  Way  to  Heaven,  twenty-five  cents." 

A  Mississippi  granger  is  opposed  to  railroads. 
He  says  that  when  he  goes  to  town  they  bring 
him  home  so  quick  he  hasn't  time  to  get  sober 
before  he  arrives. 

Stebbins  says  :  "  Elderly  people  ought  to  re- 
tire early  at  this  season  of  the  year.  It  is  better 
for  the  health.  Besides  it  gives  the  young  folks 
a  better  chance." 


246  Bmetlcan  Timit  anD  Ibumoc 

"Ma,  this  milk  is  better  than  yesterday's 
milk  was."  "  Don't  say  that,  child.  Say  there's 
more  milk  in  this  water  than  there  was  in  the 
water  we  got  yesterday. ' ' 


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